Up next was a ballsy girl named Katrina who decided to wow the judges with "The Humpty Dance." It probably wouldn't have been my first choice, especially since the only musicality comes in the oh-so-tricky lines of "The Humpty Dance/is your chance/to find the hump" and, of course, "Oooh, do me, baby." Nevertheless, Katrina attempted her own rendition of the song, which was thankfully cut short by the judges who wanted something more, you know, melodic. Unfortunately, Katrina had no backup song and was unceremoniously booted from the room. C'mon, sing the national anthem or "Happy Birthday" or one of the Pussycat Dolls songs.

Next up was Justin Stitch, a doughy boy with blush-friendly cheeks. He entered the audition brimming with confidence as he told us, "What sets me apart is my unique voice. I have quite a range. I can do anything from Elvis to Queen." Translation: "I AM TERRIBLE." With all signs pointing to disaster, Justin hopped up in front of the judges and proudly announced that he'd be singing -- sigh -- Meatloaf. Just pack your bags now, Justin. Anyway, Justin let out a huffy, urgent version of "I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That" and was quickly silenced by Simon. He then tried to sing a little "Beyond the Sea," but the blank stares from all the judges made him realize that they would do anything for music, but they won't do that. Without hearing their response, the red-faced boy walked out meekly, forever an anecdote in Idol history.

Following Justin were the first twins of the new season. Meet the Brittenum brothers: two pudgy black guys who rock a mean ascot. They insisted that they'd outclass any other twin set (like the Mulfetta brothers from last season -- and yes, that was a little barf in my mouth), and on top of that, they were prepared to compete against each other, sort of like a musical version of Venus and Serena. Anyway, before we got to see how they'd perform, we then cut to commercial, and when we returned, it was time to gawk at dumb people. "Five hours in the rain and three nights in a car," moaned one reject (hey, don't look for pity here. Some of us work for a living).

We then saw a parade of disgruntled auditioners cursing the judges, which always makes for amusing TV, if only to see that cute little American Idol badge cover their mouths. And then some douchebag in a Goldilocks outfit emerged from the auditions, bemoaning his failed attempts at stardom. Oh, those costumes are always so HILARious.

Anyway, it was time for those twins to perform, and oh god, their names are Terrell and Derrell. But that's okay (all right, it's not). They sang well, even throwing in some harmonies to make Paula's heart go pitter-pat (that may be the formaldehyde though). With the judges clapping along and smiling, these guys were Hollywood bound (assuming it doesn't conflict with any Ascot and Cravat conventions).

"Hahahahaha. We're in jail."

Meanwhile, while the judges waited for their next victim, Paula and Randy questioned Simon about his cantankerous mood. "You're naughty because you are getting extra grinch," Paula said in her usual broken English.

"You're so crusty today. What's going on?" Randy echoed. Um, have they ever heard Simon Cowell? Why is this a surprise?

Luckily, someone did love Simon, and it was the next girl to audition. Her name was Gina Glocksen, and she was a dental assistant by day, rocker by night. When she wasn't professing her love for Simon, Gina fronted a grrrrrrl band called, predictably, Cat Fight. Surely she would be blowing our minds with some classic Hole or L7 or at least some Lita Ford. So what, pray tell, did Gina regale us with? Oh, you know, a little "Power of Love" by Celine Dion. And just when you thought her Cat Fight cohorts couldn't be disgraced any further, Gina then modified the lyrics to "'Cause I'm your lady/and Simon's my man," causing Paula -- and America -- to recoil with disgust. Nevertheless, the fine mixture of melisma and ass-kissing worked, and Gina found herself with a yellow slip of paper, headed to the next round.

We then headed into another lovely montage of terrible singers, capped off by Gina Noriega who for the life of her couldn't get through her already abysmal version of "Blue Moon." It was bad enough that she had managed to reduce the song to one flat note, but after getting about three words in, she would suddenly gasp, maybe pat her chest, and start all over again. This meant listening to the atonal bleat of "Bluuuue mooooon" over and over again until finally Simon put her out of her misery by stating, "Appalling." With tears in her eyes and a lifetime of therapy ahead of her, Gina scuttled off the stage... and into our hearts. Okay, not really. But can't I introduce a little pathos here?

Up next was the polar opposite of Gina. Her name was Mandisa, and we knew she would be awesome because a) she was enormous (the Frenchie factor), b) she wore a knit poncho, and c) well, she was enormous. Sure enough, Mandisa was great, even if she did go down the well-worn Alicia Keys path, and unsurprisingly she passed to the next round.

Posted by B-side on January 19, 2006 6:40 AM