The big show started out with none other than Phil Keoghan greeting us from the fine city of Denver, Colorado. He came to us with slightly shorter hair than usual (must have been enjoying a summer holiday in Auckland), but more importantly, that old trademark was back. The one thing that let us know we were back to basics in season nine. Yes, Phil was decked out in his big, puffy, ribbed turtleneck -- a sartorial gesture that seemed to say, "It's okay. It'll be just like old times." What a way to start the season!

We then caught up with the teams who were filing into Colorado's famous Red Rocks Amphitheater. First up were Lake and Michelle, a married couple who also served as dentist and dentist's assistant. If thoughts of Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors came to mind, you were not far off. Yes, Blake was the typical insane Southern maniac who excused his behavior as merely rampant and misunderstood "intensity." I'm sure that's how Hitler described himself too. Of course, at this early point in the episode, we couldn't really tell just how villainous Blake was or will be, but I had a bad feeling about him -- mostly due to his uncanny resemblance to Phil. He was kind of like Phil with brown hair. A DarkPhil, if you will. And DarkPhil can only mean one thing: PURE EVIL. If only he had an eye patch...

LightPhil vs. DarkPhil

As for Lake's wife, Michelle, she was merely content to live in a fantasy world -- one where her existence was validated by some delusion of carrying the Scarlett O'Hara torch. She noted that her relationship with Lake "probably does exemplify women from the South, the old era of Scarlett making it through the war and doing whatever she has to do." Never mind that it's 2006, not 1864, we'll just let Michelle be. I'm sure she'll be taking enough abuse throughout the season.

The next duo we met were Danielle and Dani, childhood friends from Staten Island who apparently derived great joy from dancing awkwardly on bar tops. Then there were BJ and Tyler, two Harvard hippie friends who surely ripened any form of mass transportation with their patchouli "essence." The guys described themselves as "searchers for the funny and ironic" -- as evidenced by them swinging fake swords, shooting imaginary guns, and plucking ukuleles. I could tell that I would have massive disdain for these two, but then when they promised feats of treachery and deceit, I retracted my stinkin' thinkin'. Maybe there was more to these guys than met the eye (or the nostril).

We then met Ray and Yolanda, a long-distance dating African American couple. They seemed like pretty friendly people. I took a shine to them, and who couldn't appreciate Yolanda's uninhibited use of extreme super short shorts? Next were John and Scott, the "lifelong friends" whose love for life was only exceeded by their passion for lumbering, gigantic dogs. The two men had apparently been friends from high school, and back in those days, Scott's dad once called John "his tallest daughter." Yes, these two were the token gay couple of the season. Or were they? "I love him like a brother, and nothing more than that," Scott said of John. So they weren't a couple? Or were they? Yes, it was the real life incarnation of the Ambiguously Gay Duo, not seen since Big Brother 5's Jase and Scott. Well, then there was Landon and MJ on The Real World: Philly too. Okay, I guess this really isn't a very unique phenomenon. Moving on...

Either those dogs are really big, or John and Scott are really small.

Of course, no season could ever be complete without a bland, forgettable couple with tendencies towards bitterness and scoffing. This time around, that honor went to Joseph and Monica, a milquetoast duo who annoyingly merged their names into "Team Mojo." Personally, I would have opted for Team Moseph or Josica, but that's just me. "There's no stopping the Mojo," Joseph laughed in an interview. Pure genius, Joseph. Your humor will be the backbone of this season.

Next were the affable Eric and Jeremy, two beach bums who contentedly spent their days working as a bartender and valet respectively. The two talked about gettin' girls and whatnot, and while they seemed ripe for ridicule and mocking, the truth was that they were just two dorky guys trying to have fun. "We would like to be millionaires," Jeremy started.

"But we don't want to work for it," Eric then said, causing the two to chuckle. Hey, at least they're honest about it.

Next were two tall women with vaguely lesbianish appearances. Turns out they were sisters named Lisa and Joanie. But wait, they were more than just two middle-aged women with Alexis Stewart's hairstyle. "We are superheroes! We are the Glamazons!" they proclaimed. And this was demonstrated by the two trying on tiaras and applying rhinestones with a Bedazzler. These two women annoyed me, but I was amused by their cartoonish reaction to successfully bedazzling one stud onto a piece of fabric. Seriously, how much mileage has Bedazzler gotten out of reality TV?

Amazing!

Posted by B-side on March 3, 2006 1:47 AM