Up next was Erik, a.k.a. one of my favorites of the entire night. "I'm from a very, very, very, very small town," he said, revealing his effeminate voice, which was an odd blend of classic castrati and Tom Hulce from Amadeus. Anyway, Erik announced he'd be singing a Daniel Beddingfield tune, and outside, his proud momma told Ryan that she couldn't even bare to listen to the audition through the door because otherwise she'd cry. And I had a feeling we'd be crying too; although, not for the same reasons.

Move over, Xtina.

Yes, Erik was astoundingly flat, and not even his soprano voice could hide that. "It's the nerves!" he laughed, but Simon had another explanation: "You sing like an Auntie... you know when you were growing up, and your auntie used to sing after lunch, badly?" Uh, I have no idea what you're talking about. But I'm more than fascinated.

Anyway, Erik was quickly rejected, but his grandmother was not going to stand for it. Simon headed out of the audition room for a break shortly after, and granny had a few choice words to say. "Why are you so rude?" she asked.

"All I said was he sounded like an auntie," Simon said in his defense. "I don't think that was being rude." Yeah, just more foppishly British. No biggie.

After the break, we met two sisters who were just the epitome of wholesomeness. How did I know? Well, we saw them running carefree through the world's largest corn maze -- which was designed as a tribute to the 1985 Chicago Bears, no less. Yes, these girls were all apple pie and football labyrinths, but would their down-home charm win over the judges? Kind of. Randy said yes to both sisters, but Simon said no, leaving it all on the unstable shoulders of Paula Abdul. Never one to crush anyone's dreams, Paula eventually said yes, allowing the sisters to go to Hollywood.

Next was a woman named Yvette Gomez whose sensible blazer threatened to shroud a singing sensation the likes of which we've never seen. "I've been singing all my life," she alerted us, surely in anticipation of a wondrous performance. Well, turns out Yvette wasn't lying. She has been singing all her life -- singing terribly. In yet another take on ol' Alicia Keys, Yvette managed to be both sharp and flat and annoying all over. With my stemware now cracked and destroyed, I was happy to see Yvette, as sweet as she seemed, shuttled off into reality oblivion.

Zachary Smitts was the next brave soul to enter the audition room, and man was he excited. Okay, he wasn't crazy excited (that was at the end of the show). No, he was more generally stoked to be able to sing "I'm in the mood for love" to Paula. "It's gonna be awesome to be able to sing to her," he said. You know, it might be just as effective to serenade the sea lions at your local aquarium.

Anyway, with his milquetoast charm and somewhat melodic voice, Zachary snagged a spot in Hollywood, which was more than the next girl could boast of. Her name was Jessica, and she managed to sing a song that had something to do with great big cocks and great... something. I couldn't tell. Half her chorus was bleeped out. Listen, bitch, this is a family show. We have higher standards! (This just in: wonder-twins Derrell and Terrell have been arrested for fraud. Just another Idol high point!) Nevertheless, Jessica was cut, thus prompting a profanity-laden rant, culminating in "When I'm famous, you're gonna be sorry that you didn't keep me on your precious competition." And that girl grew up to be Rene Zelleweger.

Okay, I don't know what that meant, but it sounded funny so I kept it. Anyway, Jessica wasn't the only furious reject. Some bovine sista could not believe that the judges had spurned her melodic advances. Furthermore, when another singer emerged from the room triumphantly, the disgraced chanteuse redirected her own disappointment into catty jealousy, saying that she DEFINITELY sang better than Miss Yellow Slip. "I actually heard her sing, and I don't think she was that good!" the jealous one claimed, with her equally classless mother laughing alongside.

Bitchy McFatThighs then went from gloating to challenging as she asked her competitor, "What did you do?" Well, she sang Beyonce's classic tune, "Work It Out," and yes, SHE WORKED IT OUT! (snap) And yes, that snap was a direct quote.

"I'm not trying to hate on you. You probably have a nice voice, an okay voice, whatever, but you know what I'm saying? I'm just being truthful," the spiteful girl then said, later noting, "I really do feel I am better than Carrie Underwood." Oh, shut up already and go back to the JC Penney you wandered out of.

Move over, Mo'Nique.

Well, the girl then sang to prove that she was indeed worthy of selection (which she was not), and then her rival merely shook her head, raised up her yellow slip, and said, "The proof is in the paper. Bye bye." S-s-s-s-snap!!

Up next was a guy named David, who as far as I can tell, has spent the latter part of his youth sitting in cars and singing old standards with his moptop friends. But then again, who hasn't? Anyway, David was from the John Stevens mold of youthful teens with strange, anachronistic tastes. That carrot-topped season three jerk really opened the door for a lot of suck. Anyway, before starting his audition, David sidled up to Seacrest and announced, "If I don't make this, I'm gonna try for the American Seacrest competition." A competition which will be held exclusively in Ryan's hotel suite, bathrobes encouraged. I shouldn't tease, though. I once tried out for the American Bob Eubanks competition. I came in third place.

Posted by B-side on January 19, 2006 6:40 AM