After the commercial break, a small, pocket-sized singer named Kevin Brenneman took to the stage. A cross between Stephen Colbert and a Tamagotchi, we knew we'd be in trouble once we heard his nasally speaking voice, but something deep down inside of me secretly wished that this unlikely pip-squeak would be the next great American singer. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. Kevin was surprisingly blustery and soulful, but tragically flat and awful. "You remind me of a wasp," Simon said, "because he's like a little, buzzy, energetic thing." You know, I often find Simon's analogies a bit forced, but he pretty much was right on the mark with this one.

Move over, Usher.

Next up was Charles Barry, an effeminate guy with giant cuffs and a balled up ponytail of delusion. This was like his third time auditioning, and after having received "advice" from the judges the previous two times, he now was improved and ready to take the country by storm... at least, according to him. The good news was that Paula liked his new look. The bad news was that he was abhorrent, especially since he sang an original tune with a refrain of "The American Idol / just what I want to be!"

"It doesn't get any worse than that, Charles," Simon said, quickly squashing any hopes and dreams this guy may have ever had. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry. That didn't happen until Simon said, "You know what my advice to you would be? Honestly, shave off the beard and wear a dress... because he'd be a great female impersonator."

"You're an ass," Paula muttered as Charles slunk his way out the door, eventually fleeing from all onlookers, even a curious Ryan Seacrest. Later, on the street, Charles called someone on his cell and relayed the whole story, saying, "I can't go back in there. I can't." Um, I don't think they want you to.

Up next was a tinderbox of excitement named Amanda. With the sort of bubbly energy that makes you wish you could punch her right through the TV, Amanda hopped on stage and told us all sorts of interesting things. You know, like how she sells furniture and shows cattle. Fascinating. Actually, this caused Paula to do her seal clap, and I'm not even kidding. Look, the woman loves cattle. Anyway, Amanda began singing and seemed to be okay at first, but one ear-shatteringly bad note knocked her right out of contention, and she was sent home to play with the cows and divans. Before she left, Randy suggested that Amanda name a cow after Simon, to which Paula added, "And call it Mad Cowell." Rimshot!

Hey, does anyone remember that episode of Reno 911! where Jim Dangle tries out for American Idol? Well, life imitated art as one wide-assed deputy sheriff from West Virginia bravely performed for the judges. The song? "I Shot The Sheriff." Nudge nudge, wink wink. Unfortunately, this cop only knew the chorus, and so he sang it over and over and over... and over again. And sadly, he didn't hit one note. Instead, his voice soared to atonal heights, only to flitter down into a shaky falsetto. Kind of made me pine for the smooth vocal stylings of Gina Noriega.

After the commercial break and a little update from our friend Derek (who was still practicing for his second chance audition), a 17 year old named Christine Davis waltzed in the room wearing a... wedding dress? No, it was actually her prom dress, which still didn't make much sense either. Anyway, Christine became the beacon of originality by singing "My Heart Will Go On," and while she wasn't terrible, she wasn't great either. Paula said her voice was inexperienced while Simon was a little more direct: "I hated the audition, everything about it. I hate the dress. I thought it was a very, very mediocre version." Surprisingly, the girl took the criticism well, responding with terse "Thank you's" and walking out with her head held high. Stupid bitch. That's not good TV!

Next was an idiot named Blake who entered the room dressed as the Statue of Liberty, torch and all. You see, he was from New York. Get it? Well, Blake belted out two bars of "New York, New York," at which point Simon simply put up his hand and said, "Thank you. Out you go." Huh? That's it? Surely a man dressed as Lady Liberty has plenty of musical treasures to share with America! Alas, the incredulously stunned Blake sauntered out of the room, perhaps kicking himself for not dressing like Niagara Falls. To be fair, from the three notes we heard him hit, he didn't sound all that bad. Probably no worse than the Goldilocks dude, who we later saw got to sing several notes from "Lady Marmalade."

Anyway, it was time for Derek to give another stab at the audition process, and on the plus side, his sweat stains seemed to have shrunken to a merely gigantic size (down from colossal). Still, that couldn't detract from Derek's creepy, bizarre song about a woman named Susan in a bathroom stall, Wendy eating a cake, and Constance on the bathroom wall. Needless to say, Derek's Hollywood dreams came to a quick, needed end. Now, somebody get him a towel.

"Maybe I'm not the music type I thought I was," Derek told us in a confessional. "Yeah, I can sing, and uh, y'all forgive me. I feel like crying right now." Aww. So sad. Now please go away.

Posted by B-side on January 19, 2006 6:40 AM