We then met Fran and Barry, our obligatory old couple. For some reason, I always root for the old fogeys. Probably has something to do with underdogs and whatnot. These two didn't really bring anything to the table that we haven't already seen. Then there were Wanda and Desiree, or as I like to call them, Wanda and Norah Jones. Yes, this mother and daughter team was ready to attack the Race, well, as soon as they were done with their fondue set. I really do wonder who choses the inane props these people must play with at the beginning of every season. Anyway, I liked these two, and let it be known that Desiree was absolutely beautiful. Just let it be known.

Last, but not least were Dave and Lori, two self-proclaimed nerds of the group (as opposed to the completely un-nerdy duos of BJ and Tyler and Jeremy and Eric). These two were all sweet and cuddly, full of big grins, awkward teeth, and proud accomplishments. "I'm really great at taking tests," David bragged. And as we all know, The Amazing Race is littered with SATs and MCATs.

With all the teams out of the way, we could finally move onto the race. Phil told everyone all the rules, and then, with a twinkle in his eye and a puff in his turtleneck, he swooshed his arm down, thus officially kicking off the race. The teams immediately scrambled out of the amphitheater, finding their bags in a nearby parking lot and learning that they would then be flying to São Paulo, Brazil. They could only take one of three flights on either Continental, United, and American. Oh, and they couldn't call ahead and book their tickets. Everyone hopped into their Mercedeses (looks like the show has become quite flashy in old age), and as they sped off to the airport, those always wonderful opening credits scrolled across the screen.

About five minutes later (I needed about four and a half minutes to replay the intro, hum the music to myself), we returned to the race where Monica (she of Team MoJo) marveled at how the hippies had somehow gotten in front of her and Joseph. "How the hell did they run so fast? They haven't been smoking pot for a while, I guess," she said. Look, they're searching for the funny and ironic! Nothing's going to stop them! NOTHING!

The Glamazon sisters, meanwhile, marveled at their budget for this leg of the race. "We have $140 bucks... to probably eat monkey testicles or something like that," one of them said, later adding, "That money could be going towards a new Bedazzler. A wacky, wacky Bedazzler. Like us! We're wacky!!"

Also concerned about their money were Eric and Jeremy who wanted to use their funds on barhopping and picking up chicks. At this point, Jeremy made some harmless joke (his second or third one) and followed it up with this strange, little, high-pitched, panting/laughing noise. We got to see it a few times in the episode, and I'm convinced it will become a running theme. Watch for it, people.

We later cut back to the sisters who explained a little bit why they were on this crazy race to begin with. "I'm almost fifty, and I want to unsheathe my womanhood," said one of them. I didn't exactly know what she meant by that, but it sort of sounded gross and disturbing coming from her. Glamazon? More like GLAMADON'T! Sorry, I felt like being sassy for a moment.

Meanwhile, over in Scarlett O'Hara's Mercedes of antebellum glee, Lake told his wife to pull over and book the plane tickets from a pay phone. Sounds like a good idea, but as we all knew, NOT ALLOWED. Looks like somebody didn't want to read all of his clue. This could only end with a lot of hissing and "dang nabbits."

Well, while Lake and Michelle pulled over and violated the hallowed rules of The Amazing Race, everyone else parked their cars and boarded various airline shuttles. John and Scott and Lisa and Joni wound up on one bus together, and unsurprisingly, they hit it off immediately. The guys were so happy with their new female companions (platonically, natch) that they even revealed their special nicknames for them: Frosties. Why? Don't know. Maybe it had to do with something in their hair? Or maybe John and Scott were just painfully uncreative. Yeah, probably that. Either way, the girls were tickled pink -- or lime green, rather (their designated color) -- but then again, it didn't take much to get Lisa and Joni screaming. They could come across an acorn on the sidewalk and be yelling with joy two seconds later.

Anyway, the teams finally entered the airport where they had to choose between flights. American arrived in Brazil first, followed by United, and Continental. This, of course, led to lots of sprinting across the terminals, followed by anxious mingling in the ticket lines. Danielle and Dani were big hits with the guys, with Tyler and BJ anointing them Team Double D. Monica, meanwhile, began tearing up when it became evident that she and Joseph wouldn't be Mojo-ing on the American Airlines flight. "Are you seriously crying?" Joseph asked unsympathetically. Hark! The decline of Team MOJO!!!

Back on the road, Michelle suddenly realized that Lake had made a huge mistake. You see, she actually deigned to read the instructions on the clue (so very Scarlett of her) and discovered that their little pay phone move was in fact verboten. "Dang gummit!" Lake said (or something like that. My Twang-To-English translators were a little off). Anyway, this caused Lake to have a pensive moment, leading him to eventually admit, "I'm sorry. That was partially my fault, really." Partially? Who else's fault was it? God's? Phil Keoghan's? The camera man's?

Posted by B-side on March 3, 2006 1:47 AM