In "Sand," teams had to find a pile of forty large branches, drag them across a beach, and leave them on a sand dune. Phil told us, this was called, "Brushing the beach." I personally call it "Pain in the ass."

In "Sea," teams had to dive into the ocean and search through fifty crayfish traps. Each team member would have to retrieve a crayfish and bring it to a guy on the beach. One catch (no pun intended): only a few of the traps had crayfish in them. So tricky...

Anyway, as Jeremy and Eric pedaled on over to the Detour site, Monica and Joseph were passed by the Hippies. "They're sleazeballs," Mojo complained. Now, the Hippies may be a lot of things -- smelly, sort of annoying, not really Hippies at all -- but c'mon. They're not sleazeballs. And at least they don't smell like SWORDFISH (cut to Monica sniffing her shirt as she reads this).

Down at the beach, Jeremy and Eric decided to go diving for crawfish (which happens to be their code phrase for "69ing"). As part of this challenge, they had to change into wee Speedos, which as we all know, shouldn't have been a problem for these guys. "I hope you guys want to see some ass!" Eric said. Don't act like you don't love it:

Pleasure Dome!

The Hippies arrived soon after, and they opted to drag those damn branches around. I really thought it would be easier than the crayfish, but I was completely wrong. Watching the Hippies sweat and toil made me want to vicarious jump in that ocean right then and there. Also overheating were Mojo, who were having some issues with their tandem bicycle. I don't remember exactly what the problem was, but it caused Joseph to suddenly yell at his girlfriend, "Don't GRIPE!!!" Oh, c'mon now. That's like asking her not to breathe.

Well, Monica said that Joseph should pay more attention, and he snapped back, "I AM paying attention! I'm drinking water! I can't stop!" To me, those seemed like three independent thoughts crushed into one rant. Was he saying that he couldn't stop drinking water? Or he couldn't stop the bike because he was drinking water? Or the fact that he was drinking water therefore proved that he was paying attention? I was confused. I really shouldn't apply to much mental energy to Mojo.

Having a happier time were Jeremy and Eric, who were positively giddy to be in their native garb: Speedos. "If there were chicks, we'd be hooking up with them," Jeremy said, then adding, "But there aren't any chicks around. So what do you say, Eric? Will you be mine?"

Okay, he didn't say that, but he did express fear of shriveling as he plunged into the surf. Apparently there would be some penis-length challenge coming up. Wouldn't want to screw that up!

Mojo showed up next and opted to swim, while the next team, Fran and Barry, joined the Hippies as they dragged those branches around. Eventually, Jeric grabbed their crayfish and returned to shore. "This is a Baywatch moment," Jeremy said. Yes, a really, really lame Baywatch moment. From the lost "Crayfish Emergency!" episode. Actually, come to think of it, I'd totally watch that.

Jeremy and Eric received their next clue which said they'd have to take a Ferry back to Fremantle and then find the local prison. If there was anyone who was psyched about going to prison, I'm sure it was these two. Just saying. Oz in Oz? A dream come true!

As the frat boys marched out of the Detour area, they saw the Hippies pulling the branches and laughed. "I thought those guys went to Harvard and Stanford. They're out there doing menial labor!" Jeremy the valet noted. Uh, it's not their jobs. Just because they went to elite schools doesn't mean they're above pulling a few branches around. Besides, they're American Bedouins, man! Pulling branches is their calling!

Over in the ocean, Joseph managed to grab a crayfish, and with that, the team retreated to the shore. You see, Monica said that they only needed one fish for their group -- which was wrong. Oh, Joseph was so gonna flip out on her! Believe it or not, when the crayfish collector sent the two back into the water, Joseph was fairly calm. "We've got the crappiest luck," he said. It's not luck. It's being able to READ.

Anyway, it was Monica's time to grab a crayfish, and we all know how she does with seafood (not well). First she dove down and poked around in the trap, but sadly, she couldn't find anything in there. Never mind that a giant crustacean was sitting inside. Monica just could not see it. Maybe she should have opened her eyes. Anyway, she dove down again, and this time she saw her crayfish, or "lobster" as she called it. Even though she had a giant protective glove on, Monica returned to the surface and whined, "I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared!" Yeah, probably not as much as that poor crayfish. When Joseph rolled his eyes at his idiot girlfriend, she replied, "I have every right to be scared of him!" Yeah? Try being boiled ALIVE!!

Posted by B-side on April 27, 2006 3:32 PM