Here's a shocker: did you know that real Indian people actually exist? Yup, they do! Not that we'd ever know by the general dearth of them on reality TV. Well, The Amazing Race was gonna change all that with Vipul (pronounced VEE-pil) and Arti, a wonderful husband and wife, who just might be the nicest, kindest, most loving couple on reality TV this year (yes, nicer than the Nerds from last season). They also became one of my instant faves.

Next up were Kellie and Jamie, two best friends and cheerleaders from South Carolina -- not to be confused with the beauty queens. Here's an easy way to tell them apart: the beauty queen spend their free time sprinting through the park. The cheerleaders spend their free time saying really dumb things like "You could put us in a cardboard box, and we'd find a way to have fun." Funny, I think I once saw a porn that started that way. (It was called Cardboard Whores -- really crappy.)

A little later, Jamie noted, "We both have the personality that we could have a conversation with a doorknob." I'm not sure if that's such a great attribute. Usually, if you're talking to inanimate objects, we refer to that as "crazy." That being said, I would, however, really love to see the girls conversing with a doorknob.

Generic Los Angeles team #2 then arrived on the scene in the form of Tyler and James, two pretty boys who we discovered were recovering... gay people? Nope. They were "recovering drug addicts and models." Does that mean they were recovering from modeling? Probably not. So what's the story on these two? James explained, "Tyler and I, we actually met through HEAVY DRUG USE." At that point, Tyler's face kind of dropped, as if to say, "Did you really need to say that?"

The dark days of gettin' high and cuddling with helium canisters.

But look at them now!

The next team were two lovely black ladies, Lyn and Karlyn. They were both life-long friends and single-mothers, which of course begged the question: where were their kids? They seemed nice enough, and later on, they forged the first rivalry; so you can't overlook that.

And finally, the obligatory gay couple: Tom and Terry. They were fortysomething boyfriends, and oh yeah, they were fuh-LAME-ing (said in the most fuh-LAME-ing voice). Imagine Nathan Lane in The Birdcage split into two and looking disheveled. That was what they were like. They pretty much were the phrase "light in the loafers" brought to life, and just in case we didn't fully understand their sexual orientation, we saw them giggling like little girls in a nail salon (somewhere, stereotype-busting Reichen is probably stewing in anger).

Sadly, there was no old couple this season (I would have gladly swapped out a generic couple for some fogeys), but aside from that, this cast seemed to be one of the strongest in quite some time. And honestly, that's essential with this show. You know it's going to be a good season when you can barely stand to see a team go home, and that's the way I already felt just three minutes in.

Anyway, with all the introductions made, Phil went over some ground rules. There would be eight Pit Stop elimination points, and furthermore, "In this race, there WILL be surprises you never expected!" he warned. For instance, now when teams check in, they'll have to dance a jig with Phil until he feels they've honored his art form with the appropriate levels of deference. Okay, no, I just made that up. I have no idea what's in store for this season.

Finally, it was time to start this thang. Phil raised his arm and after a few tense moments yelled "Go!" Sadly, this sendoff did not include the patented eyebrow-lift that we so love, but we can always sub in something from last season:

Nice, but no eyebrow...

Ah, much better.

The teams all ran past Phil, down a hillside, and to their bags where the first clue waited. Unlike previous seasons which have started in South America or Europe, the stakes got real high real fast as everyone learned they'd be traveling to Beijing, China. An extreme language barrier right from the start? I love it!

Teams had to take one of two flights: United, which left at around 1:20 PM (I believe) or Korea Air, which left at 2 PM. Six sets of tickets would be available for both. I immediately thought this would be the standard Amazing Race trickery where the flight that leaves later arrives first, but nope -- United was better through and through.

Well, everyone got in their cars and sped off towards the airport, and we heard our first religious uttering of the season as one of the Muslim guys praised, "Allah is the greatest!" Deep spirituality is perfectly fine -- but let's just hope that these guys don't turn into the second-coming of The Weavers.

Over with the Winners (Erwin and Godwin), Godwin made an affable joke about returning to the homeland, even though he wasn't Chinese, and elsewhere, David & Mary, Kandice & Dustin, and Duke & Lauren all struggled to start their cars. Just the standard Amazing Race pandemonium. Luckily, man triumphed over machine, and soon all the teams were on the road, trying to navigate their way to the airport.

The single moms were particularly excited about the upcoming trip to China, and not just because they'd never been before. "Remember what I told you about... what I said about people from Alabama in China?" Karlyn asked, adding, "They like us because of the movie Forest Gump." Unfortunately, I guess that means the Chinese must also think people from Alabama are IDIOTS.

Posted by B-side on September 18, 2006 10:19 PM