Tonight's show starts with visions of tracheotomy scars dancing in our heads. No, we're not hallucinating. It's the return of Anthony Federoz, last season's milquetoast crooner who hopefully has found a lucrative career singing on a cruise liner somewhere in the Mediterranean. Luckily, we don't have to hear his sleep-inducing voice. He's just merely one of many celeb cameos spotting the audience.

The camera thankfully moves to the judges as Ryan re-introduces them to America. Paula's hair is all semi-curly and swept up. I think it looks nicer than usual, but at the same time, it does have a certain crow's nest style that's somewhat disconcerting. Hopefully, she'll keep her nutty emotions in check this week, but I understand that's a tall order. I won't get my hopes up.

So here's the deal for this week. Each finalist will be singing two songs: one from their birth year and one from a current top 10 spot on this week's Billboard charts. I'm already anticipating a butchering of James Blunt. Anyway, Elliot kicks off the night with a song from his birth year, 1978. It's "On Broadway" by George Benson, made famous by last season's resident Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, Scott Savol. Before we get to the song, however, we get a little glimpse into Elliot's childhood. He divulges that he has a bad habit of chewing on his finger nails. The audience inexplicably cheers. Yay bad hygiene! I can't imagine how everyone would react if he were to announce that he picks at scabs. Whoo hoo!! On the plus side, all the finger chewing might explain the bad teeth. I wonder what his fingers must look like. I can't imagine anything could survive years of gnawing from those chompers.

Anyway, Elliot takes the stage, and after a somewhat boring start, he really gets into the song. He's got a great voice, but again, the charisma! The charisma! Not really there. But he is significantly better than Scott Savol; so that's a plus.

CELEBRITUS INTERRUPTUS!
Ace Young spotted in the audience! Still looks quite punch-able!

Okay, back to the show. The judges all like Elliot. Randy and Paula give him warm, if not gushing, reviews, and Simon says it's not his best performance. Aaand we're onto our next performer. Whirlwind pace!

After the commercial break, we find two women in the audience hoisting a sing up that reads, "Ryan, we'll be your Desperate Housewives." Yes, emphasis will have to be on the word "Desperate." Something tells me he'd be more interested in the men of Prison Break.

Anyway, Ryan talks to Paris on stage, and she sounds like she's been pumped full of helium. I mean, her voice is always high, but this week, it's ridiculous. We then see several photos of Paris in big, ruffly dresses as a baby. Gosh, even then her wardrobe choices were annoying. Technically, they weren't her choices. Her mother always stuck her in these garments from Ruffle Hell -- which doesn't surprise me one bit.

Well, Paris was born in 1988, and so she'll be doing a cover of "Kiss" by Prince. Technically, that song didn't come out until 1986, but Tom Jones did his own cover two years later; so I guess that's how Paris is getting away with this song. And yes, the research on that was more entertaining than Paris's performance.

It's not to say that Paris is bad. She's decent, but kind of boring. She also spends half the song with her face turned away from the camera; so all we see is her greasy, curly hair instead. Well, we also see her jigglin' booty too, but that's an different issue entirely. Before the song is over, I can tell this is going to be a rough judging. Paula's hands aren't even clapping in the air like usual. I'm not totally correct. Randy says he likes the song, but as predicted, Paula only gives passing marks, saying she likes it more when Paris sings from older eras. Uh, Paula, kind of stiff request when the contestants have to sing from their BIRTH YEAR.

Finally, Simon offers his critique which promptly draws boos from the audience. "Screechy and annoying," he states. Ha. So true. Enjoy the bottom two again!

Next is Chris, who's singing "Renegade" by Styx from 1979. Off the get-go, the audience is clapping along, which has to be good news. I'm not totally into the song, however, and not just because it's by Styx. I think it's just sort of dull. Okay, maybe that does have to do with Styx. Nevertheless, I always feel like Chris is trying to outsmart us by choosing these semi-obscure songs. Just do something we can all embrace. PLEASE.

Well, I guess Chris doesn't need advice from me because Randy does his whole "AMerica, we got a real hot one tonight!" Paula then chimes in with her incoherent statement of the evening: "Outstanding! You... you set... you already setting it far apart from anyone else." I think what she means to say is that he's raised the bar. Don't worry. I received a 5 on my AP Paulabonics test.

Rounding out the trio is Simon who says, "That was a million times better than the first two performances." And so Chris coasts through once again.

Next up: Katharine McPhee. Before she can sing, Ryan talks to her about her wardrobe malfunction last week. "A lot of people went back on their systems and watched that moment over and over again," Ryan says.

Posted by B-side on May 3, 2006 12:45 AM