American Idol: Soaring Vocals, Gratuitous Cameltoes - 
by
Jason Smith only discovered he could sing “a couple of weeks ago”. He explains that the “5.9%” emblazoned on his headscarf refers to the fact that he used to be a drunk, but now that he’s found Jesus, it was his destiny to be on this show. He makes it especially hard for the judges to break the news to him that he is, in fact, a terrible singer. Jesus, if anything will drive him back to the hooch, it’s getting humiliated on national television. The judges realize this and let him down real easy. Something tells me if he was a fat white woman they wouldn’t have been so kind.
Extra extra! Did you know that Ben Stiller’s father is the Mayor of Hackensack? Oh, that’s not Ben Stiller? The kid from Rushmore then, surely. No? John… Zisa is his name? I…. I see. Well, this short Jewish celebrity doppelganger made it through to Hollywood by being one of the few white guys who wears good jeans and can almost follow a tune. Congrats Zooland – John. Congrats John.
Finally, we have the girl who the previews called the “next William Hung!” Her name is Mary Roach, and she describes her style as “Pop-Rock meets Broadway meets Cameltoe!” But for RE-al. Joe Camel just called, he wants his snout back. Seriously, one lip or two Mary!? This girl’s vagina is on PARADE! SADNESS.
You see, the thing about Mary Roach is, cameltoe aside, the girl is just mentally ill. And not in the way I usually mean it, I’m saying for serious, she should be in an institution. And for some reason, I don’t laugh when I see this, I just get really uncomfortable. Sometimes the outtakes just really depress me.
Mary tells Mark McGuire “that he is a hottie.” Now the girl is certifiable. She sings “I Feel the Earth Move”, and Randy looks at her with a face that tells me her C-Toe smelled worse than it looked. Ms. Roach spastically throws out her arms, and thrusts her pelvis out (vom), with a performance that reeks of Ukrainian Idol. She sounds like someone forced a deaf kid to sing at a beauty pageant. How do crazy people like this even survive in the world? Like, they can shop? And hold jobs? It’s completely beyond me.
She promised herself she wouldn’t cry. That becomes difficult when Simon explains she’s “the worst singer he’s ever heard.” Mary starts to break. Her “friends” have all told her she has an amazing singing voice. Her friends, dear readers, are almost definitely imaginary Teletubbies. Even pretend Smurfs wouldn’t hang with this girl.
Mary Roach leaves the audition crushed. The cameras follow her out, where she puts on a whole show, singing a song she probably wrote the lyrics to using pigs blood. Her face contorts on maniacal ways, and if I were the editors of this show, I’d sleep with one eye open. Cause Mary Roach will find you. And she will kill you.
Next, the show takes us to St. Looey, where hopefully the auditioners won’t be shit-eating insane. What am I saying – they all are!
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Comments
Holy shit. this was too funny.
I'd like to hear Joe Buck's views on Mary Roach's cameltoe.
And how about the saddest image EVER with the broken bottle at the janitor's feet?
Posted by: b-Side | January 19, 2005 4:51 PM(#1 of 24)
Oh. My. Gosh.
I am on my 11th hour of work today and this was the only thing funny enough to perk my spirits up to smile, nay, laugh hysterically behind my desk!
Im really mad I missed this.....does anyone think it will be re-aired?
Posted by: chettogirl | January 19, 2005 4:57 PM(#2 of 24)
loved the recap!!
"Joe Camel just called, he wants his snout back. Seriously, one lip or two Mary!? This girl’s vagina is on PARADE! SADNESS"
ROFLMAO!
Posted by: jaded | January 19, 2005 5:02 PM(#3 of 24)
Thanks all! I'm just so glad this show is back on. I had forgotten what it felt like to judge people. But I mean reeeeeally judge them. Self-esteem rising, riiiiising. Sigh of relief!
Posted by: Michelle | January 19, 2005 7:26 PM(#4 of 24)
Ahhh, man! It sounds like this was a really terrible time. I missed it! I have to...HAVE TO get TIVO! I really want to see Mary Roach. Well. only a few weeks until "worst of American Idol", which is the only one I watch every year anyway...
Posted by: J'Mza | January 20, 2005 4:19 AM(#5 of 24)
Now that's freaking hilarious.
Posted by: Christiane | January 20, 2005 5:38 AM(#6 of 24)
If you think this is bad, you should see Canadian Idol.
Great review as always, and I am calling my lawyer, cause I fell off my chair laughing and I hurt myself.... All your fault !!
Posted by: Marc Rice | January 20, 2005 7:22 AM(#7 of 24)
To. Damn. Funny.
Posted by: John | January 20, 2005 7:23 AM(#8 of 24)
Too damn funny. Two o's.
Posted by: joney | January 20, 2005 9:26 AM(#9 of 24)
Great recap. I noticed the cameltoe while watching the show. Being a chick myself, I found it disturbing. It was one of those situations where you don't want to stare at it, but you can't help yourself because it looked so gross. But I loved the end when the "psycho" music came on and she let the entire world know (through one final encore) that she was the one member of Heaven's Gate, that missed the comet.
Posted by: Nixah | January 20, 2005 9:33 AM(#10 of 24)
Recap-loved it!
