First up, we have a “Triple Threat” in the form of the Maynard Triplets. Fresh from having their faces bronzed, they somehow manage to wear the most ill-fitting pink minidresses Sears has to offer. But no more being mean to the Maynard girls, because I happen to like them. They’ve chosen to harmonize “It’s Raining Men”, a song that really brings the gay man in me back to his bathhouse days. Believe it or not, these three ladies can lay the track down! If Bill Clinton was watching this, he was no doubt aroused, as there is something about these girls that brings to mind a genius idea for a musical called “Lewinsky!” Can you imagine the reviews? “Lewinsky! Sucks!”; “Lewinsky! Blows!”; “Lewinsky! Bones A Cigar!” On second thought, what about a show called “The Linda Tripp-lets”? Don’t get up, I’ll kill my own self, thanks.

Back to the Triplets. Simon, bastard that he is, tells them that they’re overweight. And here’s where I get angry. Because, yes, they may have biggish faces, and yes, they chose bad outfits, but these three girls are most definitely NOT fat. Let us not forget, America, that the winner last year, Ruben “Man Teet” Studdard, was a 400-pounder named after a corned-beef-and-cheese sandwich.

The judges dismiss two of the sisters and keep the one in the middle, who had the best voice of the three. Alas, they decide she’s not right for the competition, and send her on her way. Shame, really, cause I happened to like them.

Next up, it’s Katrina Rece, an actual overweight woman who starts off her audition by admitting to eating human flesh, which she says “tastes like bacon.” I’m sure the Hormel marketing people just loooooved that. Katrina begins her high-pitched rendition of “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” (sometimes, for fun, try gallivanting around your home in your finest gown singing “I Wanna Prance with Somebody.” Really, it’s fun.)

Now I don’t know if Katrina can sing, but damn can homegirl snap! Her snaps are crisp and evenly spaced. I found myself humming her snaps all day today. Her voice is high-pitched and mediocre. Simon passes, but offers to introduce her to the triplets because “she can eat them.” Hey Simon? Someone called “Double Chin Lift” is on line 3, and they say it’s an emergency. (whispering: I think he’s Chinese.) You better take the call, you two-faced bastard. Paula, always a lady, doesn’t laugh.

Next up, the camera follows Ryan Seacrest to a Cardinal’s game, where we see him throw out the first pitch. If muppets could throw, this would be how. Although, as my mother used to say, if my Grandmother had wheels, she’d be a bus. No idea how that relates, but just good advice in general.

In keeping with the baseball theme, the son of Cardinal Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith, appropriately named Osborne Smith, has decided to audition. Thankfully, he doesn’t completely suck. In fact, he’s adorable. I’ll even forgive him for telling the judges he’s “chillin’ like a villain.” Everyone knows it’s “chillin’ like Bob Dylan”, Ozzy.

Ah, but they must always follow a good with a bad. And Johnny Hayes brings the bad, and he brings it hard. Have you ever heard the phrase “having a tin ear”? This guy must have two cans of corn stuck in his waxy canals, because every single note is off. I’m half expecting puke or even an entire turd to pop out of his mouth at any given moment. Sadly, this does not happen.

People like Angel Higgs remind me that the age limit was raised to 28. She is a singing teacher, and is trying out for the show along with one of her students. She seems like a big ball of matronly fun, and is, to say the least, pumped. Her song is “Ain’t Nobody”, and she has a good enough voice, although I think the Triplets were better. (Note: I am still upset about the whole Triplets situation.) Angel is very vibrato-ey. It sounds like she’s singin’ on a Motel 6 bed after her lovah popped a 25 cent piece in the box that makes the bed shake. Simon doesn’t think she’s a star, and for once, he’s right. But she manages to squeeze herself through the Hollywood door before it slams in her face.

Jessica Pontius says she is a “singer” who has “the confidence” and “the look” to make it. Uh, last I checked, JP, the look wasn’t a mouth full of teeth meant for a 10 month old baby. Seriously, picture the face of a sweet 16 year old with the mouth of a hobo clown, and you can pretty much figure out what she looks like. She breaks new ground by singing “Over the Rainbow” and -- hold on -- Farinelli! Castrati! Her voice is so hiiiigh! Any dog within a 2 mile radius must have been losing its she-ite. The judges stifle laughter, and Paula tells her she should get into voiceover work. Somehow the judges, who make it clear that they’ve been sitting there ALL. DAY. lose their face off with laughter by explaining how hard it is “to get an agent who does rat voices!” Through their cackling, a dejected Jessica walks out and begins planning her public hanging.

Posted by on January 21, 2005 12:58 AM