All In The Family - 
by B-side
Well, it's Tuesday night at 11:44 pm. I just got home from work, and I have a two hour premiere episode of Amazing Race waiting for me. Can you think of a better homecoming? Neither can I. But my excitement is tempered a bit. After all, this is that most egregious of seasons. You know what I'm talking about. Those two pesky words, "Family Edition," are really scaring me. Will The Amazing Race jump the shark, or will producer Bertram Van Munster work his magic all over again?
In the interest of saving time, I'm just going to do a "liveblog" of the show this week (even though this is far from live at all). Time to jump in for another rollercoaster ride... (I hope).
11:50 PM
Ah! New York City. And look! There's Phil on the Statue of Liberty. Maybe someday, France will give New York a giant Phil statue too.
11:53 PM
Wow. Ferry attack! Did they really need five water taxis for ten families? This is highly inefficient.
11:54 PM
Time to meet the fams! First up, the Gaggin' familiy? Oh, sorry, it's Gaghin. Wow. I hate them. Mostly because they force their kids to run 5ks. And freakin' Carissa can run a seven minute mile. I especially hate her for that. "What adult out there can run a seven minute mile?" asks Carissa's mom. I don't know. Maybe the ones who were forced to by their parents at an obscenely young age.
11:57 PM
Okay, I'm still fixated on this Gaghin family. First of all, I thought faux Dakota Fanning was bad enough. But then there's her devious brother Billy who tells us, "Me and my sister Carissa will work as a team spying on the other teams. We'll pretend to fool around while we have our eyes and ears open." Isn't it wonderful the values these parents have instilled in their children?
11:59 PM
Carissa says, "I might be small, but I am NOT shhtupid." How about you're shhh-annoying.
12:00 AM
Wow, I've been making fun of a seven-year-old. New low for TVgasm.
12:01 AM
Okay, the Linz family. They're all in their twenties. Their motto: "We're attractive." We know they like to have fun because we see them tossing beanbags at each other. Oh those crazy Linz kids! Nothing like a good old fashion throw-the-beanbag fight. Nevertheless, during the interview, older brother Alex says, "Tommy and Megan are still in that educational phase of maturing and learning how to deal with an electric company and how to pay their electrics on time." Alex, on the other hand, is part of that noneducational phase of maturing where he no longer knows how to use simple words like "electricity bills."
12:05 AM
Next up, the Paolo family from Carmel, NY. Dad's a garbage man. And he's living the American Dream. This guy is awesome, and so is his wife (I always like the older people). Unfortunately, their sons seem like budding douchebags. We'll have to keep an eye on them.
12:07 AM
Oh look! It's the black family. I mean, the Black family. I mean, the black Black family. Basically, the only black team is the family Black. They seem pretty active. They do karate together. They wear tie-dye together. They even splash water together. Go Black power!
12:09 AM
Austin, the youngest Black kid (why does it sound so wrong when I write that. It's their name!), says that he'll do well on the race because "It doesn't hurt that I'm kind of cute." Awww. He really is quite cute. I hope he beats up that Carissa moppet.
12:10 AM
The Bransen family. A guy with his three daughters. And did I mention they are hilarious? Dad's name is Walter, but one of the daughters notes that "We always call him Wal-der instead of Walter." Oh, now that is RICH!
12:12 AM
Next up is the Weaver family. Widow and children from Florida. Oh. Widow = party foul. I'll just bite my tongue for now.
12:13 AM
Did I mention how much of a downer the Weavers were? Dad worked at a race track and was sent out to pick up debris. A car came around the bend and struck and killed him. And Extreme Makeover: Home Edition missed these people how?
12:14 AM
Because it's never a reality show without Boston accents, we now have the Aiello family. And let me tell you something. Paterfamilias Tony wears a wicked beret.
12:16 AM
Wow, can we start this race yet? Nope, more families.
12:19 AM
We meet the Schroeders who seem okay, but the real fun is with the Godlewski family: four blonde sisters whose strength appears to be riding a mean merry-go-round.
12:20 AM
The Rogers family is the last, and uh oh. I think we found a possible villain. Dad says, "I'm the one that's gonna be taking control. I think it's a man thing. I think it's a biblical thing. I truly believe that the man is the authority of the house." Other things he believes in: killing puppies. Just guessing.
12:24 AM
Wow, could this be a gloomier Amazing Race premiere?
12:25 AM
Phil's looking quite dapper in his striped shirt. I wonder if it has an attachable turtleneck collar.
12:26 AM
I love how Phil says "Good luck. Travel safe," and then raises one eyebrow as if to say "And be RAVISHING!"
12:27 AM
Hey Carissa, why aren't you at the front of the pack? I thought you could outrun most adults.
12:28 AM
Okay! First clue! And they're going to... SoHo? To EMS? Hmmmm....
12:31 AM
The Paolo family nearly has a conniption fit when Dad can't figure out how to turn right. I love these people.
12:33 AM
All I'm seeing are lots of women screaming and saying things like "Desperate Housewives!" Bear with me as I try to figure out who's who.
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