Anyway, Paris sings her song, and as usual, I'm stuck with mixed emotions. I really can't stand Paris, but damn, she sounds terrific. Randy loves the performance. Paula says that if she made an album in this genre, it would blow up. And Simon says, "You bewilder me. You talk like Minnie Mouse... and yet you sing in that very grown up way." Don't worry, Paris fans. That was a compliment. He loves the performance too. For the record, Paris does not sound like Minnie Mouse (not to say that she doesn't sound annoying. It's just an inaccurate comparison). Ryan then takes the stage and looks in Simon's Coca Cola cup. "Simon is sipping the happy fuel!" our host proclaims. In other news, Ryan is sipping the Not Funny Fuel.

Did Paris just sing or give a PowerPoint presentation?

Next up is Taylor Hicks, who's still lovin' the SNL parody from this past weekend. He tackles Sam Cooke for his song, and at first, he's kind of boring. I'm a little shocked, quite frankly. I thought he'd excel this week. By the end of the song, however, Taylor gets into it and infuses the performance with sudden energy and life. He even hones his inner Tourette's Syndrome and spastically undulates on stage. This makes Paula clap like the happy seal that she is. Sure enough, we're batting three for three. Randy loves it, Paula loves it ("I applaud you," she says. That's her highest compliment) and Simon loves it so much that he even does the Paula clap. "It started, and I thought, 'Okay, lame cabaret.' And then, magic!" he says. Why does he sound like Rip Taylor all of a sudden?

Elliot's up next. He sings "It Had To Be You" in his typical soulful way. It's an okay performance, but it definitely comes alive by the end. Again, Randy and Paula love it, and hey! There's Mimi Rogers! Three cheers for Scientology! (Oh, forgot to mention that earlier, we saw LaToya London in the audience. Not that she's a Scientologist. I'm just saying that I forgot to mention her.)

Anyway, Paula tells Elliot, "You are contemporizing a genre." And you, Paula, are butcherizing English. Simon, meanwhile, thinks the vocals were good but feels the personality was lacking. Could be a problem. I agree. Ryan then takes the stage and does some weird thing with his eyes. It doesn't make sense to me, and I don't want to figure it out. Let's just move on.

Wow. Ryan really is short.

Next is Kellie Pickler, and if there's anyone capable of ruining this evening's flow, it's her. In the rehearsal video, her idiocy is at full power as she says one dumb thing after another. At one point, she says that she needs to get the words for the song, causing Rod Stewart to reply, "Get the words and the lyrics." He then chuckles and adds, "A little joke there."

Kellie, meanwhile, looks at him and says, "Huh?"

"The words and the lyrics are the same thing," Rod explains.

"They are, aren't they?" Kellie replies. Oh my god. She is borderline retarded.

Rod is polite and tells us that she has "a lot of personality." It's true. One thing she doesn't have much of? BRAINS. The rehearsal ends with Rod telling her that she did good. "Well, you took a load off my chest!" she says. Oh dear...

Surprisingly enough, Kellie starts her song and doesn't sound half bad. I'm actually surprised at how good she sounds. But then suddenly, she loses it. She becomes shaky, nervous, and self-conscious. By the end of the song, she's mostly off-key. Well, when all else fails, charm 'em with that Southern naiveté. "I butchered it!" she admits right off the bad. Randy says it wasn't that bad, but yeah, it was pretty bad. Rather than focus on the terrible vocals, Paula instead says that Kellie's fashion is great and that she can't wait for her acting career takes off. Yes, Paula said that. It's like telling someone "You have a face for radio."

"When all else fails, you better have great shoes, right?" Kellie then says. It's probably the first halfway clever statement she's ever said, but it's still pretty stupid. Simon reiterates what the other judges have said, and he kindly tells her that she sucked. She apologizes many times, and even I start to feel badly for the girl. Later, Ryan says that she must wish she could do it again, but the self-effacing Kellie replies, "I won't put you through the torture." Now that's how you pander for pity votes!

What's up, 1994?

Speaking of pity, I pity the fool that told Ace to pull back his hair tonight. Yes, Ace is up next, and he comes to us dressed in a suit with his hair all tight and pulled back into a pony-tail. He looks sort of like a Long Island mafioso. Actually no. He looks like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Whatever it is, it's dumb. And here I thought his normal hairstyle was bad enough. Anyway, true to form, Ace takes a song and adds his lame pseudo R&B touch to it. At times he sounds flat. At times he sounds sharp. At times he sounds shaky. And at times he sounds off-key. Ace has really exhausted my patience. I'm ready for him to be gone. And when he busts out the falsetto that everyone seems to love so much, I just want to cover my ears with pillows. Believe it or not, all three judges like it (and so does Michael Rappaport who gives a rousing ovation from the audience). Simon even says "It wasn't bad!" He then calls it nasally but charming. I don't know what he's talking about. Hopefully America will just do away with Ace once and for all.

Posted by B-side on April 19, 2006 1:22 AM