One Idol To Rule Them All - 
by B-side
Ladies and gentlemen, it's all over. The search for this year's American Idol has drawn to a conclusion, and one person -- Taylor Hicks or Katharine McPhee -- has walked away with the coveted title. Overall, it was a solid season, full of all the ups and downs and off-camera drama we've come to expect. As for the final episode? Well, it was a bit long. The first hour -- it worked. I liked it. Solid performances, solid bits (yes, I said it), and solid clips from days gone by. But then the program began to drag a bit in hour two. The whole "Golden Idol" thing got real old, real fast, and the number of musical medleys seemed to spiral out of control. Still, I can't complain too much. It's not like Idol's finale night has ever been anything but an insane showcase for copious amounts of filler. So let's stop wasting time and relive the big night!
For the record, I have now seen this damn finale three times today. Yes, three times. As readers of the previous Idol recaps may have known, I attended the official Katharine McPhee viewing party here in Los Angeles. That meant that I got to see the telecast live at 5 PM PST. It also meant that I had to stand amongst way more 12 year old girls than I would ever want to. I'll have photos of the experience up tomorrow sometime. Anyway, after I was done there, I headed to the TVgasm studios where we live blogged the show, and then it was back to my apartment where I watched a third and final time to take notes for this recap. Needless to say, if I have to relive a freakin' Golden Idol Award again, I'm going to crawl under a desk and cry. I will literally cry. Isn't that a shame that that's my reaction? So un-manly. That's what spending six hours with Idol will do to you.
Anyhoo...
As the show opens, Carrie Underwood waltzes out on the stage dressed in white. She's singing some dumb song about dreamers and whatnot -- clearly another product of the American Idol schlock factory [ed. note: apparently this was a Barry Manilow song. Same difference]. Carrie's soon joined by Taylor, who's dressed in all white also. It's like Tom Wolfe gone dreadfully wrong. Katharine walks out next, and eventually, the entire top twelve -- all decked out in white -- takes to the stage. If mental wards have singalongs, this is what they'd look like.
The song's main refrain is the typically generic "I made it through the rain." Look, it's not a big accomplishment. People survive the rain all the time. It's called an UMBRELLA. Oh, it's supposed to be symbolic? Whatever. It's still dumb. And like all stupid Idol originals, the song crescendos with a big ol' choir seeping onto the stage like gospel sludge.
Eventually, this number comes to a thankful end, and then it's time for the opening credits. Seacrest then takes to the stage, and we pause briefly to gaze at some stars. Ben Stiller (again -- he was there last night) and Heather Locklear! Denise Richards is so throwing tomatoes at her screen right now. We also see Lisa Tucker's parents, and look! It's Bucky's twin! Yay! Family! Now, let's never look at them again.
Ryan then introduces us to the judges, and tonight, each judge gets his or her own montage. Randy's segment focuses on his penchant for saying "Dude" and other silly things over and over again. In other words, it's a totally forgettable moment. To Randy's credit, he looks quite sharp in his suit and tie. Nice to see people dress up once in a while.
We then see Paula's montage, which is set to Whitney Houston's '80s classic, "I Get So Emotional Baby." Too bad there's no song called, "I Get So Crazy On Painkillers, Baby." We then see a pastiche of silly Paula moments (so many to choose from), and then it's time for the Simon montage. His is set to "If You Think I'm Sexy" and features him rubbing his finger on his nipples and mouth over and over again. Needless to say, I'm sure Ryan was quite aroused.
Ryan tries to relive last night's hug with Chris.
After introducing the judges, Ryan then shows us all the fans that our finalists have. We go to Taylor's hometown and oh my, there are thousands of people filling some stadium in Birmingham. I'll just say that at the McPhee viewing party, all the fans were shocked. Why? Oh, because there were only about 150 people there. Yeah. Bad news.
Anyway, hottie twins Becky and Jessie O'Donohue then greet us and tell us about all the crazy kids who have dyed their hair grey. One of the girls then says, "And it's all for the you-know-what." Huh? Does that mean the kids dyed their hair for sex? They sure are kinky over in Alabama.
We then cut to Tamyra Gray at the Universal City Walk where all of the McPhee fans have gathered. Avid viewers might notice that the camera stays tight on her. That's because there are barely enough fans there to fill the shot. Again, photos tomorrow. In an attempt to expose TVgasm to 200 million people around the world, I conveniently stand right behind Tamyra. Sadly, my TVgasm.com T-shirt is blocked, but later, I discover that my face has proudly made its way onto national television. It seems all cool and exciting at first, but then I realize that there's now a permanent record of me standing in a crowd with a bunch of teeny-bopper girls. Oh, the shame. The things we do for TVgasm!
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