You know, it's been a while. Let's see what our generic couple, Robberly, is up to. Sure enough, they were bickering, just like all the wannabe actors that come on this show. Kimberly seemed to be haranguing Rob about his eyeball eating skills, and I was shocked that he didn't slam down his chopsticks and yell, "I AM HUMAN!!! YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME, BEAST WOMAN!" But sadly, he did nothing of the sort, and Kimberly continued to harp on him with dismissive frustration (btw, I may switch their name to Kimberob if Kimberly continues to be the dominant alpha-male of this relationship).

As for our lovable Indians, Vipal of the People was attempting to eat his way through the Roadblock, but it turned out that both he and his wife had weak stomaches. Arti was throwing up, and she wasn't even eating. Ah, but she did gag in the most affable way. ARTI CAN DO NO WRONG!

Meanwhile, the Kentucky Fried Team of David and Mary had somehow persevered over the great chopstick dilemma of 2006 and moved on towards the Forbidden City. Unfortunately, they somehow wound up on a dark stretch of the road near nothing at all. You know what they say about thirty-year-old babies on dark Chinese streets: never seen again.

Speaking of lost, Erwin and Godwin managed to pull a Miss America and wound up in the wrong part of town, but that was okay because Vipal was pretty much retching over his eyeballs still -- as were the Muslim friends, or as Arti pleasantly called them, "The Beards." In time, however, the Indians and the Muslims finished the Roadblocks, and they too were off to the Forbidden City, with Bilal and Sa'eed in eleventh place (everyone else had taken a departure time by that point, even David and Mary, who had successfully managed to reach the Forbidden City, despite being stranded on the side of the road).

Luckily for the Winners, they eventually found the restaurant and had no trouble whatsoever downing the eyeballs (after all they are from the motherland adjacent). Soon they too were zipping off to the Forbidden City, and even though we had no idea what fate was in store for the last team to reach route marker, the frantic editing made me feel like we were heading towards something climactic -- like an elimination. But surely The Amazing Race wouldn't pull a cheap trick like that, right? The idea crossed the minds of one of the teams, but even they couldn't fathom such a silly, malicious twist...

We then saw all the typical pre-Philimination editing tricks we've come to know and love: one team lost and asking for directions (Vipal and Arti), one team hopelessly lost and confused (Bilal and Sa'eed), and one team magically forging ahead from behind (Erwin and Godwin). So was this all massive misdirection? Kind of. Of the final three, Vipal and Arti arrived first, which meant it would come down to the Muslims and the Asians for that last departure time. And who managed to slip in at the last second? Erwin and Godwin! Yes, they managed to pull ahead when it mattered the most, which meant that Bilal and Sa'eed were stuck with the first big surprise of the game. And what, pray tell, did CBS have in store for their prized token Muslims? Let's just say, it wasn't good.

The camera panned over to a quiet corner of the Forbidden City where we saw the dreaded mat, quietly lying in wait like a vicious velociraptor stalking its prey. Suddenly, from out of the darkness came Phil, who had an unusually evil look about him this eve. His intentions seemed impure, and I feared for the Bilal and Sa'eed's safety.

If only there were a tumbleweed...

For a moment, I thought Phil might pull a sneaky move like taking the guys' possessions, but no, he had much darker plans. With no warning or explanation beyond a perfunctory "I told ya it would be surprising!", Phil summarily eliminated the best friends from the race. Everyone was shocked: the guys, the other teams, the viewers at home. What the hell, Phil? I'll go on the record and say that I do not like or approve of the premature Philimination. Look, I know the show is eager to earn back the audience that eroded away last year, but this is not the way! There are certain basic rules that should not be broken! And when we're dealing with the best cast in seasons, the producers should be doing their damnedest to keep these people around as long as possible! Boo!

But alas. There's no use crying over spilt milk (unless you're Godwin, who was tearing up at this development). The Muslim dudes put a quick perspective on their ordeal, saying, "Just goes to show you have no really control over anything. The Creator does." Was he referring to God or just the creator of The Amazing Race? Probably God.

Posted by B-side on September 18, 2006 10:19 PM