1:43 AM
Next morning, it's raining, and wow, with her hair wet and matted, Carissa looks like the second coming of that little girl from The Ring. If I die in seven days, you'll know why. By the way, I reeeeally hope Carissa's not reading this.

1:45 AM
Okay, time for the next clue. Go a whoppin' 92 miles into Pennsylvania and find a farm. Nothing says adventure like a modest trip on the interstate!

1:46 AM
Great. The Weavers are going all Jesus on us again. But I guess it helps. They arrive at the next clue first. Turns out it's the Detour. Build or Buggy. Either build a miniature water mill or haul a buggy for a mile and a half. Ouch. That's no fun at all. I'm already winded, and I'm just sitting here.

1:53 AM
Um, Jesus? I think you just screwed over your friend Mrs. Weaver. Yeah, the buggy got a little out of the control, and I'm pretty she just got run over. Yes, RUN OVER by a runaway buggy. Okay, now this show's gettin' good. By the way, don't mean to be insensitive, but these Weaver parents really don't seem to be doing so well with the not-getting-hit by vehicles thing.

1:55 AM
Okay, I'm a jerk. These poor girls look positively shaken up. I feel bad. Let's go back to making fun of the defenseless seven-year-old! Yeah!

1:57 AM
Oh that sucks. After all that work, the Weavers' buggy gets jammed, and they have to make the water mill. You know, Jesus was a carpenter, right?

1:59 AM
Paolo update: Momma's got an ant on her arm! But don't worry. She's okay! She's okay!

2:01 AM
Okay, the building isn't actually as hard as it seemed like. What's more difficult is probably sitting in a buggy with the Linz family as they fart up a storm. Next to Mrs. Paolo, these are my favorites.

2:04 AM
For the first time all night, my heart warms to the Gaghins. Watching the parents haul their kids in the buggy, well, even crusty old jerks like me think it's sweet. And speaking of the Gaghins, they just reached the end of the course, and they have to TURN AROUND and go back?? Wow, that really sucks.

2:09 AM
A blessing in disguise? The Weavers are in first place! Thanks Jesus!

2:09 AM
Okay, time for the Pitstop: the Rohrer Family Farm. It's go time!

2:11 AM
You know, I love the Paolos, but I'm starting to think they're all idiots.

2:12 AM
Uh oh. Walter -- I mean, Walder -- says he and his fam are heading in the wrong direction. This is followed by the always foreboding Amazing Race slow-mo reaction. Bad news for Wal-der?

2:14 AM
It's been about five days since the last Survivor episode. I could use a little vomit on my TV. Conveniently, the Linz boy is ready to oblige. We only hear the puke though. And you call this reality TV? Pussies.

2:16 AM
Jesus brings them up, only to take them back down again: The Weavers are lost!

2:17 AM
The Grodlewski sisters are all freakin' out in the car. Must... hit... mute...

2:17 AM
A Grodlewski sampling: "Okay guys. Blue silos are a papular calor." ("popular color", in non-Grodlewski-ese)

2:20 AM
The Gaghins dream of coming in first place on the leg. Carissa says, "I bet that dream will come true." Apparently not, CARISSA! The Grodlewski gals arrive first. You just know Phil's gonna give them some prize. They're gonna blow out my speakers, even with the sound off.

2:23 AM
Yup, they won $20,000. Best be buying me some new speakers with that cash.

2:23 AM
Phil is cracking UP! "I'm just getting to know you, but is this normal? You guys talk over each other all the time?" Wow, did Phil just serve them up some quiet passive aggression? He PA'd them in PA!

2:25 AM
The Weavers enter a fierce battle with the Gaghins. Who will Jesus pick??

2:26 AM
There are many wonderful things about the Gaghin/Weaver footrace. First, it's totally unnecessary. Second, I think it's awesome that the Gaghan parents keep yelling, "Carissa! WHEELS!!!!" Seriously, that little girl is a robot.

2:27 AM
Whoa! Those wheels worked! The Weavers lose their lead to little kids. Thanks a lot, Jesus.

The smile that we live for.

2:29 AM
The Paolo family confirms my suspicions. Their watermill is a disaster, but not as bad as the Schroeder's whose wheel is stuck or wedged or whatever. And remember the Linz family? They're still hauling the buggy. That sucks. But not for us. I love this shit.

2:34 AM
Great. My favorite scenario. After spending the past two hours saying how much I love the Linz, Black, and Paolo families, they're all in the final three. Dammit!

2:35 AM
Check that out. The Paolo's watermill worked! Uh oh. But more drama's on the horizon. Ma's crying! "Really Tony, it's been a lifetime of this, and I'm getting fed up with it. I'm really, you guys are really embarrassing now. And I'm fed up with it!" Don't worry, we like you. And it's not your fault your douchebag sons treat you so badly. Well, actually, I guess it is.

2:38 AM
Things looking bad for the Black family. And what the hell is up with the Linz's? Did they stop at Burger King or something? They're still in their freakin' buggy.

Posted by B-side on September 28, 2005 3:49 AM