My Country 'Tis Of ZZZs - 
by B-side
Thought last week's round of American Idol was terrible? You ain't seen nothing yet. Last night, the show tackled country music, and let's just say, it was a snoozefest. Nearly every single song was forgettable and bland despite the performances. To me, it was an indictment of the genre more than anything else. Sure, it's fun to two-step to some fiddles and general honky-tonk music, but contemporary country is just whiny and boring, and as a result, we were stuck with an hour of TV that had us itching for the fast forward button. Hopefully we've reached the nadir of the season because I can't imagine it getting any worse. That is unless the producers opt for the all klezmer theme that I've been secretly wishing for.
As the show begins, we notice some regrettable fashion missteps right off the bat. First, Ryan Seacrest tries to be manly by growing something on his face. More than stubble but less than a beard, it's kind of like the pre-pubescent 13-year-old of facial hair -- not quite a child, but far from a man. Nevertheless, I think we can all appreciate the inherent symbolism of Ryan growing a beard the same week he appears on camera smooching Teri Hatcher.
Ryan's not the only one with a fashion transgression. Mr. Randy Jackson manages to cause a few double takes with his bright red vest. I think it may have been an attempted homage to the country genre, but honestly, it looks like he simply took an old box of Valentine's Day candies and fashioned some crude garment out of it. Ryan later says he looks like Cupid, but I don't agree on account of Cupid having wings, a harp, a little white toga, and NOT LOOKING ANYTHING LIKE RANDY.
For this week's country theme, the singers are lucky enough to have The Gambler himself provide a little advice. Yes, Kenny Rogers shows up to lend a hand, and dammit if he hasn't gone all metrosexual on us. His hair is now short and layered, and he sports a youthful ensemble which I immediately hate. Carson Kresley: we want our old Kenny Rogers back.
That's not going to be good for business.
First up is Taylor Hicks. I've never been crazy about this guy, but at least he always has fun with his songs. Not the case this week. Taylor seems off key and out of it as he plods through his country ditty. If Taylor can't bring life to the music, I fear what the rest of the evening will have in store for us.
Our thoughts exactly.
Randy gives thumbs down to the performance, saying it was boring, and Paula starts her critique by saying, "You know I love you, Taylor." In Paula-speak, that's her way of saying, "You were really terrible and boring tonight." Simon calls the performance "safe, boring, lazy," and later, the zing-addicted Ryan goes for the yuk-yuk by saying, "Safe, boring, and lazy: Simon's love life, ladies and gentlemen."
Anyone else getting sick of Ryan's bitterness? Hey Ryan. You're just the host. SHUT UP. Simon being a dick = cool. Ryan being a dick = lame.
After the commercial break, Ryan starts to introduce Mandisa, but he's thrown off his game when he hears a woman yell, "I love you Ryan!" Turns out it was Paula, and now Ryan is completely speechless. A few seconds of silence go by until Ryan finally stutters some lame response. But he's still so confused that exec-producer and So You Think You Can Dance judge Nigel Lythgoe then has to chime in from the audience and say "I love you Ryan!" also. Unfortunately, this just rattles our metro-ragamuffin even more. Ryan utters some silly comment about whatever, but he's thankfully cut off by the Mandisa video which the producers mercifully play.
This is awkward.
Mandisa comes on stage, and I feel an instant pang of embarrassment for her. Someone should have told her that horizontal stripes aren't always a curvy girl's best friend. Even worse, Mandisa looks like she rolled herself up in a Mexican tablecloth. But sartorial decisions are the least of her worries. Her performance is solidly okay. She's not great, but she's not awful either. Just blah. (Keeping in mind that "blah" for Mandisa is still about ten times better than almost anyone else.)
Looks like everyone gave Mandisa a standing ovation. Everyone except RACHEL BILSON!
The judges are only lukewarm to Mandisa this week. Randy says "The last five seconds were great," which is really the height of backhanded compliments. Paula says that Mandisa has a wonderful voice (a.k.a. she hated it), and Simon pretty much disses the entire song. He calls it horrible, and when the crowd boos, Simon says he's just trying to be "constructive." A few second later, when Ryan has the floor again, he questions Simon about his comments.
"If you listened, I said I quite liked her. I just wasn't crazy about the song," Simon says.
"And if you read the dictionary, you'd know what constructive means," Ryan replies. Again, unnecessary zing. And quite forced too. Well, Simon shows Ryan how it's really done.
"Ryan, with respect," he says, "I'm not the one trying to look like someone out of Desperate Housewives." OH NO HE DI'INT!!! OH NO HE DI'INT!!! The crowd goes wild, and as I wonder if this is some reference to the whole Teri Hatcher thing, Simon then adds, "Lose the beard." Oh, it works on so many levels!
"I'm fey."
With the crowd roaring, Ryan is again at a loss for words. He's clearly lost this round, but he's not gonna give up. He spews out some lame, tangled comment about Simon's baby blue sweater, but no one's listening and no one cares. It's over Ryan. The zing of the night belongs to Cowell.
Hey, how did Igor get on this show?
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