Well, as the Weavers headed out to (NotJennifer) Anniston, they passed signs for Talladega, instantly striking fear in their hearts. Linda explained that in the wake of her husband's death, the family has stayed as far away from racing as possible. They don't even look at it on TV. Ah, repression. Always a healthy way to grieve.

Meanwhile, the Bransens arrived at the Hall of Fame and learned they had to... take a lap around the speedway. Oh, this was gonna get tricky for the Weavers. And for a moment, I thought Phil might suffer a Weaver-esque fate as he introduced this next challenge right there on the track. "The biggest motor sport facility--" he said, pausing dramatically while race cars zipped by him, "in the world!"

What Phil then told us was that teams wouldn't be driving a race car. No, they'd be riding a "Party Bike" -- which in case you didn't notice the massive closeup on the web address, is located at PartyBike.com! What's a Party Bike, you ask? Well, a seven person bike, duh! As soon as the teams began piling onto these big, red, circular contraptions, I instantly wanted one. In fact, my thoughts and dreams have been haunted with the idea of riding through Los Angeles in a Party Bike, getting those neck cranes and puzzled looks usually reserved for jackass Segueway people.

Phil! Watch out!!!

Phew! Close call!

Anyway, the Bransens hopped onto their Party Bike and began their two and a half mile trek around the course. "This is probably like a halftime show at these places," said one of the girls. God, I hope not. But then again, I'm sure it was more entertaining than the last Chargers game I went to: halftime was four high schools from Mexico playing sloppy football for ten minutes.

It's like a party... on a bike! Party Bike!

Back at the giant chair, the Gaghans arrived and sent wee Carissa up the ladder to fetch the clue. Do you ever get the feeling that they just don't care about Billy? Everything's all "Look at Carissa run! Look at Carissa climb! Look at Carissa's outfit! Billy, hold Carissa's bag." In stark contrast to the Gaghan perkiness, though, were the Paolos, who arrived at the chair with typical bickering. "Shut up, I'm tired of you guys telling me what to do!" Marion yelled, shoving Brian. Oh man, The Amazing Race and shoves: the love affair continues.

Well, over at Talladega, the Bransens finished their tour de Party Bike first and learned they had to find the Southern Colonel in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. What they didn't know -- as Phil LOVES to say -- was that the Southern Colonel was a trailer park. The Bransens headed out (and let's give a shout out to WalDER for keeping up with everyone this episode), and as they hit the road, the Godlewskis ran out to the speedway, constantly yelling, "Come on! Come on!" -- or as it's pronounced in Godlewski-ese: "Come AN! Come AN!"

As for the Weavers, they finally arrived at the Hall of Fame, causing Linda to shout, "Let's get out of here as quick as we can!!!" Look, the place isn't about to explode. Besides, you're gonna make your kids basketcases anytime they see a car going over thirty miles per hour. Well, the nightmare scenario came true for the Weavers, and as Linda read that they'd have to race a lap, the blonde daughter let out a crushing squeal of "No, mommy we can't!" Say what you will, but I really felt bad for this wounded family, and as the visibly shaken kids walked out on the track, I was actually proud of Linda for putting her own neuroses aside for a second and stepping up to play the role of parent. "Your daddy loved racing. Just let it go. You're above all this," she told her kids. It was very touching. Aaaand now we can go back to making fun of them.

Elsewhere on the track, the Schroeders struggled to get their party going at full speed. Mark insisted that they stop and readjust their seats, causing the family to react with exasperation. "One minute makes the biggest difference, why can't you understand that?" complained Stassi. Meanwhile, the Godlewskis finished up the task and read the next clue. "Find the Southern Colonial in--" started one of the ladies. Thankfully, her sister corrected her, and I couldn't help wondering if the "Colonial" girl was the same one who thought a hangar was an airplane. If it was any consolation, Linda Weaver made the same mistake, except she never realized that "Colonel" is pronounced like "Kernel." Then again, this is the same woman who wasn't sure if Pennsylvania was a state.

"Look! It's Jesus!! Oh, wait. It's just a KFC."

Running up to the track next were the Paolos, who were more than excited to hop into a race car. "Man, can you imagine driving a race car?" asked the dad. Aww, he had all the optimistic joy of a child on Christmas Eve. Too bad Phil & Co. had to crush his dreams with the damn Party Bikes. Oh well. The Paolos were the last family to complete the lap, and as they scampered off, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled across the skies. Seriously, it was like the scariest thunderstorm ever on reality TV.

Out on the road, the Bransen and Linz families were having a blast. So much so that one of the Bransen daughters decided to up and moon the Linzes from the car window. I bet this was nothing compared to Phil's wild and crazy youth. Anyway, the two teams arrived at the Southern Colonel and learned they'd be spending the night there. Before they could rest, however, they had to search the trailers for one of three departure times the next morning. Ah, one of my favorite Race devices.

Posted by B-side on October 20, 2005 4:44 AM