Breaking News Heartstopper: Constantine Not So Bad - 
by
I think that time we were waiting for has finally arrived. You knew it would. Since the beginning of the season, you’ve sat patiently for the event, and now it’s here. I refer, of course, to the complete and utter loss of Randy Jackson’s sanity. Indeed, having a stomach the size of an egg and looking like a large black lesbian has finally affected Randy’s judging ability. More on that later.
Last night also debuted the beginning of the “actual” American Idol contest, where the 12 finalists compete against one another, this time in front of the biggest studio audience yet. There were some surprises, many misfires, but overall it made for an entertaining show. The show, of course, began with the still likable Seacrest giving a “Vazquez disclaimer”, and explaining that Niko will be taking Mario’s place. Tonight’s songs were all to be from that far-off decade “The 60’s”. The performances, please:
Jessica: Sang “Shop Around”, which is the very same lesson my Jewish mother taught me before ever paying retail. Jess wasn’t bad tonight, but wasn’t great either. And I hate to beat a dead horse with an ugly stick, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to watch this girl sing. Those circling cameras can only do so much to camouflage her appearance, which just screams “I Live Under a Bridge!”
Anwar: Sang Tamyra’s trademarked “A House is Not a Home”, which is a difficult song in that it is impossible to hum along to. One of my favorite things about Idol is that in the commercial breaks, I sing the songs myself to prove to me and my neighbors that I am at least as good as the top 12 finalists. In this case, I had to resort to singing my favorite commercial jingle (“The sun comes up! The day arrives! Another day to be aliii-iiive!”) I was into his Lawrence Fishburne ensemble, and hey, I love Anwar. Even when he’s bad, he’s still so so good.
Mikalah: Is it legal for 16 year olds to have breast implants? What about 16 year old lionesses? That’s like, what… 112 in people years? Mikalah decides to lure the “Son of a Preacher Man” into the death-grip of her mighty jaws in this poorly sung number. And what about those dance moves? I couldn’t tell if she was breaking a move, or groundhogging a turd. There was so much squatting-hand-on-hip action I wasn’t sure if I was watching Idol or “The Nanny Sweats to the Borscht Belt Oldies.” Simon told her that her “confidence outweighed her talent.” She still manages to insert a couple of snorts/growls before exiting the stage.
Constantine: Excuse me for a minute… something funny is going on… (shifting in chair)… oh GOD. I ENJOYED CONSTANTINE. (hysterical coughing fit, coughing up blood, eyes watering, drinking some water.) He sang “You Make Me So Very Happy”. And he just… sang it. Pretty well. I thought I was falling in love for a moment, but then Seacrest came over, he made a ratface, and reality tv became just that… a reality again. And you know! I never noticed how tall he is! (pause) Here’s hoping he sucks again next week.
Lindsey: Poor Lindsey. Listen, honey. I have a deep voice too. If you’re going to go on Idol, you have to promise us and yourself that you’re going to stick to tunes sung by black men. Trust me -- it is a Siren song of sorts. Lindsey, not following my invaluable advice, sang “Knock on Wood”, which she better be doing all day today to ensure not getting voted off. Cause it just wasn’t good. A woman in my office, let’s call her the Grim Reaper, told me this morning that Lindsey has a telemarketing company calling in thousands of votes for her. I was under the impression that that was illegal. Then again, considering that my source is a single, toothless woman who eats Virginia Slims for lunch, maybe this isn’t true.
Anthony: “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” Do you think he sang this to his trachea before they removed it? That would certainly add to the emotional aspect of this semi-dead rendering, and definitely guarantee my one-way ticket to a hellish afterlife. But believe it or not, I’m starting to like Anthony more and more. And while tonight’s song wasn’t his best, he finally proved to me that he CAN sing better than Jon Secada, which is saying a lot. Randy J. jumped down his throat, and I thought the severity of his critique was uncalled for. Paula followed up Randy’s sentiment by gurgling, thinking about fire, scratching something on a pad, curling up in a drawer, and falling asleep.
Nadia: “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” But I do love you, Nadia! And that dress -- stunning. Not the best voice in the competition, but by far the most engaging and polished performer.
Bo Bice: “Spinning Wheel” I love the Bice, but wish he would put down the mike stand for just. one. second! Bice hopped off the stage to circle the audience like a real pro. He’s such a little showman, that Bice is! Great performance, but I wonder how far he’ll be able to go in a competition based on appealing to 15 year old girls. p.s. If you want to hear a great version of the song, download Shirley Bassey’s “Spinning Wheel”, alongside everything else she ever sang.
| 1 | 2 Next Page... ( Comments ) | Discuss In Our Forums