Anyway, everyone seemed lost and/or caught in traffic, and while I don't know what this is in reference to, I've got written down in my notes, "Vipul and Arti -- aww, so nice." I don't remember what was said or done, but honestly, you can't argue with that. They really are so nice!

Meanwhile, David and Mary struggled in this non-coalmine terrain. Them highways be tough! And speaking of highways, there was some dreadful accident on I-5, causing traffic to back up for miles. Ever the risk taker, prosthetic genius Peter decided to get off the highway and take a side road around the traffic. Would this risk pay off? Yup! It did! Looks like Peter and Sarah had a leg up on the competition! I mean, er, never mind.

Mary and David continued to struggle with all these crazy roads and such, causing Mary to tell us that where they come from, the man calls the shots, but on this race, they were gonna be equal. I really did love these two. If they were out first, I was gonna cry. Literally cry. Okay, just kidding. No tears would be shed. But I'd certainly be crestfallen.

Well, somehow, despite their total confusion, David and Mary actually arrived at the airport in second place, just behind Peter and Sarah. Actually, it's not that they arrived at the airport. It's that they arrived at the remote Thrifty parking that was designated on the instructions. From there, they took a bus to the terminals, and while on the shuttle, David and Mary talked with Kandice and Dustin, who also had shown up. When the girls revealed that they were beauty queens, a starstruck Mary covered her mouth and gushed, "Ooooohhhh!!! Yer beauuuutiful!!!" To which David added... silence.

Anyway, Peter and Sarah, Dustin and Kandice, and David and Mary easily booked seats on the earlier United flight. Out on the roads, however, several teams made the dreaded mistake of following the signs to the "rental car returns" area. We knew this was wrong because the shot slowed down multiple times whenever anyone followed this sign, almost as if to say, "OMG!!! They're going to the rental car returns where they shall DIE!!!" Apparently, the rental car returns area was different than the Thirty parking lot (an understandable mistake), and suddenly, the cheerleaders and the Muslim guys found themselves prowling through a garage with the Asians and Robberly (Kimberly + Rob) not far behind. The teams soon wound up in a slow-moving line, and as we headed into the first commercial break, Rob wondered if they'd even make the flights in the first place. Dunh dunh DUNH!!!

Well, here's a shock. A helpful airport worker pointed everyone in the right direction and disaster was magically averted. Recovering junkies Tyler and Jamie, meanwhile, made it to the airport sans Thrifty fiasco and wound up fourth on the United flight, followed by Duke and Lauren, and Lyn and Karlyn. The rest were stuck on the slower Korean flight. With the hustle for tickets now at a close, it was time for the teams to get to know each other. Vipul introduced himself to the Cheerleaders as "Vipul of the People," which the girls absolutely adored. The Cheerleaders then asked Duke and Lauren what their relation was -- "Are y'all like brother and sister, or y'all dating or what?"

"This is my dad," Lauren said, adding "My very, very disappointed, ashamed father." And with that Duke began bawling right there. Okay, that didn't happen, and quite honestly, I'm surprised it didn't. The Cheerleaders then extended their outreach program to the Muslims, but whoa whoa whoa, even though he had just given a hearty handshake to Vipul of the People, Bilal was not about to touch the womenfolk. Apparently, this was against his religion (although, last time I checked, Kaysar happily allowed contact with the fairer sex). The Cheerleaders didn't seem to mind this rejection, and later, they asked each other, "Do Muslims believe in Buddha?" Oh, sweet uninformed cheerleaders. How regretfully wrong you are. Funny thing about Buddha: it turns out that Buddhists believe in Buddha.

"Don't leave me hangin' bro!"

Meanwhile, in an effort to disprove the meat-head stereotype wrong, Godwin and Erwin headed into the airport bathroom and filled up water guns. They then proceeded to squirt the hillbillies and several other teams, who laughed good-naturedly but inside were probably thinking "Um... seriously? What the hell?" (Because that's what I was thinking). Unfortunately, the Winners didn't realize that brandishing fake arms in an airport isn't always a great idea. An airport guard (specifically, the tallest airport guard in all of Washington state) confiscated the water guns and revealed that they were absolutely not allowed. Man, if it had been Bilal and Sa'eed with the water guns, they'd already be locked up in a back room, suffering their eighth hour of interrogation.

"These water guns belong to people only seven feet tall and higher."

Finally, it was time to hop on the planes, and because Sarah had leg issues, she was allowed to pre-board, raising the ire of several other teams, particularly the single-moms. They didn't think it was particularly fair that she received special treatment, but then again, did it really matter? It's not like Sarah got better seats as a result of her leg.

We then zipped across the world to China where teams had to make their way to the Gold House restaurant. Since it was night time, I just assumed the restaurant wouldn't open until 8 AM the next morning, but as I later found out, I was wrong. Anyway, everyone reeled in the culture shock, with Duke and Lauren particularly wowed over. Unfortunately, after a few moments of euphoria, Duke remembered that his daughter was a lesbian and began crying again. Poor guy.

Posted by B-side on September 18, 2006 10:19 PM