Tonight's show opens with our favorite moppet, Ryan Seacrest, already hyping the big finale in two weeks. He says fifty million people will be watching and blah blah blah it's time for the opening credits. Two seconds later, Ryan re-appears on the big stage where we can fully take in his bland, three-piece suit. It's sort of a gray overload. I guess it's the new black. I can't help but notice that Ryan seems to be having a gray love affair these days, and while it's great that he has gray pride, I think it's odd that he never seems to talk about his gray sensibilities. Not that there's anything wrong with it. A lot of my friends are into the gray lifestyle. I just think that Ryan shouldn't be so ashamed of being gray. That's all.

Anyway, it's Elvis week, and so the producers sent the idols to Graceland to really get in touch with their inner King. Of course, cameras followed them the entire way, and as they pulled up in front of Elvis's storied house, Taylor remarked, "birthplace of rock 'n' roll." Well, not really, but then again, I shouldn't question Taylor. After all, he was alive before rock 'n' roll even existed.

The kids then came to the front door, and holy shit! It's Michael Myers!!! RUN!!! Oh, wait, no. How silly of me. It's THE JOKER!!! RUN!!! Oh, wait, no, sorry again. It's just Priscilla Presley. Yes, she may be the first lady of Graceland, but Priscilla has hardly aged gracefully. Her face has now become a barren wasteland of surgical excavations. A veritable Chernobyl of Botox and collagen. Over the years, I've seen Priscilla slowly head down the Michael Jackson route, but these days, she looks worse than ever. She makes Irene Marie look like Christie Turlington. Now whenever I watch The Naked Gun (something I do quite often), every scene will be tinged with sadness. Whither the natural beauty of Jane Spencer?

Why, Priscilla, why???

Priscilla explains her evil plan to trap Batman and kill all of Gotham City.

Also hanging out at Graceland was über-producer Tommy Mottola, who famously married Mariah Carey... and then famously divorced her. He looked svelte and gastric-bypass-surgery-ish, but since he had no creepy plastic surgery, I wasn't that interested in hearing what he had to say. Let's get on with the music!

First up is Taylor Hicks who sings "Jailhouse Rock." He does all his patented moves: the squat-walking, the spinning, the spastic movements. It's classic Hicks, which is great for some people. But for everyone else (me included), it's kind of annoying. The audience seems to have fun though -- especially Jeri Ryan who cheers from amidst the hoi polloi. Also having a blast: Taylor's big, breasty friend who I'll simply call Juggy McChesterson. I'm telling you, there was a lot of cleavage on display.

Anyway, Randy likes the performance a lot, and Paula offers up some empty praise. But Simon? Eh, not so much. "In the real world, that was a terrible impersonation of Elvis Presley," he says. EXACTLY. This gets Paula all mad, and so she starts barking like a tiny dog near a stranger. Luckily, if there's anyone who knows how to discipline a tiny dog, it's Simon, who seethes, "Shut up!" One can never underestimate the beauty of a prickly British person saying those words. It's like tasting a fine wine.

Simon concludes by saying Taylor's performance "was just karaoke with a capital K." Ryan then returns to the stage, and we just know he's gonna get all snippy and defensive. Sure enough, he unloads his zing machine. "So let's start with Simon," he says. "Have you ever LIVED in the real world?" Ooooh! ZING!! Wait... why? Why is that a zing? That was just a sentence delivered in zing fashion but really had nothing to do with anything. Nevertheless, Paula is already on her feet, seal-clapping her approval.

With adrenaline pumping through his veins, Ryan continues: "He has staff at his house. Staff here. A driver. A Rolls Royce. I mean, please, that's hardly the real world." So? What's your point? Is Taylor suddenly supposed to sound better if Simon drives a Toyota Camry instead?

Next up is Chris who'll be singing "Suspicious Minds." Before he takes the stage, however, he talks to Ryan about the various fan clubs that have sprung up in support of him. There's "The Daughtry Gang," "Chris's Crew" and "Chris-aholics." A.K.A. the most unimaginative fan clubs EVER. Chris then reveals the answer to everyone's question: "It's boxer briefs," he says. This causes Ryan to stand up and step away, probably to hide the raging hard-on he just sprouted. "I'm a little uncomfortable with this conversation right now, Chris," Ryan says. Again, the boner.

We then see a video of Chris at Graceland, and the only thing interesting is that we see Tommy Mottola laugh, and FYI, he laughs like a Billy Goat. No wonder why Mariah left him. The sex probably sounded like some grave exercise in bestiality.

Chris then performs for us, and taking a page from the Bo Bice school of accessories, he sports a flashy pair of sunglasses. Don't worry, they quickly come off.

He wears his sunglasses at night.

Posted by B-side on May 10, 2006 12:16 AM