Of course, the best part about China was the massive language barrier -- as best evidenced by David and Mary who for some reason thought "Quack! Quack!" was Chinese for "Fast! Fast!" It also explains why Mary always calls ducks "Chinamen with beaks." Okay, I made that up. Nevertheless, the change of scenery certainly bowled over David and Mary, the latter of which said, "It's like dropping a thirty-year-old baby into the world and telling them, 'Just go!'" Of course, she said it in that charming Kentucky accent of hers -- the kind that made me smile fondly and say "I LOVE THEM." Other teams had similar reactions, like dullards Tyler and James. It's kind of too bad they're not on heroin anymore. They probably were a lot more interesting then.

As for Lyn and Karlyn, their mild irritation at Sarah and Peter had somehow ballooned into fullscale hatred, and I rubbed my hands in anticipation of another wonderful Amazing Race rivalry. We didn't really have any good ones last season (the Hippies vs. Jeric doesn't count), but who could forget the Linzes vs. the Weavers or Rob and Amber vs., well, everyone? That's what this show is all about: cold, vitriolic rivalries.

Meanwhile, Godwin -- who's not a meat head -- made his official observation about China: "It's a lot like Korea; just, uh, more Chinese characters." Another bombshell discovery! He later went to Spain and noted, "It's a lot like America, but with Spanish instead of English."

Well, the teams finally arrived at the Gold House restaurant where they found this season's first Roadblock. Yay! And even better, it was an eating challenge! Bold move having one of these in the first episode, but since I'm partial to watching pretty people gagging to tears over local delicacies, I was quite fond of this Roadblock. Anyway, for this go-around, teams had to eat fish eyeballs, which they'd have to pluck out of the fish skulls with chopsticks. We then cut to Phil, happily sitting at a table of strangers, enjoying his very own bowl of fish eyeballs. Surely his dining companions were grateful for this experience. I could think of no greater honor than to have Phil Keoghan feasting away your table!

"Why, hello. Care to join me for a ravishing meal?"

This probably wasn't the grossest thing I'd ever seen, but it did make me cringe slightly to watch the teams pokin' their chopsticks in the fishy eye sockets. It was like a really lame version of Un Chien Andalou. I have a thing about eyeballs though: they gross me out, especially when they're impaled, removed, or sliced open. Don't even get me started on House recently.

Well, the teams all got to work with their fish eye banquet, and most of them had difficulty. Duke gagged so much I wondered if maybe he had discovered that the fish were all lesbians. At one point, he had hanging from his lips a string of saliva so long it looked like a bungee chord for insects.

Anyway, single-moms Lyn and Karlyn finished the Roadblock first and then headed off to the Forbidden City where they'd have to find the Meridian gate and subsequently a kiosk where they'd claim one of three departure times for the next morning. Ah, but that wasn't all. Phil revealed that the teams would also learn the first big surprise of the race. I couldn't imagine what it'd be, but I was excited! Who can deny a PhilSurprise™?

Meanwhile, the Miss Americas languished in the middle of Beijing after their cabbie dropped them off at the wrong location. They walked into some building that they assumed was the restaurant, but quickly learned that they were sadly mistaken. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty certain they may have wandered into a whorehouse. Or a tea house. Either/or.

Back at the restaurant, Mary faced her most challenging multi-cultural task: mastering the fine art of chopsticks. She sort of used them like two big knitting needles, which meant it was slow going for the eyeball consumption. I was fairly amused that using chopsticks was more daunting than eating fish eyeballs, but then again, I'm assuming that they don't eat fish eyeballs in backwoods Kentucky (I could very easily be wrong).

As for the Miss Americas, they were still roaming around Beijing, trying to find the damn restaurant. It looked like all hope was lost for them, but then after the commercial break, wouldn't you know it? Someone showed up and led them to the fine dining establishment. Of course, we had gotten so wrapped up in this beauty queen navigational crisis that we had forgotten that they were merely in the middle of the pack. Several duos still hadn't even arrived yet. All that worrying over nothing!

Over at the Forbidden City, Peter and Sarah arrived first and plucked off a 7 AM departure time from the kiosk. Other available times were 7:15 AM and 7:30 AM. And then there was one box that ominously said "Last Team." Something didn't seem right about that. Well, taking the remaining 7 AM departure times were Duke and Lauren, Lyn and Karlyn, and James and Tyler, who, by the way, happily exclaimed "Ninja land!" when they entered the Forbidden City, despite the fact that Ninjas are Japanese, and not, you know, CHINESE. Looks like these recovering models have been spending a bit too much time in IDIOT LAND.

Posted by B-side on September 18, 2006 10:19 PM