Meanwhile, on the open road, Duke and Lauren's cab managed to speed by Peter and Sarah's. This was such a joyous moment that Duke actually kissed his daughter on the cheek, despite his massive, massive shame for her. But when he realized that his lips had touched a lesbian, he then screamed bloody murder and wept quietly in the corner for five minutes.

Anyway, teams started to arrive at the Great Wall, and when Peter and Sarah showed up, they immediately made a beeline for the stairs, not realizing that they needed to climb a rope up. Oh, and did I mention they were trying to preserve hydraulic fluid? Yeah, not so smart. They eventually reached the top of a massive staircase where a person alerted them that they had gone the wrong way. Oops! Luckily, Sarah had the encouragement of Peter, who suddenly turned into a sassy black woman as he encouraged, "You do your thing, sister!" That's right, girlfriend! Two snaps to that!

While Peter and Sarah took the scenic tour of the wall, the druggie models showed up and promptly sped their way up the rope. The task wasn't so easy for Sarah, however, whose artificial leg wasn't the greatest accessory for wall climbing. Making matters worse was that she couldn't get any sort of footing. Well, no one could. The rope came with a series of loops attached to it, and racers had to step in the loops to gain leverage. Again, not easy with a fake leg. Sure enough, Sarah looked like she was absolutely miserable on the ropes, and as we went to commercial, I had doubts about whether or not she could even overcome this challenge.

Luckily, as is always the case, the commercial break always makes things better. Sarah finally figured out how to use the rope to her advantage, and with Peter's effeminate enthusiasm in her ear, she managed to finally make some headway. Up at the top of the wall, the models arrived on the mat first where Phil rewarded them with a prize: lots and lots of heroin. Oh, just kidding. They actually won $20,000 (with which they could buy lots and lots of heroin).

Meanwhile, Duke began climbing up the wall, and even though he was having a hard time, Lauren happily cheered you on, "I'm so proud of you!" she yelled to him, adding, "Unlike your lack of pride in my alternative lifestyle!" Okay, she didn't say that, but she did start to cry with pride, which made me realize that they're just a crying sort of family. I'd hate to see them after Life Is Beautiful.

Speaking of crying, Peter promised that he'd cry when Sarah makes it over the wall, but it turns out he was just a lachrymal tease. He shed not a tear when Sarah triumphantly reached the top, but I'm sure half of America was crying. It really was an amazing accomplishment, and although I can sense the producers are quietly setting these two up to be the villains of the season, I'll give credit where credit is due: that was some good one-legged climbin'!

Anyway, once Duke had reached the top of the wall, Lauren zipped up like a little monkey, and she and her father checked in second place. Third place went to Peter and Sarah, and down at the base of the wall, the single-moms were ready to attack the challenge. Unfortunately, the task was too daunting for whichever mom was up first (I don't remember if it was Karlyn or Lyn -- it was a Lyn/Lyn situation).

While the mothers struggled at the wall, the Miss Americas swiftly climbed up and over, checking in with Phil in fourth place. Meanwhile, teams at the bricklaying detour began moving forward towards the Pit Stop, and over at Leisure, both the Cheerleaders a and the gay guys successfully performed the relaxation exercise and could move on as well.

Back at the wall, the moms continued to struggle, with one of them asking, "How do you even get started?" Just put your feet in the damn loops! I couldn't even imagine what this woman would be like with a ladder. She'd probably spend a half an hour falling off the first rung.

Meanwhile, at the Labor challenge, Erwin and Goodwin were now moving forward, leaving behind Vipul and Arti, who had since returned from their scenic tour of Beijing. The lovable Indian-Americans (a.k.a. Team Karma) struggled with the brick pattern, and it became obvious they were in big trouble. It's never good to be the last one at the Detour...

But then again, maybe everything would be alright for Team Karma. After all, Karlyn and Lyn (who together become, er, Karlyn) were STILL at the first rung, and Tom wasn't much better. He was about midway up the wall, but his ankle had become twisted in the rope, rendering him useless beyond a series of foppish swoons. By this time, the Hillbillies had arrived, and David was slowly making his way up the wall. Ever the helpful presence, Mary yelled out sweet encouragement to David AND Tom. Another reason why I love her so. I'm sure she would have sent some encouragement towards the moms had they managed to get to the third rung (which they hadn't).

At long last, the struggling teams managed to get a grip of how to proceed (yes, even the single-moms). "You have to go straight!" Terry yelled to Tom, but if there was anything those yelps of agony told us, it was that going straight was not an option. Soon, everyone was at the wall: The Winners, Kimberob, the Cheerleaders. Yes, everyone was there... except Vipul and Arti. Unless there was some shocking turn of events, I couldn't see this ending well for them.

Posted by B-side on September 18, 2006 10:19 PM