This week's leg of the race began in Virginia with the Weavers heading out first. Their next mission: fly to Charleston, South Carolina. And yes, that was a trip of 500 miles. I know, crazy right? That's like a one hour flight!!! But hey, at least it beats a fifteen-mile trek down the road. As the Weavers ran to their taxi, one of the daughters told us, "We're not in it for any drama." No, of course not. Meanwhile, these girls scream and cry if they find a bird sitting on a branch. Okay, okay. I'll be nice to them. They are, after all, traumatized from the death of their father, and that's not a joking matter. Let's just hope no runaway buggies haunt this leg of the race.

The Linz family left next, and headed off to Washington/Dulles airport, or as Megan and her oddly Staten Island-y voice called it, "Washington/Dulls." I'm a little hazy as to who headed off next -- probably those wacky Godlewskis, owners of the worst midwestern accents EVER -- but what I do remember is that the Schroeder stepmom, a.k.a. "Char," came on screen and said with an air of self-delusion, "Even though the kids are my step-kids, I'm their friend." Uh huh. I'm sure. She continued, "I'm happy that they think of me that way instead of, 'Oooh! It's a stepmom,' and that negative connotation that typically comes along with that." Yeah, isn't this what every step-mom tells herself?

Later, in the car, Char's stepson Hunter scoffed at Charleston, saying (or slurring, really), "It's all historical. I don't know my history." Luckily, BFF Char was on the case, telling him to focus, to which Hunter replied with a massive rolling of the eyes. Yup, getting along like old college chums. You hit it on the nose, Char!

The Gaghans left the mat soon after, with little Billy saying, "Deep breaths. In and out. 1, 2, 3." Surprisingly, that's the same thing he says every night before his bedtime beatings. Oh -- that was cruel. Actually, the Gaghans seem like pretty nice, wholesome people, and their kids, though scary and robotic and Dakota Fanning-ish, are fairly winning. As the fam headed off on the latest adventure, Tammy informed us that "Bill and I have tried to raise our children more like little adults on this race." Really? We couldn't tell. Bill Sr. then added, "If anyone thinks kids don't belong in the Amazing Race, they've gotta check out these kids." Okay, don't try to sell us, Bertram Van Munster. We don't like Family Edition. No matter how many times Bill Gaghan reminds us how wonderful his kids are, we're never going to like having them around. Bill then added, "They are doing a top notch job." Well, let's see how Billy and Carissa fare in Bangladesh or Siam or Senegal. Kinda different than running around in Amish Country.

Let's check in on the Linz family. They were regrettably stuck behind a wide load, causing the guys to joke, "I hate wide loads." And, "Wide loads are the worst." What juvenile, stupid humor. (Cut to me making the exact jokes every time I drive by a wide load.)

WalDER and the Bransens headed off next, and the mystery surrounding "Washington/Dulles" continued as one of the daughters pronounced it "Dullés." Dulls, Dullés -- I'm surprised no one's called it "Dulleese" yet. For those of you wondering, it's pronounced, "dull-is." Yeah, that's right. Dulles snobbery at its finest. I'm not even from DC.

So the race was going along just fine at this point, but I was just waiting for the Paolos to enter the fray because honestly, Marion is just too hilarious to be kept bottled up. Sure enough, the bickering was nearly instantaneous, with Marion barking, "Don't argue with me now." Crossing fingers for another great night of Marionisms.

"It's Amazing Race -- American Style!" she declared moments later. Oh, she's gonna be en fuego tonight!

Posted by B-side on October 13, 2005 2:02 AM