The show begins with Ryan nearly stumbling down some steps as he happily waves to the audience and welcomes America back to the cheesiest talent show on Earth. He seems extra bubbly tonight, which may explain why he's unfazed by his little misstep. It may also explain why his tie is crooked too (then again, knowing Seacrest's penchant for over-anticipating fashion trends, he probably thinks it's cool to have the knot off center). Anyway, our beanpole host tells us that the show registered over 47 million votes last night, more than any other non-finale episode ever. To put that in perspective, Big Brother only culled about five million votes last summer, and that was their record (and yes, that included internet voting too).

Once we're done marveling on all the votes (about .36 seconds later), we take a glimpse at our idols. Everyone looks pretty good. Katharine has slipped out of her banana peel dress and into the more casual blouse and jeans ensemble. Elliot also has traded out his designer duds for a dorky shirt that makes his arms look skinny strange. And Taylor, I don't know what's up with him. His hair looks whiter than ever. It's like someone sifted flour on it about ten seconds prior.

Ryan then asks the judges about the previous night's show, and in a rare move, Simon takes back his harsh criticism of Katharine. He says that upon further review, he was way too hard on her. She sounded different and better on tape, and it was unfair the way he came down on her. Randy also chimes in that he agrees. Aw, that's nice guys, and I'm sure Katharine will really appreciate that if she gets voted off tonight. Thanks!

By the way, Paula doesn't retract any statements. Why? "I've never been harsh!" she says from under a pile of dark beads she has draped around her neck. She kind of looks like a fortune teller. A fortune teller on Vicodin. Simon then interrupts Paula's babble to create the awkward moment of the night. Yes, he asks if Paula and Ryan ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER! Ryan gulps and nervously says yeah, yeah, yeah. He then tries to recover by smiling and tossing to the recap of last night. Good save!

We watch as the kids meet Andrea Bocelli all over again, and in the background, one of his songs plays, making the entire montage seem like an olive oil commercial. Eventually, I simply fast forward through the recap until the judges return to the screen. Ryan stands behind them and says they're just one big dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional is an understatement when you've got Looney Tunes Abdul sitting at the table. Nevertheless, Paula happily reads Ryan's cue card, clearly stating, "The results after the break!" It's the first phrase in over three years that she hasn't slurred and stuttered through. Bravo! I like to think this moment of lucidity is just the eye in her hurricane of craziness.

"Pretty hands!"

"Pretty pretty hands!"

"Yay!"

After the break, it's time for our favorite segment: the cheese-o-rama Ford music video. This week's song? "Call Me" by Blondie. The video follows the idols as they search for a missing dog throughout a city (or the Paramount studios New York set, to be specific). Eventually, they find their mutt, and guess what? The little guy has led them right to a Ford Fusion. Oh, and apparently this dog has gotten busy with a bitch -- there's a box of puppies next to the car. Aw, so cute. Still, there's something oddly disturbing yet appropriate about how American Idol takes a song about prostitution and makes it about puppies. Can't wait for their artistic interpretation of "Private Dancer." It'll center around kittens and merry-go-rounds.

When the video ends, Ryan introduces tonight's very special guests: David Foster and Andrea Bocelli. Yay? Seacrest asks a few perfunctory questions, and I can't help noticing how Bocelli answers everything as if he has some Italian-sounding computer box speaking for him. If Stephen Hawking and Super Mario Brothers had a lovechild....

Finally, the two guests perform for the crowd. Foster is on piano, Bocelli on vocals. It's terrible. That's not to say that the two men aren't talented. They're both excellent in their crafts. The song, however, is shit. When I hear it, I feel like I'm in some mattress store in Hackensack, NJ. The sort of place where everything has a gold trim and women named Angela and Bernice roam around in pleather pants.

Anyway, this schlocky, Vegas-worthy song comes to an end, and when we return from the commercial break, it's finally time for the results. Oops -- not before checking in with former Idol / present eyebrow enthusiast Lisa Tucker. She sits in the audience and banters with Ryan for about three seconds. In case you didn't know, she'll be on The OC this Thursday. Yeah, I don't care either.

Ryan then announces he'll be splitting the six singers into three groups of two. First up, Katharine. She's banished to the far side of the stage. Next is Elliot, who is assigned the middle. And Pickler? She gets the near side. Just a hunch: y'all probably want to stay away from her group tonight.

Posted by B-side on April 26, 2006 11:37 PM