One Minute Makes the Biggest Difference! - 
by B-side
The tears were flowing on last night's Amazing Race: Family Edition. It seemed like everyone was crying, and if they weren't, they should have been. The race took some sad and morbid turns as it forced the poor Weaver family onto a race track (thanks, JESUS) and then wound up right in the heart of New Orleans. Aaaawkward. On the plus side, with fewer teams, I've now learned about one or two more names. It's pretty impressive if you think about it. Maybe by the final episode I'll actually know six of the twelve remaining racers. And who said this season wasn't personal?
Last night's show started off on a grim note. The sort of grim note that features a black screen, white text, and Phil's voice. Yes, The Amazing Race would be heading to Mississippi and Louisiana, which meant CBS had to put up a disclaimer to dedicate the episode to the memories of those who died in the hurricane. Well, I'm officially sad now. I'm starting to think The Amazing Race might be cursed. Let's not forget what happened to Sri Lanka after Phil & Co. set foot there (a little bitch I like to call Sue Nammi). And hey, didn't the show go to New York City in 2001? Very fishy. That quake in Asia last week? I think we know where Bertram Van Munster sent the racers for season nine...
Anyway, after the credits, we found our dearest Phil standing amidst the rockets in Huntsville, Alabama. With giant a striped shirt blazin' in the Southern sunlight, he welcomed us back to the race we know and usually love (depends on if it sucks, like this season). We then met up with the Bransens who were first to depart that afternoon. Their mission: travel more than 100 miles (gasp!) to the world's largest office chair in Anniston, Alabama. Yes, Anniston -- "like Jennifer," as Char Schroeder later clarified.
Well, the Bransens headed out to the big chair (although not before dissing 'Bama) and following them were the Linzes, who passed away the travel time with an old game of "Slappy!" -- popularized by Rolly and the Schroeder kid last week. Having a less joyous time were the Godlewskis who started this trip with some old fashioned midwestern bickering. Oh my gad. After the Desperate Housewives hit the road, the Weavers emerged next, and OH NO. Somebody remind the lord that they're ready to race! "Somebody pray!" commanded Linda. Luckily her daughter was right there with some pronto religiousness as she whipped off the little known "Amazing Race" prayer found in Jonathan 18:23.
Now, I like to rib the Weavers because of their kooky reactions to nearly everything, but I don't actually hate them. By and large, they're harmless, and while their religious devotion seems insanely high, I do respect that they've gone through a collective tragedy and need to find strength and guidance in some form. That being said, it was pretty funny to watch the Schroeders completely mock Linda et. al. Pater familias Mark called them "The White Trash Family," whereas Stassi chimed in with "The mom's a wicked witch." Char-Char then added, "At first we're like 'We feel so bad, they lost their dad,' and then we found out they're eeevil." Be careful, Schroeders. You never know what will happen when you mess with the Jesus team...
Next out of the Pit Stop were the fun-lovin' Paolos, and it literally took them about one second before they were a mess. This time, they had lost their information, resulting in screaming, yelling, and various iterations of "MA!" Hot on their heels were those cute Gaghans, and just when I had started to come around to the wiles of young Carissa, I became scared all over again when she announced, "Other teams underestimate us by our size... but I'm smart, I'm funny, and I can keep the team going for a long time." She then added, "WITH THE POWER OF THE DEVIL!!!" Here's an idea: let's make the first ever religious-horror-reality show. Stick Carissa in a house with the Weavers and watch the insanity ensue. I mean, that little girl already has a solid horror name: CARISSA. And as for Linda Weaver? You know who else was named Linda? LINDA BLAIR. This calls for pea soup and Max Von Sydow.
We then rejoined our beloved Paolos, who were now in stage three of a paper cut meltdown. The chaos began when Brian asked, "What's the name of the place?" causing Marion to bellow, "ANNISTON!" That would have been good enough for me, but the bickering continued. As Brian tried to sound out the name, Marion yelled, "A-N-N-I" and then bopped him on the head with the clue. Well, Brian may be 16 years old but that didn't prevent him from yelling, "Ow, and you just gave me a PAPER CUT!" He hates PAPER CUTS! Amusingly enough, Marion retorted with "No, I didn't," to which Brian replied, "Yes, you did." Faced with this compelling argument, Marion relented, saying "sorry," and rubbing her son's injured neck. See, all's well that ends well with the Paolos.
Anyway, the Bransens arrived at the giant office chair first, and well, this was one of the stupidest landmarks I've seen in quite some time. At least build an oversized stapler or coffee machine. The next clue directed teams to Talladega, AL, home of the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. The Bransens had one of the larger understatements of the night as they said, "That wouldn't be good for the Florida team." No, it would not. Just about the only thing worse would be if they had to do something crazy like drive a lap around the world famous Talladega Speedway...
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