Tonight's show opens with a dubious image: Marilu Henner clapping in the audience. For a moment, I have bitter flashbacks to 1998 when her stupid diet book was all the rage. I swear, if she gets up on stage and talks to Ryan Seacrest about the virtues of floaters versus sinkers again, I'm giving up this show. Luckily, Marilu remains in her seat, and I'm able to enjoy the rest of the show (speaking of Marilu Henner, Idol becomes a lot more amusing when you imagine the Taxi song playing whenever the show's theme music plays. Remind me to do that for Clipgasm sometime). By the way, here's a fun fact: Marilu Henner's real name? Mary Lucy Denise Pudlowski. Ha! She's SO a closet Pudlowski!

Okay, enough Marilu Henner discussion. Let's talk about the show. Ryan appears on camera with a mild stubble. It's supposed to be trendy, but like many things with him, it just looks lame. Ryan then introduces the judges, and inexplicably, Ryan omits Paula's name. Scandal! Oh wait. Upon further review, his microphone merely had gone dead. No scandal after all. Ryan then introduces the night's theme by saying, "American Idol is going smart!" I believe that's an oxymoron, but that's okay. Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, Rod Stewart is the guest star, and he's here to promote his American Songbook collection -- something all fading musicians do when they no longer have a creative bone in their body. I guess I'd prefer a lame cover of a great classic instead of a tepid version of a new dud. But you know what would sound best of all? Silence.

Brokeback Rod

Ryan then says "Rod Stewart is a rock legend." Yes. And now he's sold out. Wonderful! We then cut to footage of the Idol contestants standing around a piano and rehearsing. Rod walks in with his fiancé Penny and his newborn, Alistair. "I'm sorry we're late,' he says, "but we were making wedding plans." How lovely. But guess what? WE DON'T CARE! You be prompt, Rod Stewart!

Anyway, we then see a montage of Rod being a total clown during rehearsals. He doesn't seem to be helping at all. Barry Manilow is still the best teacher so far. But then again, we'll have to see how the performances are before we say anything more.

First up is Chris Daughtry. He announces that he's going to be singing "What A Wonderful World," and I immediately begin to wonder if Live or Creed or Fuel have done a cover of this song. I don't think they have. It looks like Chris will truly be heading into unchartered territory this week. Rod Stewart then tells us that he couldn't imagine Ozzy Osbourne singing the song. "No disrespect, Ozzie," he says, "but it's a vocal push." Wait a second. Are you insinuating that Ozzie Osbourne has no voice? That's ridiculous!

With a random guitarist sitting on the steps, Chris then takes the stage looking sort of like an extra from Swing Kids. He's all vintaged out, and surprisingly, he doesn't sing the song like he's yearning for a hernia. Instead, Chris is calm, controlled, and strong. It's a great performance, and Randy and Paula love it. As for Simon? "I thought it was a GREAT performance." Hey, that's what I said. Simon also takes credit for the performance by saying it was because of him that Chris switched gears. Yeah, okay, whatever. You weren't the only person who said that. Nevertheless, I'm glad Chris is back in top form.

Paris is next, and true to form, she's changed her look. I thought she'd relish the opportunity to come out on stage in an elegant evening gown, but instead she's wearing what appears to be a pink business suit. I know it's supposed to be classy, but it just makes her look like a secretary. She and Ryan talk about Easter, and Ryan takes the opportunity to make a forced joke: "Simon dressed up in a bunny costume and laid eggs in my house on Sunday." Honestly, that doesn't even make sense. Just drop it, Ryan. Simon already asserted his zing dominance with that Desperate Housewives comment two weeks ago. You're done for the season.

Posted by B-side on April 19, 2006 1:22 AM