Okay, we get it, she can blow out all the windows in the building. Every Baptist church south of the Mason-Dixon line has a choir filled with women who can do the same thing. But when Mandisa and Chris Daughtry do it, the result is electrifying; when Paris does it, she's just loud. Last week, without hitting a single "power note," she put on a show, and was much better. Don't get me wrong, this week she was alright...but I greatly prefer melodic Paris over power-note Paris.

Oh, Lord, I'm falling behind. Need to speed it up:

Kellie Pickler--"Let's Give Them Something To Talk About"
Unique, back on pitch, and her throaty-squeaky vocals sounded great. Her performance was fun. And the fact that she's not "powerful" doesn't mean she's not good. Because she really is. Now I remember why I love Kellie Pickler. She's a star. And she wins Perfect Song Choice for the night, as well as Best Performance.

Mandisa--"Cry"
I hate this song even when Faith Hill sings it; I much prefer "Breathe," as Faith Hill power-ballads go. The rhythms of the "Cry" three-count beat are really weird for some reason. So I wasn't a fan of this performance, by default. But again, by singing country, Mandisa is shaking things up and showing her versatility, proving she can do anything. She's so smart. Granted, she keeps singing sharp, and her vibrato gets out of control sometimes--but when she's on, hitting those notes, she is IT. Her vocal tone can slice through steel. So fierce.

Oh damn, I forgot Ayla--

Ayla Brown--"I Want You To Need Me"
Here's the thing with Ayla: she is a great singer. The sight of her standing there in that dress, looking like she was attacked by a Mary Kay commando, was a joke. She's hot, but she needs to come out in some old jeans, a t-shirt, and some sneakers, with her hair in a ponytail, and she needs to sing some angry, fun song like the big lesbian tomboy that she is. The judges keep saying she's so "mechanical," and they can't figure out why; it's because she's not being real. We don't want her to be girly. We already have Ryan Seacrest Kellie Pickler for that. If she would be natural and butch it up a bit, at least she's be original. And maybe I wouldn't forget her.

~~

On to Wednesday, with the dudes:

Taylor Hicks: "Easy" (or is it "Easy Like Sunday Morning"?)
Started great. Then he started going "Whoo!" after every stanza like he was in a bar doing Jaeger Bombs with his buddies. He needs to just sing and quit the rest of the crap. He's turning into a characiture of himself. Whoopee, people think you're weird and that's cool, blah blah blah. Now quit with the Tourette's Syndrome ticks and just sing, dude.

Elliot Yamin--
What was the name of his song? He said it too fast. Whatever, I know it was something by Stevie Wonder and Elliot sang it GREAT. Singing the ups-and-downs of Stevie Wonder R&B/jazz could be a nightmare of mush-mouth sloppiness, if you don't keep every single note in key. Usually when singers do "runs," it's to hide the fact that they can't hit and sustain the correct note. But Elliot can. He can hit every note you throw at him. Where was this guy during the audition episodes? I think they didn't put him in because he looks funny. And that's a shame. Damn, he's good.

Ace--"If I'm Not Made For You"
Okay, I'm going to say it: Ace crashed and burned. It makes my fingers feel pain just typing it. Daniel Bettingfield sings this song with the aid of a computer tuning his voice; Ace needed that computer, as he trudged through his vocals like he was walking through mud. Really badly-tuned, off-key mud. And the judges liked it, which I didn't get. Awful awful awful. He's lucky he's foxy.

Gedeon McKinney--"A Change Is Gonna Come"
Gedeon is great. Forty years ago, he would have been a hit. Today, would you buy his album filled with Motown and gospel-wannabe songs? Exactly. God bless.

Kevin Covais--"I Heard It Through The Grapevine"
In his intro video clip, he excitedly detailed all the Clay Aiken-style female attention he's been getting, exclaiming "It's kind of like I'm a sex symbol now!" Kev, when girls say you're "cute," they mean it like it's "cute" when a Chihuahua barks at the neighbor's Rottweiler. It's funny. It's endearing. And it's delusional. Josh Groban! Josh Groban! Sing Josh Groban!

Sway--"Overjoyed"
He tried to go totally straight and legit this time, after his shenanagins last week. Big mistake, since we don't care about Sway unless he's blinging and pimping us all to death. And singing a Stevie Wonder song on the same night that Elliot is singing Stevie Wonder is the fastest way out of the competition. Oops.

Will Makar--"Lady"
We respected Will. And then he said "I got to meet Justin Guarini!" like he was excited about it. Oh, dear. For me, he might as well have come out on the stage and taken a huge dump. Because now all I see is the the male Heather Cox.

And the Ryan Seacrest turned into Chester the Molester and started rearranging Will's twig and berries, saying something about "you need to untuck your shirt" or one of those standard porn movie excuses to get into somebody's pants. And I forgot all about Will's singing, and his naiveté, and his lack of any sort of musical sophistication, and I just felt dirty. It was all just a bad moment for me. And for America.

Posted by Papi on March 3, 2006 4:50 PM