Another One Bites The Dust - 
by B-side
The week of Queen has officially ended on American Idol, and while I won't spoil who went home in this opening paragraph, I'll just say that the lessons of Mandisa have been learned. America voted, and the right person was kicked to the curb. Well, one of the right people, I should say. Truthfully, I wasn't totally down with tonight's bottom three, and if I'd had my druthers, someone else would be packing up a suitcase and heading to LAX. But alas, you can't win 'em all, right? We should just be happy that our favorites are still around and that Paula hasn't been put on a horse tranquilizer yet.
The night starts out, well... I don't know how the night starts out. Since I'm in the less technologically advanced East Coast TVgasm office tonight, I don't have access to a dual-tuner Tivo. That means that from 8 PM to 9 PM, I was watching The Amazing Race. I don't really feel too bad about missing that first hour of Idol, and I'm sure everyone will fill me in on whatever magical moments transpired in that time.
Anyway, from where I come into the show, I learn that Taylor, Katharine, and Chris are already safe and sound. This really isn't a shock, and when I later discover that the producers are filling this super-sized episode with special interviews with family and friends, I'm instantly happy that I've already skipped over this trio. The last thing I need is to see what sort of circus freakshow Taylor hails from.
Still scary.
Still scarier.
We then focus on Kellie Pickler who happily announces, "I have the snot rag right now." Say it after me, Kellie: handkerchief. Hand-ker-chief. I'd hate to hear what she calls toilet paper. Or her tampon. Anyhoo... With images of Kellie's mucus filling our brains, we then cut to a sappy interview with Grandpa Pickler as he talks about how wonderful his granddaughter is. This leads to copious amounts of lip quivering, and finally, we return to real time and learn Kellie's fate. She... is... not... in the bottom three. And with that, Kellie spurns her "snot rag" and places it firmly on Ryan's podium. Ever the brave man, Ryan squeamishly plucks the snot rag off his cards and throws it on Elliot, who I'm sure just loved having PicklerSnot cast all over his face.
Once all these hi-jinx settle down, Ryan gets back to business. "Three of you SERIOUSLY in danger," he says gravely as if one of them might be murdered execution style by the end of the evening. Next up is Elliot who we learn had many allergies as a child: he couldn't go near grass or trees or pretty much anything green. Plus, when he was seventeen, that's when he found out about his diabetes. We learn this all from Elliot's mom, who seems like a lovely woman. Unfortunately, I'm a little distracted by her head to neck ratio. Big head, very skinny neck. Some serious lollipoppage going on.
Anyway, after this little video, we discover that Elliot is in fact in the bottom three. Dunh dunh dunh!! And even worse, Ryan wants Elliot to sing again! Too bad that Elliot has no idea what's going on. "What do I sing?" he asks bashfully. What do you think, jerk? Your song from last night! This isn't very difficult deduction here. Luckily for Elliot, Ryan gives him the option to rap instead. I become incredibly excited about the prospect of DJ Elliot returning to the stage, but alas, he bashfully opts to sing "Somebody to Love." And by the way, he does a great job. Much better than last night. I'm not a huge Elliot fan, but he really shouldn't be bottom three.
And speaking of bottom three, we then move on to Ace Young, who comes to us again with the sort of sleeveless T that will surely make him a big hit in San Francisco. He looks nervous as hell -- probably because of his awful, awful "We Will Rock You" performance last night. We then take a trip to Colorado where we meet his parents, annoyingly named KAY and JAY. And if that's not bad enough, this alphabetic duo named two of their sons Mark and DUFF. Could this family be any more annoying? Actually, they seem very nice, but it's hard for me to write friendly things about them when their sons all seem to have the same shaggy, douchebag hairstyle. Mark (or perhaps Duff) then relays an utterly annoying anecdote about how Ace will always do things under time limits and blah blah blah please shut up.
Eventually, we return to the live show where Ace is wiping away tears from his ever so soulful eyes. Sure enough, he's in the bottom three (thank you). Ryan asks Paula if Ace's performance stood the test of time when she watched it back again on TV, and she says, "Watching it back, it's always a different experience." Well, yeah. In one case, you're seeing it live in front of you, and in another, it's on TV. Way to blow the lid off that one, PAULA.
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