Uh oh!!! AIR RAID SIRENS! IT’S THE RETURN OF THE MOLFETTA TWIN! Notice I say twin and not twinS, as only one of them showed up. Clearly, the judges have NO idea which Molfetta twin this is, neither do I, and I could care less (p.s., it’s Rich.) He sings “I Who Have Nothing” (a Leiber and Stoller favorite), and he should change his name to Melisma Richards! Cause he looks like a woman and can’t sing for shit! Randy tells him he’s overconfident, Simon calls him corny, and he IS! Paula stops smelling her own crap for a second to say “I’m a woman, and you’re a man… and... and…” and she practically falls off a branch like the retarded ape that she is. But Kenny Loggins serves Gene Simmons a steaming pile of his own crap by sending him through. I am so not psyched that I have to look at that Molfetta-asshole's monkey-like botox-mug for another episode. He runs out of the room and dry humps a man he likely has suppressed sexual feelings for.

Emily Neves is every annoying bitch from your college drama department who thinks they’re the next big thing, when in reality they’re a tiny, anorexic biznatch you wanna smack down. I know this type TOO well, sadly. Small, perky, she thinks she’s ADORABLE! Eeee! A guy standing behind her on line creepily whispers “Kill the girl” into the camera, and who can blame him? Can you imagine having to camp out near this girl for 3 days! Emily BOUNDS into the audition room like a turd making flight out of Winona Ryder’s asshole. Kenny Loggins tells her she’s like Cindy Lauper, and she immediately breaks out into “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. And good. God. It’s seriously AWFUL. Screeching, out of tune, vibrating at speeds not heard by human ears, Simon says it sounded like “fingers going down a blackboard.” She sings another song that sounds vaguely familiar, but my ears struggle to fund a tune. And how this happened, I’ll never know, but she makes it through for “being really funny.” And I was like “?!?!?!?!” Paula says she “loves her”, and the girl nearly does a backflip like a retarded Chihuahua. She makes it through… and starts to weep.

And then the editors do the most HILARIOUS editing trick of all time! Ryan VO’s: “As Emily celebrates, Joseph Land looks on…” and the camera cuts to this 40-something tanned nightmare of a man channeling Barry Gibb, with feathered hair and moles a-plenty, who chuckles and takes a gulp out of the 120 oz. coffee thermos he’s holding. It is so hilarious, it’s hard to explain. It’s not even a thermos, it’s the actual dispensers they have at Au Bon Pan that this guy just took and ran. To go from that little pixie to this child molester was BRI-LI-ANT.

They show him powdering his baseball mitt of a mug in the men’s room, and Ryan says that “he’s only 28 years old.” When Simon finds out, he’s incredulous, and refuses to believe him, saying he looks way older. The guy is shocked “You’re saying I don’t look 28?” Then he starts pointing at Pubus-Mouth and is like “Kenny Loggins! ha HA, yeah! Kenny Loggins!” like they’re old friends from the country club -- “Kenny Loggins, you ol’ bastard!” The guy is shiny and tan and looks like a Plimptoon. The entire time he speaks Simon just squints at him and nods, cause he’s so smart and British and so completely on to him (like anyone with eyes and a half-functioning brain would be – no offense Paula). Joseph has waited his whole life for this moment. He sings a cutting-edge ditty by Gary Puckett (“Young Girl, Get Out of My Mind”… shudder), and he’s not even good. He finishes and Simon is like “For real, how the eff old are you”. Oh, and Joseph. He’s all “OK… You caught me! You are good! I’m an old 44!” He exits the room to go back home and continue screwing crack addicted whores in his desert trailer.

Dino Yazzie auditioned Season 2 and was bad. And I’ll make this quick cause I thought it was boring. His brother Desi Yazzie decides it’s his chance to be mocked. And when you’re named Desi, and your brother Dino, nad your last name is Yazzie (Yazz Hands!) I’m guessing the emotional armor is diamond-hard, so really, who cares? He butchers one of my favorite Throw-It-Down-Whitney love songs “I Have Nothing” (which, if you went to college with me, you DEF-initely heard me sing in the various dorms I lived in.) He’s awful, they say no, enough.

A bad singer montage showing the judges cracking up. One girl wears a nun's uniform, another guy does spoken word poetry of “Superfreak” while wearing blue rubber gloves. Bad Elvis singers. Kermit the Frog who was so excited, he couldn’t hide it, and forgot the words. A horribly acned boy who looks exactly like Randy, the puppet on “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse”, and sings a weird gospel opera. One guy sings “Thriller” with an awful lisp, and it makes you long for Michael Jackson. Pause for 30 minutes while I take a shower after writing those last four words.

Posted by on February 1, 2005 7:48 AM