"I'm sure they Tivoed. I'm sure they did," Katharine adds. Yes, that would be us she's talking about. You know, the guys who took still frames of her hooha and put it on the Internets. Yay blogging!

Well, we learn that Katharine was born in 1984, and as a child, she was very quiet, and according to the photos, Latina too. Looks like she grew out of both.

El Katharine McPheerez?

Eventually, the McPheever takes the stage and attempts some McPhil Collins and "Against All Odds," but she's a bit McOff. Okay, she's totally off. Her key is shaky at best, and her tempo seems a bit rushed and choppy. As the song goes on, she actually sounds flat at parts. She even misses a high note at the end. Ouch. Sounds like the McPheever has cooled off.

Randy's first comment is "You look amazing." Oh god, he's borrowing from the Abdul book of avoiding the issue. Randy then gives a backhanded compliment by saying, "It was okay at the end." Ouch. Paula is surprisingly more direct by saying, "Not my favorite performance from you." Simon trashes it too, but oddly enough, he then says, "I agree with Paula and Randy. It was by far one of your best performances." Huh? A dyslexic says tahw? Minutes later, during Ryan's interview, Simon then interject to clarify. "It wasn't one of your best performances," he says, kick starting thirty seconds of pure awkwardness as Ryan tries to rebound from this impromptu moment. "Is that your final answer?" Seacrest finally asks, causing Randy to randomly say, "That was good, Ryan! Good!" When did Randy Jackson suddenly turn into Ryan's doting mother? I half expected him to start clapping his and say, "Hercules! Hercules!"

Next, it's Taylor Time. He was born in 1976, and he's doing some vintage "Play That Funky Music, White Boy." This means that before we can even say "Soul Patrol," he's already showering us with "AY!" and "C'mon!" noises. Taylor then proceeds to have a mild seizure during his performance, no doubt induced by his paisley shirt that looks like it was found under a box at Ross Dress For Less. After two minutes of twitching, swaying, and rump-shaking, Taylor finally ends the song by intentionally falling over on stage. Sadly, no animal control officers rush onto the scene and shoot him full of tranquilizers.

It's like someone puked paisley onto Taylor's body.

Get this man on House M.D.

Anyway, Randy says he felt like he was throwing back some beers in a bar -- which is a good thing, I think. Paula says, "You had fun!" Yay! Fun! And Simon keeps it real by first moving his mouth like a goldfish and then saying, "It was like a horrible, horrible wedding performance." Boo-ya! Undeterred by Mr. Cowell, Taylor keeps his goofy grin on his face, and then he and Ryan do pratfalls on the stage. The two then remain in a supine position as Ryan reads off the phone numbers. Wow, I bet this is farther than he ever got with Teri Hatcher.

Okay, round two! Bring on the Billboard hits!

Before the singers take the stage, Ryan treats us to a little video montage about Billboard magazine. In the middle of this, we learn that the number one song in the country is (sigh) Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." And yes, we then have to listen to part of it. Because we don't EVER get to hear this song on Idol. They just had to squeeze it in one more time. Man, this song is so annoying, but I shouldn't be so surprised that it's at the top of the charts. After all, the biggest show on television has been burning it into our heads for the last four months EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Okay, Elliot's up first for this second round, and we learn that he'll be singing Michael Bublé. Great. This is predestined to suck. Sure enough, it does. Two seconds in and I'm already asleep. "Let me go home," Elliot sings, somewhat forebodingly. I prefer the other Michael Bublé song, "Let us not listen to this anymore." It's times like these that I truly appreciate the 10 seconds these kids have to sing their songs.

After the performance, Elliot inexplicably runs off the stage to Ryan, but our fleet-footed host guides the confused contestant back to the spotlight. The whole spectacle causes Randy and Paula to cackle like hyenas, and when once they regain their composure, they both say that they like the song. Not love, but like. Simon gives it a resounding "Eh." I say no one should ever sing Bublé again.

Paris is next, and no surprise here, she sings that new Mary J. Blige song. She's much better than her first time out, but what she makes up for in vocals, she certainly lacks in moisturizer. You know what I'm talking about: ashy elbows. BUSTED! Y'all can thank J-Unit for spotting that. I personally am more distracted by her tinfoil capri pants, but that's just me.

Anyway, Randy says that he really liked the performance a lot, despite it encroaching on Mary's "joint." Paula also likes it but says it was a dangerous choice. Simon then notes, "Actually, I think you got that wrong, Paula. I think she did rather well with that." The audience breaks out into huge applause, and over the din, we can just barely hear Paula yapping away with Simon, trying to explain herself. Oh, give it up woman. You won't remember any of this anyway.

Posted by B-side on May 3, 2006 12:45 AM