Lil’ Miss Cameltoe II. She’s no Mary Roach, but she’s wearing pink pants, which helps us visualize. Simon sticks his herpes riddled tongue down Paula’s throat and manages somehow not to get electrocuted by her inner wiring. Sarah Woodall is wearing a pink cowboy hat, pink pleather glitter pants (I’ll get you Wet Seal! One day!) , and sings “Viva Las Vegas”. She’s not bad and not great, but in my opinion better than that crazy pixie freak they put through. In fact, it was listenable up until the last four or five notes. The camera does a slow pan up her body, so we can fully understand “The Toe.” Simon sums up tonight’s episode by calling it a “complete waste of time.” Ooh, but he winks at her. No, I forgot, I hate him!

Cocktail waitress Sharon Galvez looks like a whore, but Phew! She brought her son along with her! The girl is so petite it’s amazing she could fit anything through those miniature hips. Simon leers at her and sleazily says “God, you are a Vegas girl, aren’t you?” Remember many moons ago when I was in lurve with Simon Cowell. SO NOT ANYMORE. My love for him, like his hair, has worn thin.

Sharon sings “Saving All My Love For You.” She’s a little flat throughout (have I mentioned I have perfect pitch?) but has a strong voice for such a tiny girl. She does a lot of awkward hip movements and hand motions, but they don’t criticize her. Sharon puts on a good show, Randy adds his usual wisdom (honestly, if for whatever reason he ever has to renounce his well-worn throne, look no further than Corky from “Life Goes On” as a replacement judge.) She makes it through.

Some guy (named Matthew Falber) who would be kinda cute if he wasn’t a nerdy, theater-geeky tool sings “The Lion King” (oh, I just barfed a little.) He lamely sings “I Just Can’t Wait to be King”, doing different voices, none of them well. But (credit due) he’s different, that’s for sure, and the judges eat it up cause they’re so sick of living and breathing. I don’t buy into it. His voice is weak. They liked him, he’s feel good, but he’s not right for the show.

Bobie May is a psychic. She is also part of a long and esteemed bloodline of inbred manimals. She looks at least 40 (is Joseph Land still around? Matchmaker, Matchmaker!), wearing a purple velvet sparkle dress that really lowlights her figure. She predicts she will make it in the top 10. This is why I don’t go to psychics. I’d rather give my $5 to a puppy and singe my palms off with a blowtorch. We hear her warming up, and it’s like your gut knots up and you just know it’s gonna be awful. Not only does she look like she needs to be fed and bathed, she’s a large woman, and it doesn’t seems like she can walk or breathe easy either. She’s 22, Simon cannot believe it (neither can America). She predicts that she’s through, she’s “gonna go to Hollywood.” And I could throw in some kinda Barney on Ice joke, but why God? One thing, Bobie is confident! She sings like she has it all! The camera slowly pans up so we can soak in every last bit of her awfulness. She’s predictably the worst. Simon looks like he feels bad for her. Oh, and please thank the camera man who shot her with the lens aimed solely at her award-winning FUPA. I lost half my dinner tonight, good sir.

Another editor trick! Fatty transition! Only Jennifer Todd is dressed normally, and has a pretty good head on her shoulders. She knows her image is going to be an issue, but hopes her voice will sing for itself. She’s friendly, sweet, how can you not respect her? She’s full of sunshine. Good voice, very strong. Jennifer Todd sings Alicia Keys. The judges are very impressed and put her through, although Kenny uses my favorite term “image issue” (you know the code, folks), which is funny, because surveys show that elderly vag’s across America have an image issue with his goatee, so go figure. They compare her to Rueben, which is unfair, cause this girl can actually sing, not just wheeze and sweat. Good going, JT! Hope to see more of her in the next few rounds.

What! AC Slater from Saved By The Bell is auditioning! Mario Vazquez sings “Whatever Happens”, a song I’ve never heard before but I enjoy. He has a great voice, and is cute. Or is that Wilmer Valderamma? Yes, that must be it. The judges look soooo tired. Paula, monotonously: “Wow.” Simon says one of the best in the competition. Welcome to Hollywood. Mario’s great, not too cocky, a nice end to an overall unexciting episode.

Next week they’re in Cleveland, Ohio, oooh, and LL Cool J is hosting! You know what they say: Ladies Love Cool J. So true. For now, this is ML Neurotic M (my new stage name) signing off.

Posted by on February 1, 2005 7:48 AM