After checking in on Katharine's alleged fan party, we then return to the Kodak Theater where Paris Bennett takes the stage. She has a great voice, but more importantly, she's still as punchable as ever. Why is she so annoying? Why? Midway through her song, she awkwardly introduces Al Jarreau, who comes out on stage all happy and excited. He's having the best time ever. At points, Paris looks at him as if to say, "Huh?" It's not necessarily a match made in heaven. Things get really exciting, however, when the two engage in a mini scat-off. Say what you will about Paris, but the girl knows how to scat. Oh, and for those of you wondering, Paula's up and dancing. Crazy time!

The song ends, and we go to commercial. When we return, it's the Battle of the Baldies! Chris Daughtry singing with Live! It's a good performance. The only odd part comes from Live's lead singer who keeps dipping into some sort of falsetto. It kind of sounds like a rock yodel, which isn't necessarily as awesome as it sounds. After the song, we cut to the audience, and look! It's Emily Deschanel! Star of the hit Fox drama, Bones! How wonderful! The stars are out tonight!

"Yippee! We're rockers!"

Next up is a segment called "Puck 'n' Pickler." And no, it has nothing to do with Real World's Puck -- although, I wish it did. The Puck in question is Wolfgang Puck, celebrity chef extraordinaire. His mission: to edumacate fledgling gourmand Kellie Pickler. I'm already excited. The prospect of his German accent and her Albemarle twang is too wonderful to imagine.

Anyway, as they sit down to eat at Puck's restaurant, Vert, Kellie warns that she doesn't want any food that is moving on the plate or has eyeballs because she can't eat any food that is looking at her. Other foods she can't eat: ones with more than two syllables in their names.

The two then gaze at a special American Idol menu, but unfortunately, Kellie can't quite read it. No, she's not that dumb. She just needs some glasses. Luckily, Wolf has some that she happily borrows. "Do I look smart?" she asks in her typical idiot voice. "Maybe people will take me seriously!" she adds. No, Kellie. They won't. But damn you and your charm! So dumb, and yet so likable!

Well, Kellie's first big lesson is escargot, or as she calls it, "Escar-goatee." I don't know where she got the "goatee" part either. Can't question the Pickler. Just go with it. Luckily, Wolfgang corrects her and pronounces the word properly. Kellie suddenly recognizes it and announces, "Oh! I heard that word the other day!" And that brings her standing vocabulary up to 300 words! Bravo!

Anyway, the time comes for Kellie to try the snails, but she's scared. Even though she has a world renowned chef sitting right there, she protests as if she were six years old. Inevitably, those German instincts kick in, and Wolfgang barks, "EAT IT NOW!" But despite this harsh command, Kellie continues to resist. Wolfgang then says that a whole country -- 50 million people -- eat escargot all the time. "No, they don't!" Kellie replies, looking at him as if he just told her that the Earth is made of gummy bears.

Eventually, Wolf stuffs an escargot into her mouth, and without really tasting it, Kellie begins gagging. She spits the snail out into a napkin and throws it under her chair. I don't know why I'm embarrassed. I just am. As amusing as this segment is (and it is quite amusing), I'm glad it's over. I don't know if I can watch Kellie make more of a fool of herself any longer.

This is also the first time Kellie's ever used a fork.

We then move onto what is surely the most anticipated duet of 2006: KAT LOAF! Yes, Katharine McPhee and Meat Loaf are due up next to perform the Celine Dion classic, "It's All Coming Back To Me." This has American Idol classic written all over it.

Stepping out onto the stage first is Meat Loaf, and we know we're in for good times when we see that he's holding some sort of red kerchief. This can be nothing short of a spectacle. Anyway, Meat Loaf begins to sing and oh God. Oh God. Wow. This is horrendous. At the McPhee party, the entire crowd just began laughing. Basically, Meat Loaf attempts a vibrato by forcing it out of his very body. He literally shakes his head forward and backward, as if the rattling will somehow provide optimal vibrato. It doesn't help that he doesn't seem to hit any notes, his voice finally tattered and torn after years of screeching through his songs. It sounds like Katherine Hepburn doing karaoke.

Kat Loaf!

Suddenly, Katharine McPhee joins The Loaf on stage, and holy McBOOBIES! Did Katharine have a child we didn't know about? Those funbags are fully inflated! They're huge and ready to pop out. It's hard to even focus on the song with those McOrbs bouncing around on screen. Nevertheless, here's the sad truth. Katharine is actually quite good. I'd even say she's excellent in the song. I mean, you have to block out Meat Loaf and forget the whole Celine Dion backstory, but still, I can't help thinking that if Katharine had sung a dramatic song like this last night, she'd be in better contention to win the competition. Oh well. Let's just look at her McBoobies again.

McBoobies!

"Oh, for the love of God. I just want to squeeze 'em!"

Posted by B-side on May 25, 2006 11:15 AM