"one dude going so far as to say that he wanted to touch people with his voice. Whatever. Get a blog."

Advice from the master!

They really ARE in jail!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/19/idol.twins.ap/index.html

Great ReCap! Did anyone else catch that Derek's song about Susan, Wendy and Constance that he sang on his second attempt was actually from the Eddie Murphy/Dan Akroid movie Trading Places? It's the song that the snobs sing at the country club. God I am a complete loser for knowing that!

Great recap! Great season premiere. I am really excited for the season and for B-Side's commentary.

Anyone else notice that Slutticus (Crystal)appeared later in the show in a different outfit? There were a couple of other people where the samw thing happened. What's the deal with that? Thought these people only got one shot.

Constance Fry....Constance Fry....anytime my friend....

I was enjoying the booby shirt under Yvette Gomez's sensible blazer, and how as she dance-bounced to her own song in her head during warm-up, her boob-shelf bounced and the blazer remained static. The sash just moved up and down around her waistline while nothing else moved.

Fun with boobies!

-cobra kai
I noticed that too, Crystal wasn't wearing the pink top but still had the pink cell phone in her pocket and same nuclear orange skin.

I never watch the season, I just watch the auditions and damn Fox caught on so they are airing like 6 episodes of auditions!! I didn't think I'd have to make such a commitment. I enjoyed the last 2 episodes though. Oh and great recap, that Fraggle Rock Brothel line about Crystal's mom... classic!!

I actually live in the Chicago area, and on the early-morning news today they had an interview with the hobagity fake-tan girl and her mom. Apparently, the girl has stopped going to school because she's getting teased so much. Ha.

GREAT recap--keep it up! I have a class on American Idol nights, so I'll be counting on you!

Hats off to you B-Side!! Genius as always! I will look forward to your re-caps weekly. Much better than watching the show!

B-Side, I believe Derek used a dollar bill to dab his forehead. Probably showing off his pimp status - holla.

#3: Littledarling, you are far from being a loser... Thank you for knowing where that song came from. It was driving me crazy. I knew it was from a movie, but I couldn't remember what movie...And you could do a lot worse than remembering a Trading Places scene..Trust me...

B-Side, Another GREAT recap!
"A cross between Stephen Colbert and a Tamagotchi"

Nice one..I damn near choked on my lunch after reading that.....

Thanks for the awesome laughs, especially about Crystal Fake Tan and her mother. I have a feeling the "Lady Marmalade" montage at the end was pieced together from the contestants' auditions for the producers - Yvette "I've been singing all my life" Gomez also showed up. Anyone with the energy to watch it again could probably spot other repeat contestants.

So much funniness. I want to know when we are going to get our first American Idol suicide. Simon seems to be the meanest to those who are most delusional and already teetering on the brink. I'm concerned, but WTF? I love singing, I pretend I'm Aretha Franklin, but I know I suck. I'm also calling for a moritorium on that unacceptable thing people do at the end of a lyric like a skipping record. It is always accompanied by a queer hand motion that waves in time to the skip,and incidentally, my dry heaves. What is this called? Can it be stopped?
Paula was making some god awful faces both nights. They were like TVgasm's most unflattering screencaps, but they were in real time. I realized she looks a lot like Francine from "Arthur" http://www.shesh.co.il/programmes/artur/gallery/images/francine.jpg One more thing. The hooker mom. She looks just like a Skeksy from the Dark Crystal.
Also, thank god littledarling remembered that bit from Trading Places. It was driving me nuts and is stuck in my head to this hour. (littledarling, remember the salmon fillet in the dirty Santa beard? Too nasty.)

B-Side-
Thank you so much for recapping Idol. I, am so glad it's back. (Although my husband could certainly do without it). I was hoping for a screencap of Paula gazing at that 17 year old boy, Zachary Smitts. Oh she wanted him, bad! She needs to learn how to conceal her feelings better and tread very lightly or she is going to find herself in another pot of boiling water. My personal favorite so far- definitely Crystal the orangey white trash ghetto trailor park tramp. What a dingbat. Most talented? Who knows, they seem to have some good contestants. I particularly liked the twins in the beginning (Terell and Derell- why do people name twins with rhymes?) Thier harmonies were beautiful. But I don't think they make it as they seem to have landed themselves in jail. Boneheads.

Constance will fulfill your needs; winter, spring or fall......

YES trading places! Awesome movie! I was flipping during Idol, and I missed this particular audition, but I knew right away when B-Side wrote it.....hahahahaahahaha.

