Tonight's show begins with Ryan back to the gray suit. Before I can even make an obligatory gray joke, we then cut to Ace Young and Kellie "Sal-mon" Pickler sitting in the audience. I'm happy to report that Kellie has cut her hair short, thus completing her transformation into a young Bonnie Hunt.

Before Ryan does anything else, he tries to insinuate that the two former idols are now a romantic couple. He then has to explain to Kellie what the word "couple" means. Okay, he doesn't do that, but the two kids shake their heads and say no, no, no -- they're not dating! Just because a boy and a girl sit together doesn't mean there's any romantic activity, Ryan. Did your experience with Teri Hatcher teach you nothing?

Ryan then gets on with the business at hand. "Tonight, we will name your final two," he says, pausing dramatically for applause. But alas, it's just DEAD SILENCE. Everyone clearly is still distracted by Kellie's matronly new hairstyle. Either that, or they're wondering if CBS will ever re-air Keith Barry: Extraordinary!

We then learn that the show took in over fifty million votes, which is pretty darn impressive. Not that I really care, but hey, it's still noteworthy, I suppose. Ryan then re-introduces us to our finalists who all look fairly nervous, and in the case of Elliot, trollish too. After we reacquaint ourselves with our jittery trio, we then take a look back at last night's show -- which is the perfect excuse to hit fast forward on my Tivo. It's killing me that the results show is a full hour tonight. Don't they know I have the two hour Amazing Race finale after this?

The recap ends, and we go to commercial, and when we return, it's time for the weekly Ford music video. This one is by far the most disturbing. The idols are made to look like senior citizens (which meant for Taylor he'd have to dress like... normal), and then they all rap. Yes. They rap. In old people garb. I can appreciate the camp value and whatnot, but it's AWFUL. And it only gets worse once we see a shirtless Taylor hanging out in a hot tub. All my nightmares come to life in that one moment. Everything wrong with the world seems to be personified by that image. On the bright side, the costume designers age McPheever by giving her a McFUPA. That's right Katharine. Enjoy your upper pubic area now. It's gonna be a beach ball in ten years.

The skit finally ends, and Ryan says, "I didn't know Simon was having a party!" Oh! Kinda slam! You see, he insinuated that Simon hangs out with old people. That stings!

Ryan then talks about something or another, but I'm distracted by the world's fastest crawl speeding by the bottom of my screen. It's something about an Idol merchandise sale. I try in vain to read the words, but I find myself getting dizzy, and afterwards, when I train my eyes on the inanimate objects around me, everything looks like it's slowly drifting to the left. I need a moment to regain my mental capacities.

Luckily, my brain's processing power returns up to speed during a decidedly unchallenging segment featuring Hugh Jackman and Rebecca Romijn hawking X-Men 3 to the idols. Hugh tells the final three "I've been glued to the show. I think you guys are all amazing!" He then adds, "Especially that Chris Daughtry... with his masculine arms, that chiseled chest, and those soulful eyes that seem to say 'It's all right, Hugh. No one has to ever know. We can lie hear with each other forever.'"

Okay, Hugh doesn't say that, but he does hand over some DVDs of the X3 press kit to the finalists -- just in case they get bored over the next few days and decide to promote the movie on their own time. And of course, they do.

We then change gears from mutants and whatnot and head down to Alabama where Taylor enjoys his big homecoming. His day starts at 5:30 AM, and he visits what seems like every radio station and local news affiliate in the South. He does the weather, he plays his guitar, he rocks in his seat -- the total Taylor experience. He then travels by motorcade to downtown Birmingham, marveling over his police escort along the way. He even makes a "Whoo-whoo-whoo" siren noise, but oddly enough, that's just him warming up for his next song.

The big homecoming parade is gigantic -- thousands of people line the streets to see their gray-haired hero. A cheerleading squad chants, "We Are / Soul Patrol! We Are / Soul Patrol!" I chant back, "You Are / Annoying! You Are / Annoying!"

Posted by B-side on May 18, 2006 3:08 AM