The episode began in Utah -- that most derided state by the Family Weaver. (It's less loved by God, according to Rolly and other uneducated children in America.) As the show revved up its engines, Phil reminded us that the Weavers, who had survived last week's non-elimination round, have been stripped of all cash. It's too bad. I was just thinking that Linda should really pick up another bottle of bleach. Her hair's been looking only semi ridiculous these days.

Well, the Linzes headed out of the gate first and were directed to Park City High School for their next clue. Unfortunately, poor Megan was feelin' a little sick. Maybe it was all that testosterone raging around her (they don't call Tommy "Uncle Bone" for nothin'). Anyway, the Bransens left the Pit Stop next, and here's a surprise. Oldest daughter Beth was not -- I repeat, was not -- wearing her giant, goofy hat. What gives? Maybe she gave it to the Weavers to use as a backpack.

Out next were the Oh-My-Gaaadlewskis who started this leg in insta-bicker mode. Poor, emotionally unstable Chrissy felt the brunt of this collective PMS-ing as her sisters harped on her for nearly every thing she said. Even that one quiet one -- Tricia -- snapped as she yelled "PARK CITY!" for no real reason.

"I just don't think it's, you know, polite for even my sisters to dis on me," Christine said. Yeah man. Why you got to be dissing on my homegirl Chrissy? She don't want to be put on blast, yo. If you gonna put her on front street, you better be ready to bring it, biatch.

Godlewski: The original G-Unit

Anyway, the Linzes finally arrived at Park City High School where they learned they'd be inflating a hot air balloon. Does this mean they'll be rigging Beth's missing hat to a basket and flying across the countryside? Well, as expected, the balloon experience wouldn't begin for several more hours, which meant there'd be a nifty time equalizer. But it wasn't a total loss. Basically, shuttles would take the teams to the balloon site starting at 6 AM and leaving every ten minutes. You know the drill: take a number, wait your turn, etc.

Well, with nothing else to do, the Linzes climbed into their trailer, and after a prayer from Tommy, they all went to sleep. The same went for the Bransens and Godlewskis, but not the Weavers. They actually slept at the Pit Stop. They were so far behind that they actually didn't depart until about 5 AM. As the Weavers opened their first clue, Rolly read that one team had zero dollars for this leg of the race, causing one of the daughters to chirp, "I wonder who that is!" OH GOOD JOKE!!! I've never heard before from EVERY OTHER TEAM AFTER A NON-ELIMINATION LEG.

Nevertheless, the Weavers hit the road with more victimization as Linda told us, "We've never really been treated like this!" That's right! Most people like them!!! And by "most people," I mean "peroxide vendors."

Well, the Weavers hit the road and arrived at the high school just as all the other teams were crawling out of their campers and embracing the morning sun (Megan sickness update: she felt much better, thank you very much). As Team Florida pulled into the parking lot, they welcomed the day with their own brand of annoying friendliness: "Your Yield didn't work for us, SUCKER!" yelled Rebecca. Yeah, why do people hate them so much? Makes no sense.

After parking, the Weavers then scampered around for the next clue, which Rolly found quite easily. "Good job!" squawked resident cheerleader Linda, adding, "Rolly, you always find it!" Yeah, well, maybe it's because he's not a total IDIOT.

With a clue in hand and a fresh night of Jesus sleep under their belt, the Weavers then approached the other teams and tried some lame mix of passive-aggression and intimidation. "It's great to have a good night's sleep!" they bragged with exaggerated arms stretching (memo to Weavers: RVs have beds -- with mattresses too!). Linda then adopted full-on crazy mode by yelling, "Are you sorry you wasted your Yield? YOU WILL BE!!!" And with that, she cackled and flew away on her broomstick, leaving just the odor of sulfur hanging in the air.

Now I hate to break this to Linda, but the Linzes really didn't waste their Yield. If memory serves me correctly, there were only two Yields on the race. So basically, it was now or never for the Linzes. Is it really wasting a Yield if it's the last possible time you can use it? That sounds like smart conservation of Yield powers to me!

Posted by B-side on December 2, 2005 3:27 PM