Multiple personalities aside, Sybil Braxton begins his song, and is awful. His voice brings to mind what the lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Creed’s Scott Stapp might sound like. As you can imagine, he doesn’t take the rejection well. He is Fee-YUR-ious that they didn’t like his voice! How dare they! Don’t they know who he is?! In a post-rejection interview, he really lets the cannons loose, insulting Paula, Randy and Simon’s careers “I’m going to be doing it, and I’m going to be doing it, and I’m going to be doing it…” One can only hope that “doing it” refers to taking his own life, because, really, with all the problems in this world, do we REALLY need to hear about how the judges got it wrong for the next 60 or so years? I didn’t think so.

Next, an “America the Beautiful” montage, featuring some of the worst singers so far. Yet more proof that the American Idol producers do, in fact, hate America.

And then Regina Brooks arrives. And the angels adjust their stools and begin playing the most beautiful harp solo on your heart strings. Gling-glong-gling go the heart strings! Regina had to pawn her wedding rings in order to travel to the audition, and now her, her husband and their baby don’t have enough money to return home. Tsunami, Shmunami, does someone have some bank for Regina? Seriously, it’s awful. I’m sure the producers were salivating like wolves when they heard her story. This is almost as sad as the heart-breaking and much less popular Shtetl Idol.

Regina explains her sitch to the judges, and sings pleasantly enough. Simon doesn’t want to let her through due to her familial situation. Even the devil takes a break from counting Clay Aiken’s album profits to shoot him a dirty look. In the end, the other judges choose to let her go. And the tears, how they do flow.

Coming up next, Aven Moore, a tall, confident black man with a voluminous jheri-curled do and crisp blue eyes, which looked real to me. Aven Moore is what Will Ferrell would look like if he were black. The face and body are the SAME. Oh, and Aven was a crack-up! His eyes focusing on nothing in the distance, he belted out Annie’s “Tomorrow”… as in “Daaaaaaaaaay (BREATH) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (BREATH) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (BREATHE and repeat for 20 minutes).” It is a magical combination of tone deafness meeting jazz hands meeting dramatic headshaking. Come to think of it, this guy may be funnier than Will Ferrell.

Keeping with the SNL tradition, next up is a morbidly obese Jon Lovitz singing “I Feel Good”. One wonders how the man who brought us “High School High” and “Trapped in Paradise” has fallen so low and so hard.

By the by, Ryan Seacrest’s hair is not nearly as frosted as it used to be. Ryan Seacrest the man, however, is more muppity than ever.

Following a commercial and emergency bathroom break, hard rocker and “total f*cking sell-out” Constantine Maroulis shows up to impersonate an animatronic robot singing “Cryin’” at Chuck E. Cheese. He makes it to Hollywood, and like any metal guy in his situation, decides to leave the band. You can imagine later on, when Ryan Seacrest showed up at their rehearsal to break the news, they were none-too-pleased. Their drummer “Hamboussi” (catchy! Say it three times fast, and you won’t be able to stop!) throws the camera the finger and storms out, calling the show too “bubble gum.” Well if this is bubble gum, then I “chews” to watch this lil’ “bubble” of fun until my teeth fall out! Yay American Idol! Eff off “Hamboussi”! (No relation to “Garybouusi”.)

Amanda Hubert thought if she dressed like a post-menopausal WASP she’d be able to fool the judges into letting her through because of her… uniqueness… but they see through it. She then pulls the God card, something only a lover of Satan would ever think of doing on American Idol, telling the judged that God put her on this earth to sing. Apparently, God put her on this earth to cry and run off on camera, as that’s exactly what she did.

Sometimes this show brings someone out who you really pull for. Brian Bagley is one of those people. He’s a janitor and ballet student, two facts made abundantly clear as they capture him cleaning the toilets while doing some softshoe, and mopping up piss while pretending his broom is Ginger Rodgers. Something about Brian just screams “Whimsy!” Before he begins, he tells Paula that he “abso-tootly” adores her, a sure sign that I am about to get really depressed.

His song is “On the Sunny Side of the Street”, and while he’s not very good, he’s so sweet! Alas, sweetness doesn’t get your anywhere (unless you’re a donut, and then it’s straight to Ruben Studdard’s mouth -- Zing!) He then resorts to begging for change outside, all captured on film, and it occurs to me that this show has hit a new low.

Travis Tucker does the robot. Really well. Like an advanced, break-dancing robot. Hello Hardbody! He puts on a shirt, covering up those two machine guns he’s toting along (i.e. his arms), and actually has a nice voice! He makes it through, and I change my underwear.

Ian Holmes II (The II standing for “Crocheted Cap the Second” of the night), and sings Mariah Carey almost exactly like her. He barely makes it to Hollywood, and bounds outside with his yellow sheet, where he and his mother fall to the floor crying hysterically in joy. Through his sobs, he manages to cry out “You Can Do Anything!” Reading-Rainbow-style, and I picture what my office would look like with him clinging onto a tree branch with a caption reading “Hang in There!” Maybe if this whole Idol thing doesn’t work out, yes?

Posted by on January 19, 2005 4:33 PM