This week's episode began in São Paulo with surfers / horndogs Eric and Jeremy busting out of the gate first. Their destination was an office building a few miles away, and while they certainly cared about getting there as quickly as possible, they also had other pressing matters on their minds (and by "minds," I mean a tiny smattering of neurons and synapses).

"We definitely have girls on the brain. And if we get some sex on the race..." Eric said, pausing perhaps to fantasize one brief second.

"Or dating or something," Jeremy added.

"Or sex, then it's good," Eric said. Something tells me these two guys will be saying the same thing twenty-five years from now when they have receding hairlines, small hoop earrings, and all access tickets to the latest singles cruise leaving Miami.

Quite the uneven tuck you got going on there, Phil.

Anyway, a few other teams headed out on this leg of the race (the hippies, Wanda & Desiree), and then we suddenly heard a man say, "Being in love with each other..." I didn't even have to listen to the rest of the quote. As hearts and songbirds cluttered up my living room, it was obvious that Dave and Lori -- nerds in love and nerdy in love -- had emerged from the Pit Stop. But in the spirit of Eric and Jeremy's off-color sexual remarks, Dave got down and dirty, calling Lori his "hotty boom-botty with the naughty Pilates." Ooooh! Risqué! But don't worry. In case you feared for a nanosecond that Dave's love for Lori had perhaps turned into wanton lust, he then added, "I love you." I can almost hear the Carpenters song that perpetually plays inside their heads...

Meanwhile, back in Jeremy and Eric's taxi, the two surfers saw a bunch of hotties roaming the dark streets of São Paulo. "Hey, there're prostitutes!" Jeremy remarked. Well, you guys said you wanted sex. Looks like you've got your chance! For a moment, I actually thought the guys might call over one of the ladies, especially after Eric admire their asses, but then Jeremy made a stunning discovery: "Oh, that's a man! Oh my gosh!" Woops! That could have been very awkward -- for them at least. It would have been hilarious for the rest of us.

Well, after this near reenactment of The Eddie Murphy Story, the guys reached the office building only to find that the doors didn't open until eight that morning. Who'd have thunk it? Meanwhile, back at the Pitstop, ADHD sufferer and dentist from hell, Lake, zipped off with his fawning wife Michelle trailing behind. They had a certain urgency in their step -- almost as if a black person were right on their heels. Actually, the only people in striking distance were the dynamic duo of soporific splendor, Monica and Joseph, or as they're known in superhero circles, Team Mojo. They were followed by Ray and Yolanda (a.k.a. Raylanda) as well as Fran and Barry (a.k.a. Frankenberry -- thanks to reader Flypay's son). Around this time, we learned that Fran was a cancer survivor, which added more empathy to my already high default empathy for old couples. Still, cancer didn't excuse last week's bumbling stupidity on their part. They better get their act together this time around.

Last to depart were the ever annoying sisters, Lisa and Joni, or the "Glamazons" as they erroneously called themselves. In typical form, they busted out of the gate with an ear-piercing "Yahoo!" and I instantly wanted to rename them Team SHUTUP-azons. Nevertheless, they rejoined all the other teams, and at 8 AM, the doors opened up and everyone could snatch their next clue. And what might that next clue be? Why, the very first Roadblock of the new season. Yay!

In this arduous task, one member from each team had to climb up one of three fire escapes, all the way to the roof of this building. Oh, and did I mention this building was like gazillion stories tall? Once at the top, that person would then have to rappel down again to receive the next clue. Not a crazy Roadblock, but I liked the staircase element. Made it much more interesting than the standard "Rappel down and try not to get scared" challenge. Unfortunately, Phil described this all whilst slowly climbing a fire escape. Don't the producers realize that if there's ever a rooftop to summit, Phil should always be atop it, safely harnessed to avoid any unspeakable accidents?

Well, the various racers all attacked the staircases, and I immediately felt bad for Dave. The poor guy gets back sweat by scratching his forehead. How was he going to handle all these stairs? He literally might die. Faring better was Jeremy who sprinted up the stairs. His (life?) partner Eric cheered him on from down below and also gave encouragement to Danielle who was struggling on the stairs. Why? "I gotta make the girls feel good so I can get in their pants later," Eric told us. Wow, Eric and Jeremy are two wild and crazy guys! Is it me, or are they living some goofy '80s movie?

Posted by B-side on March 9, 2006 1:47 PM