One of the guys from AI was on the radio yesterday and says the reason some of the people are shown in different clothes are because, during the two day auditions, (which is actually 3) some people are taped on day 1 before they meet the judges later. Which happens sometimes on the 2nd day. Hence the different clothes.

Shame on Simon for telling that poor guy to shave off his facial hair and dress like a woman. The guy was genuinely hurt and I felt bad for him.

that kevin brenneman looks like a pop-loving harry potter. in a rainbow shirt. just thought i'd point that out.

even daniel radcliffe, the self-proclaimed punk master, could sing better than him. teenage hormones, embarrassingly breaking voices and all.

and man am i glad someone else caught yvette's booby shirt. that was hilarious.

B-Side, keep up the good work.

It totally looks like Seacrest is humping the lamp in the background of that last screen shot.

"With the sort of bubbly energy that makes you wish you could punch her right through the TV..."

Christ, that made me laugh out loud.

Shout-out to B-Side for the Fertile Crescent paragraph. hee! (or should that be heeeEEEEheeee...EEE.e)

It's not AI till someone's mug shot shows up on Smoking Gun!

in twenty years, jennifer love hewitt will be hookermom.

and the show, of course, will be called hooker whisperer.

America's Next top Fan- I agree, Simon goes too far. Talk about trampling all over someones dreams. That poor guy was devestated. It does make you wonder about Lizardqueens question. When is one of these poor saps going to go home and open up their wrist with a dull blade?
American Idol auditions really bring out the nutjobs. If they ever hold them in Minneapolis, I am dragging my husband down to the Convention Center simply to make fun of people.
And I finally (after reading the recap) caught the "Constance will fulfill your needs; winter, spring or fall..." It was driving me nuts. If I ever audition I am humming the theme song of "The Amazing Race".

I don't watch the audition shows, so I literally did a spit take when I read about Tan Girl and Hooker Mom. Yikes!

You are hilarious, B-side!

I doubt that any of the people from this episode will be the Idol. I hated most of them. Except for Hooker Mom. I think her life would've made for great MTV reality.

Is anyone from the Buffalo area? I am writing an article for the Buffalo Current and I need to talk to people who read TV blog websites like this. Please contact me at hanan5050@hotmail.com if you are from Buffalo, NY....

Am I the only one who thinks Paula should say, "Somebody sedate me!!!" in one of the episodes?

Am I the only one who laughed out loud at the "Bitchy McFatThighs" comment? Best nickname I've heard all year!

Also, does everyone agree that Crystal's dream in life is to be exactly like Paris Hilton?

Awesome recap!

I didn't want to laugh at Crystal because I genuinely thought she was retarded. she hasn't even mastered the english language

Genius as always. Faves:

-"Hahah we're in jail!" ZING!

-"Stupid bitch. That's not good TV!"

-And that girl grew up to be Rene Zelleweger." LOL @ the "Rest of the Story" homage.

-Crystal chasing a ball in her kitchen.

Well crafted B

did anyone else feel like crystal and hooker mom were the poor man's britney and lynne spears? or perhaps britney and lynne 8 years ago

daalca- exactly how poor are we going here?

I think that the key question is how much beer/weed would it require for K-Fed to confuse Crystal and hooker mom for Britney and Lynne?

Fab recap, b-side. Better that wading through an actual episode of it (heh heh -- that's what we have you for!)

Damn, mountain_girl (#19) -- I totally missed the Seacrest glow hump. Too fuckin' funny!

Anonym (#32) -- valid point...

I live in Chicago and Crystal and her mom were on the news Wednesday night. As someone mentioned previously in the posts, she's not going to school (which cannot be a good thing) because of the teasing. My favorite thing she said though was that the producers told her to wear all that makeup and "ham it up" for the cameras. The brilliance of the situation is that as she's saying it's all the producers fault, she's wearing enough make-up to stock an entire MAC store. When will reality whores realize that we will never believe the old "It's all in the editing" story?

I am severely disappointed the recap did not include a picture of Yvonne "bouncing boobs" Gomez. What made that moment reality perfection was the chunky guy sitting to her right who was bouncing his head whilst admiring the view. I think that was the only time I laughed the entire episode.

here's the link for the Constance Frye song -- thanks for the Trading Spaces reminder, it was killing me!!

http://www.killerclips.com/clip.php?id=43&qid=244&

LMAO "hahahaha. we're in jail." that was great...

Thank you gt. That was super. Now how in the world did that song pop into weird Derek's head when he was trying out for AI? And it definitely popped since he seemed to have no idea where it was coming from. If Biz Markie and Rain Man had a love child, it would be Derek.