Bright Lights, Sin City - 
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This week, American Idol wants to know if there’s a superstar in Vegas. One look at Ryan Seacrest, and the answer is no. (JK, Ryan! Call me!)
This week’s guest judge is Kenny Loggins, who Seacrest dubs the “Godfather of Soundtrack Anthems”, which his kind of like being dubbed the “Master of the Planet Hollywood Universe” or the “King of Members Only Jackets”, i.e. pretty lame. Loggins is most famous for the theme to “Footloose” – sung by one singer who literally kicks off his Sunday shoes -- although I much prefer the Top Gun anthem “Highway to the Danger Zone.” The show takes us on a journey through Loggins’ cover art, all ridiculously new age-y shlockfests that highlight the brown pubus growing out of his chin. The good news is Loggins appears to be in perfect, bloodless, animatronic health. His pubus is now a lovely grey.
Mikalah Gordon confuses me: it’s hard to tell if she’s a black girl tryin to be all white, or a white girl tryin to be all black. She looks like Raven Simone, but not as the adorable child on Cosby, more like the fugly, weirdly animalistic woman she grew up to be. She’s only 16 years old, but something tells me she’s a raging slut. Maybe it’s the Jersey makeup, or the wild, mussed up hair, but trust me – "That’s So Mikalah". She sings a song called “Lullaby in Birdland”, and has a nice voice, kind of Taylor Dane-y, as deep and rich as her fake tan. And a revelation! She’s white! Or, the way she puts it to Randy, “‘I might be white, but it’s just a birthmark.” This girl will do anything to get to Hollywood, including hit on/bone Randy, people. Luckily, she doesn’t need to, and makes it through anyway. She screams her head off outside the room, and dry humps her mother for 15 minutes. In the post-aud confessional, she lets her true, ambiguous color shine, by cockily telling America she plans on buying her Mom those implants she always wanted. A class act all the way.
Jeffrey Gray is Neil Diamond’s biggest fan. Another interesting fact is that his heart has been replaced with a pressure cooker, as his eyes nearly ‘splode out of his gigantic, tanned, bald noggin. He was deaf as a child, and the first thing he ever heard was a Neil Diamond song. But rather than take his own life, he chose to pursue an obsession with the Diamond-meister. And you know there is something similar about them! They’re both… bald. He enters the room, his eyes bugging out of his head. Simon admits he’s not optimistic. He sings “America” (great song, terrible rendition) like he’s hitting a bong in between each verse and doesn’t want to exhale the hydroponic goodness. It’s more of a slam poetry version really. Simon points out that when he sings he does a stabbing motion. Sleep with one eye open, Neil, you handsome thing you. It’s a no.
Does anyone else notice the gigantic flower hot-glued to the side of Paula’s head? Is it meant for decoration, or serving some higher purpose like keeping her brains in her skull, or receiving messages from the mothership?
Montage: A guy who does the same dance I did at my middle school cheerleading auditions (read: we both didn’t make it), a guy who sings while someone clearly tugs on his ballzack, a cross-eyed witch who sounds like Sarah McLaughlin at the Lilith Fair in Salem, Mass., a guy who’s pissing his pants, an Asian guy who does the Ashley Simpson jig, earning him points, a girl impersonating Spongebob with a vibrator up his ass singing Lady Marmalade (get on this, Christian Right!), and a lame Asian guy in a sleeveless shirt who just sucks.
Amanda Avila is your typical pretty girl in Vegas trying to make it. Make it, that is, as a singing and dancing pirate slut, which I’ve said for years now America is finally ready for. She’s a performer in “Treasure Island” on stage, but, apparently, pirate-whore’s are not singers, just slutty, plundering dancers, so poor Amanda wants to take her career a crotch further. Damn, can girl shake a tambourine or what!? She’s wearing a pink tanktop that says ME in huge letters (and, as we learn later, a necklace that says “Pick” in 8 font lettering, but clearly, we know who it’s all about, Amanda.)
When she enters the room, Simon leers at her, leaning back in his chair, licking his chops, his face completely flushed, his grin wide, and his man boobs perkier than ever. She’s a pretty girl and seems to be genuinely charming. Paula sits straight up in her chair and you know her antennas are like “Alert! Competition! Pirate whore! Mayday mayday! Singing pirate whore! Abort! Abort!” And you know and I know that it wouldn’t be the first time Paula aborts something… boo-ya unwanted fetus! Amanda sings “I Wanna Love you Forever”, and Simon comes in his pants. She’s pretty good, kind of off key, but let’s face it, the girl is hot and makes it through no problem. She could of stuck a kazoo in her ass and farted out the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere” and still gotten a yellow sheet.
Christopher Tamura wants to sing like Elvis, but he looks more like Sean Lennon. The good news is he’s more talented than Sean Lennon, which says nothing at all, a Sean Lennon is a zero talent. He’s completely average, not funny, just boring, and doesn’t make it through.
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