Well, the teams eventually arrived at Washington/Dullés where we finally tasted our first morsels of traditional airport drama. Who would get the fastest trip to Charleston? One plane would arrive at 10:04 AM and another would arrive at 10:06 AM. Clearly a hotbed for intrigue. Actually, my sarcasm was unwarranted because there was a tiny bit of scandal. You see, everyone had booked their flights, but the Weavers, in their undying quest to learn about airports, decided to ask some airline workers random questions -- and, you know, thank the lord too while they were at it. Well, all the other racers assumed they were sneaking onto an earlier flight, and things quickly escalated to ugliness (yes!) when the Aiellos asked the Weavers if they'd found another flight. Shockingly, the Weavers ignored them and simply walked on... perhaps overwhelmed by the newfound closeness to Jesus an airplane afforded them. To be fair, the Weavers actually didn't do anything wrong. You see, careful Tivo viewers will notice that the Aiello guy only asked about the flight when most of the family had already walked by, and plus, he asked in such a quiet, non-assertive way that it was clear the Weavers simply hadn't heard or registered the question. So in the case of Aiello vs. Weaver, we side with the defendant. Might as well give them some support, especially since it's clear that Jesus hates them (we won't even talk about the previews for next week's show).

Nevertheless, the Aiellos didn't have a personal Tivo for their life, so they started up an anti-Weaver hate campaign, the centerpiece of which was them saying, "I hate them." And soon the gossiping began. Did you hear? The Aiellos asked them a simple question and they walked right on by! That's not very Christian!!! "They drive me up a wall!" exclaimed one of the Aiellos. Soon the Schroeders had caught the anti-Weaver bug, with Char noting, "I think they're just playing mind games... They're silent but deadly." Did she just compare the Weavers to a fart? I think she did.

Well, the ban may have been on, but that didn't stop Hunter Schroeder from becoming fast friends with the Weaver son, who according to the website is named... Rolly? The two had a festive game of "let's slap each other on the knees" going on, and as I watched them bond amidst the craziness of the race, a certain warmth entered my heart -- not seen since my cyber child on The Sims first played in the yard with her new friend (I don't remember his name, but he was Bella Goth's kid). Sad follow-up: my Sim child had failing grades and since I was too busy becoming an astronaut and trying to pick plates up off the floor, my child was sadly shipped off to military school, never to be seen again. Also, an unfortunate accident with a poorly placed barbecue and some hedges resulted in a fiery death for my wife. I tried to call the fire department, but dammit if my automatic compulsion to pick up plates didn't stop me.

Hunter may have found a new friend in Rolly (a name that makes you want to go up to him and tussle his hair lovingly), but Char was not about to have it. She full-on platonically cockblocked Hunter, totally ruining that awesome knee game. Later, when she left, Hunter rolled his eyes again and muttered, "She's a bitch." But seriously, they see her more as a friend than a stepmom...

Anyway, the families all left on their planes. Well, everyone except the Paolos, who wound up on a third flight that wouldn't arrive in Charleston until half an hour after the others. This was great for us because we then got to see more Paolo fun, especially when the older son complained of being tired. Marion immediately jumped on him, saying, "Hello! You should have gone to bed when you had to go do this. I don't want to hear it from you..." I just really like that she employs the sarcastic, "Hello!" Note to self: make a Sims version of the Paolos.

After the commercial break, we saw the teams arriving in Charleston and what the hey? No airplane diagram? This is blasphemy! Anyway, teams went running to their new SUVs, and amidst the fray, one of the Aiellos called out to their father-in-law, "Tony, get your wheels on!" Hey, wait a second. That's Carissa's cue. That's like telling Superman to get in the Batmobile.

The teams drove to the next clue located in a gazebo (or "Gazébo" as the Gaghan father called it) and found themselves facing the next Detour: Forest Gump or Muddy Waters. Oh so clever, you producers! In Forest Gump, teams had to de-head 200 lbs. of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams had to drive thirty-seven miles away (whoa! That's like a whole leg of the race!) and drive through a mud run, facing the distinct possibility of getting stuck.

The Schroeders opted for the shrimp, which meant we got to hear mommy dearest Char complain, "Aw, shrimp juice in my socks, what's up with that?" She then added, "Even though I'm pulling off their heads, the shrimp really see me more as a friend." Meanwhile, over in the mud pits, the Weavers -- renamed Team Fruit Loop by the Aiellos (in honor of Boston Rob? Bostonians LOVE the term "fruit loop") -- arrived, and before anything even happened, Linda had already uttered, "Thank you, Lord." Well, the Lord thanked them back by immediately letting them get stuck in the mud. Weavers: figure it out. You + vehicles = bad news.

Posted by B-side on October 13, 2005 2:02 AM