Pitching Tents - 
by B-side
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to announce that for the first time in a month, The Amazing Race: Family Edition has finally eliminated another team. That's right. We haven't seen any sort of Philimination action since way back on November 8th when the Paolos were unceremoniously dropped from the Race roster. Since then, we've had a week off for the Country Music Awards, a non-elimination round in Utah, a fakeout Pit Stop in Wyoming, and now finally this episode. Now, I hate to be a hater, and I've never really turned my nose up on non-eliminations in the past (my theory being that anything that prolongs the wonderful Amazing Race experience is always awesome in my book), but I gotta admit that this dearth of activity combined with an already weak season has really depleted any momentum this show had left. I mean, things were picking up in Central America. It almost felt like the Race we knew and love was back. But now that we've spent the past three episodes traveling from park to ranch to park to ranch with little else in between, I find myself asking that most derided of road trip questions: are we there yet?
Well, for those of you who don't remember what happened last week, the teams arrived at Phil, and as I had predicted, he announced that the leg was not in fact over. Yes, it was one of those alterna-non-elimination legs -- the kind where the producers don't have to buy a prize for whoever's in first place. As this week's episode began, we watched once again as the Weavers and Bransens sprinted to Phil who may or may not have been tethered to a nearby fence. Anyway, FencePhil™ handed over the next clue which told the teams to drive to Dubois, Wyoming and find Turtle Ranch. Oooh! Another ranch! How exciting. I wonder if the teams will take a long, boring stretch of highway to get there!
The Bransens and the Weavers headed off to the next rancho del excitement while the Godlewskis and Linzes continued to make their way to Phil. We then cut to Tommy Linz as he managed to spray semi-chomped cheese doodles all over himself and his sister. And let's be honest. If there were ever a snack to sum up Tommy, it's cheese doodle.
Meanwhile, the Godlewskis had no idea where Phil's ranch was; so they stopped by a pay phone to call information. Of course, since Chrissy spearheaded this tactic, it only took about .347 seconds before those dueling hyenas known as Michelle and Sharon began screaming and complaining. When this minor detour proved to be fruitless, Michelle continued to make a fuss, causing Chrissyrella to suddenly lash out, "Michelle, all you're doing is complaining. You're not coming up with any ideas!" Well, this big bad momma would have none of that as she yelled back, "DON'T TELL ME I DON'T PUT ANYTHING IN!!!" Chris, in the future, just give her a pint of Chubby Hubby. That'll shut her up.
Elsewhere on the open road, the Bransens headed towards Dubois with empty stomaches, causing general crabbiness to descend upon the sisters like a mighty, oversized hat. Now they could only be 120% perky, as opposed to the usual 175%. Before we could really learn the extent of the Bransen's hunger, the sound of random, European-ish techno suddenly filled the airwaves as we then found the Weavers hunting for a gas station. Why the house music? Were the Weavers about to embark on an Ecstasy-fueled rave for the Lord? Or would Phil be showing up wearing a backpack and sucking a lollipop? WE COULD ONLY HOPE.
Unfortunately, we never really found out how or why that techno made it onto the soundtrack, but it was surely a welcome change from the usual "dunh-dunh, dunh-dunh-Dunh, Dunh-Dunh-DUNH, DUNH DUNH!!!" progression (although, I highly enjoy that too). Anyway, the Weavers were searching for a gas station, but not because they needed gas. No, they needed directions. But hey, why not get gas while they're at it? NO! Driver Rebecca refused to fill up. Would this be foreshadowing for some sort of gasoline-related vehicular break-down? I was certainly hoping so. Nevertheless, Rachel was not happy with her sister's executive decision, and when Ma said that it was Rebecca's choice ultimately, Rachel balked, "She's not the smartest one in the group!" And in the Weaver family, that's really saying something.
Meanwhile, the Linzes finally reached Phil, or The Phillinator as Tommy called him. As expected, the fam caught Phil's curveball with the usual blend of excitement and glee, and as they headed off to Dubois, the Godlewskis approached the ranch. "15200!!! RIGHT THERE!!! Bigger than daylight!" Michelle yelled, adding, "Remember, I'm not contributing anything Chris!" Shut up, bitch. You read a sign. Congratulations.
With tensions running high in the Godlewski SUV, Christine began crying in anticipation of elimination. But lo! Phil turned that frown upside down. The Desperate Housewives zipped off to the next destination, leaving Sir Keoghan to call out "You're still in it, guys! Don't stop racing!" At which point Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" popped into my head, except with Phil on vocals (and tambourine. Because you know he totally loves to shake the tambourine).
Well, the Bransens arrived at Turtle Ranch first, and guess what, folks? It was closed for the night. Who would have thunk it? Yes, that's right. The gates wouldn't open until 7 AM which meant err'body would be all tied up again. Ain't that convenient? That's okay. If it means that the Linzes can rise to the top of the pack again, I'm all for it.
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