Elsewhere on the road, the Schroeders seemed unable to process the notion that the Southern Colonel might be a trailer park. Even after Mark asked a police officer for help, he brushed off the answer, saying that it just didn't make sense. This drove Stassi nuts as she yelled, "Shut up! Please shut up! Please shut up! Please! You are upsetting me so much!" And from there she just burst into tears and pretty much stayed that way for the rest of the night.

Over at the Southern Colonel, the Gaghans searched for the best possible time, but not before Carissa made her chilling remark of the evening: "I don't like these trailers. They're eeeeevil!" You just know she has an evil ghost twin who haunts those trailers -- popping up in reflections, lurking in shadows, writing scary things on mist-covered bathroom mirrors.

Well, the Schroeders finally arrived at the Southern Colonel, and by the time they found a departure time (the latest one, btw), Stassi was just an emotional wreck. "One minute makes the biggest difference!" she wailed as the Godlewskis tried to calm her down. One minute? How about twenty? Yes, the Paolos arrived last at the trailer park, but they managed to get a twenty minute leg up on several teams by snagging an earlier departure time that had gone unnoticed. This of course made me quite happy as it improved the family's chances of not being stuck at the bottom of the group. I tell you, if those Paolos get eliminated, I'll be a sad man.

The next morning, teams had to find Les at a certain BP station, and good god, we know BP is a sponsor -- RELAX with the promos. I mean, the shilling for Travelocity is bad enough. Next thing you know, they'll be having a challenge where teams have to find Travelocity gnomes hidden in a BP mini-mart, which they'll have to find via a map on AOL.

Well, once teams found this Les guy, they learned they'd have to drive to Louisiana and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So basically, finding Les was literally only a way to plug BP. That's all. There was no challenge associated with the task; no scenic oddity like a giant office chair. Just a big glossy piece of product placement. I guess there's nothing wrong with touting sponsorships. After all, without the sponsors, we probably wouldn't have a race. But at the very least, make the product placements exciting. Running up to Les as he cowers behind a stack of Cheetos is hardly what I call heart-pounding television.

Anyway, everyone headed to Louisiana, and for some reason, we were treated to the arbitrary road map showing the teams's paths. I don't know why the producers show it for some highway trips but not for others. Just another flaw with Family Edition. Meanwhile, in the Schroeder car, in case we couldn't remember, Stassi once again reiterated, "One second makes the biggest difference." SHUT UP. WE KNOW. Technically, since Stassi has repeated herself about two times, we've wasted four seconds on her. Four seconds!!! Don't you realize, Stassi? We don't HAVE four seconds to spare. EVERY SECOND MAKES THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE!

To be fair, Stassi was stressed because dad had gotten the team lost, despite them being in their home state. Everyone else, however, showed up at the next clue, which was the beloved Detour. This week's tasks were a choice between Work and Play. Teams could either use a handsaw to cut four slices off a big log or win three rounds of blackjack against a dealer. The catch with the blackjack though was that everyone on the table had to beat the dealer in order to win a round. Oh, and just for shits and giggles, the producers made the teams dress in period costumes. Yeah, it was funny and I sort of liked it, but don't think we forgot about all that BP nonsense. TVgasm never forgets.

Anyway, the Linz and Bransen families arrived first and opted for blackjack. Meanwhile, the Paolos showed up and got to work on the logs. The Bransens were on fire with their dealer, but the Linz kids had no such luck and decided to try their hand at the log instead. Amazingly, of this first group, the Paolos finished the fastest, and as they assumed first place, they learned they'd have to drive across Lake Pontchartrain and into New Orleans. There, they'd have to park on Esplanade, run through the French Quarter, and find the Pit Stop in Preservation Hall. Ah yes. The creepy sensation of watching New Orleans pre-massive disaster. Can't think about heavy things. Must divert thoughts into reality television.

Well, our old friends the Weavers arrived at the Detour and opted for the very unchristian gambling challenge. Surely the lord would smite them with a rampaging buggy. But no, their luck turned golden in the Amazing Race casino. First off, the dealer's name was Roy. "His name's Roy!!" squealed the family, pointing at the reliably silent Rolly. Wow! They're both named Roy. Clearly a sign from the Lord! Seriously, it was. The family won their first two hands right out of the gate, causing the winless Gaghans at the next blackjack table to abandon their plans and try their luck at the logs.

Posted by B-side on October 20, 2005 4:44 AM