Sleeping the Dream Alive - 
by
It’s here: The television event you’ve all been waiting for (for the 5th time now). The American Idol finale. Millions auditioned. But only two mediocre talents can be in the final. The drama of it all is not lost on Ryan Seacrest, who begins the show with a spotlight shining solely on him, bronzed like a baby shoe, just as small, and in similar unused condition (babies can’t walk.) This, according to Mr. See-and-be-Seacrest, will be the most “important night of [the finalist’s] lives.” Seems like you’re setting the “life bar” a little low there, huh Ryan?
The audience breaks out into wild applause, the familiar synthetic guitar is digitally strummed, and we breathe a sigh of relief. After 3,457 weeks of AI5, we’ve made it people! Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood will be battling it out for America’s votes, which will be determined by Simon’s erectoral college, and in 24 hours, we have our Idol.
As the numerous headlines across the country have already alerted you, tonight’s competition is ‘tween a rocker and a swooner, two words which remind me of my grandmother after she had her stroke. (Always swooning and rocking, she was.) Each contestant will sing 2 “original” songs (original being a loose term as each song is an amalgamation of VH1-circa-1994 trash), and 1 song from the previous weeks.
We flashback to last week’s coin toss, where ol’ slippery fingers (as Simon affectionately calls him) Ryan “tosses the coin” (please, stop me) in the air, only to miss catching it on the way down. Thankfully, AI set designers have a subway grate thoughtfully placed on the stage, where production assistants have no doubt been videotaping the female contestants from their copyrighted “Vag Cam.” The coin falls straight through, and what at first you think is some lame gimmick turns out to be just a lame error on Seacrest’s part. It’s a shame too: The coin they were using looked quite valuable, as it was a quarter with Bo and Carrie’s faces lazily glue sticked on either side. What, the Franklin Mint didn’t return your call guys??
Carrie wins the toss, and chooses to go second, which means that Bo will be starting us off tonight singing the original song “The Long Long Road.” He walks on the stage looking like the ghost of Mitch Hedberg (RIP). Tiny brown glasses that make his face all the more baby-blood-hungry. A linen tunic that cries out to be bathed. Flared jeans that need to personification, as they’re f--king flared jeans. I wish Bo would pull a K-Federline and clean his act up. No amount of body hair/odor can deny the man of his looks and charm. But, and I don’t know how to put this lightly, dress faggier! Women love guys who dress like fags.
Dear Lord. The Long Long Road is simply a nightmare, and something tells me Bo Knows Recycled Feces when he sings it. Mike stand being dipped like Ginger Rogers, Bo shakes his head so violently to produce a vibrato song that for a moment I confuse him for an autistic kid on Extreme Home Makeover. He strains himself so hard when he sings, that his neck looked straight up like a penis. Penisneck. Before you say anything, my roommate agreed with me wholeheartedly that his neck looked like a dick, and the chest-hair tuft giving us a “How’s Your Mother?” from his shirt didn’t help the image.
The judges pretty much gave him positive feedback. Randy criticized the quality of the song, but, hello, Bo obviously didn’t write it! What a stupid thing to say to him. Now, obviously we here at TVGasm realize that this is not a Bo original hit, but who knows what lesser life forms think when they hear that? Paula congratulates him: “I told you I’d see you in the finals!”, something no doubt said to him over candlelit dinner in Paula’s boudoir. As Bo leaves the stage, I fear I’ve caught a disease: For all of his faults, his smile is simply infectious. Penisneck.
And poor Carrie. She gets stuck with a song called “Inside Your Heaven”, and is so horribly off-key I wondered if she had learned it that very morning. The quality of her voice was still pretty OK, but out of the 20 or so notes she had to miss, she probably his 4 of them. She’s so bad, in fact, that in the middle of the ballad when the gospel singers were coming on stage, I seriously thought it was a producer coming out to remove her! Randy throws her this unusual curveball by telling her she was “pitchy.” I am sick of him using this term. Every time he says it, I picture his body turning red and him breaking through a brick wall, like only a pitcher of Kool-Aid could. And while I’ve had my conspiracies that the judges have been against Carrie (esp. against Bo), for some reason Simon tells her that Round 1 went to her. Meh, who knows?
For his next song, Bo sings “Vehicle.” Again, pretty typical performance, not bad at all, just not splodingly amazing. He certainly was working his body around the stage, circling like half-vulture, half-Timothy Leary. And while I must point out that the denim tunic he was wearing was straight off of QVC (denim tunic?!?!?!), I have to say, once he got his penisneck thing going, I got pretty into it. I was a little sorry he chose this song instead of “Spinning Wheel” (although no one will ever sing it better than Shirley Bassey).
One other item of mention is that Bo’s grandmother looks like a white Ray Charles. Simon says to Bo “Welcome back.”
You know what movie looks kind of funny? Madagascar. Anyone with me on this? I mean I don’t have children (yet, spit three times), and I loathe Disney fare, but I could almost see myself liking this.
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