Posted by: joslyn | January 20, 2005 9:45 AM(#11 of 24)
hey, that was fun :)
Posted by: nate koechley | January 20, 2005 12:00 PM(#12 of 24)
So I know this isnt an original thought, but that post was really well done.
Welcome to the Gasm Michelle.
MYL
Posted by: Madeyoulaugh | January 20, 2005 12:23 PM(#13 of 24)
Mark McGrath was semi-attractive until he became Dayna Devon's pet monkey on Extra. Seriously, this guy needs some career counselling - hassling celebrities for a paycheque is only acceptable if you have never been a celebrity... what am I saying, he's a season away from being on the Surreal Life. Heads up to Seacrest - McGrath is going to kill you and take over your life. He's got the highlights, he's got your old job on Extra, and now he's even cameoing on Idol. "Seacrest out" indeed...
Excellent recap Michelle and I love your blog - you are hilarious (please get back to recapping Desperate Housewives - how awesome is it when Gabrielle goes on about her runway days, yet she's a foot shorter than every other woman on the show).
Posted by: Rave | January 20, 2005 7:38 PM(#14 of 24)
Jesus, Rave, I forgot to mention his stint on Extra. Just when it couldn't get any worse than Pat O'Brien.
And thanks for all the...niceness everyone!
Posted by: Michelle | January 20, 2005 7:53 PM(#15 of 24)
"Oh lord. Heavy sigh. Why do heavy people put themselves in harm’s way"
Basically I started laughing out loud at this point and didn't stop until I finished reading the entire post.
Well I did keep it down at the Roach part, I don't want her sensing my glee with her supercameltoe powers and coming after me.
Posted by: Curlypacks | January 21, 2005 11:09 AM(#16 of 24)
Great re-cap!!!!
I mentioned that cameltoe on my blog as well, so bad. She was just completly insane, literaly.
And Simon is an ass as always & Paula just sits there and says nothing & lets him do the dirty work.
Btw, Mark McGrath has always been a no-talent loser. He's just milking his 30 minutes for all it's worth.
Posted by: Genevieve | January 24, 2005 1:08 PM(#17 of 24)
First of all...John Zisa is Catholic, not Jewish. Second he's a lot hotter than Ben Stiller and I'll thank you not to say another word about my best friend. Was that John's best performance yet? No, it wasn't but the guy's got an amazing voice which you will get to see in the furture, now that he won't be as nervous, which you would be too if you had the courage to audition knowing you were being video-taped!
Posted by: nightingalesong | January 25, 2005 4:40 PM(#18 of 24)
Whoa Whoa Whoa Nightingalesong (i.e. "John Zisa"). Take it easy! Speaking as a Jew, I find nothing wrong with the sexy semitic looks of both Stiller and Schwartzman. Catholic, Jewish, as long as there's been a proper bris, I'm happy.
Secondly, nervous or not, I wasn't that impressed with his voice. But I think you need to grow up, "bestie", cause if your predictions are indeed true, and he does make it big, you're gonna have to put up with a lot worse than hearing that he wears good jeans. Talk to me when your Daddy's a State Representative in, cough, Jersey.
Posted by: Michelle | January 25, 2005 5:44 PM(#19 of 24)
Just wanted to add my two sense regarding John Zisa. I also know John quite well and I know that if I told him about the Ben Stiller bit, he'd probably find it to be pretty funny. I actually think he had told me when he was teaching middle school, his kids used to call him zoolander. One of the nice things about John is that he really doesn't take himself too seriously and would be the first one to laugh at himself. And by the way, I talked to him about how nervous he looked on t.v., and his response to me was something like, "you ain't seen nervous yet" lol.
Posted by: freeforall | January 25, 2005 11:08 PM(#20 of 24)
hilarious writing... great recap.
Posted by: JJ | January 26, 2005 3:49 AM(#21 of 24)
To Michelle. First it's funny that you say Nightingalesong (i.e. "John Zisa"). Actually, no I'm not him, I'm a girl but thanks anyway. Ok so my daddy's not a state representitive, he's fire captain in "Cough, New Jesey" for yes, Hackensack, hometown of John. Actually, you're right about John wearing good jeans, he wears them well. And yes I know that if he makes it big people will have thier share of negative things to say...but if you'r gonna compare him to someone, compare him to a hot guy at least and not Ben Stiller. And don't refer to me as "bestie" like I'm not really his friend or something when I am.
Posted by: nightingalesong | January 26, 2005 6:29 AM(#22 of 24)
To Michelle. First it's funny that you say Nightingalesong (i.e. "John Zisa"). Actually, no I'm not him, I'm a girl but thanks anyway. Ok so my daddy's not a state representitive, he's fire captain in "Cough, New Jesey" for yes, Hackensack, hometown of John. Actually, you're right about John wearing good jeans, he wears them well. And yes I know that if he makes it big people will have thier share of negative things to say...but if you'r gonna compare him to someone, compare him to a hot guy at least and not Ben Stiller. And don't refer to me as "bestie" like I'm not really his friend or something when I am.
Posted by: nightingalesong | January 26, 2005 6:30 AM(#23 of 24)
Michelle, your information on Ian Holmes' audition is wrong. That was not his mother that was his sister. Secondly, he didn't say "you can do anything", his sister did.
Posted by: Kimberly | February 8, 2005 12:39 PM(#24 of 24)