Anyway, the song ends, and Katharine can finally get to work repressing the memory of having rubbed up against Meat Loaf. We then cut to the audience, and it turns out that Katharine ain't the only McPhee baring her assets. Momma McPhee is sporting a low-cut dress as well, revealing her pair of aging McMammaries. Oh Peisha! You beguiling 'ho!

Memoirs of a Peisha.

In celebrity news, David Boreanaz is in the audience too, making tonight a very special Bones night. Can't we get some 24 people in there? House perhaps?

We then go to commercial, and when we return, Ryan complains about how Idol never wins anything at awards shows. Oh boo-hoo. Nevertheless, he says that because no one else will give them awards (insert sad violin here), they're gonna start giving them to themselves. Yes, meet the Golden Idol Awards. It sounds like a decent idea... or so I think. The first category is Outstanding Female Performance. The nominees are three dreadful auditioning ladies, including our old favorite tanning enthusiast, Crystal Parizansky. She's the vapid, tantastic girl we all loved so much. Shocking, she doesn't win the award. Instead it goes to some other random bad singer. Not fair. (I like how I am suddenly all into the awards, complaining about unfair winners). To be truthful, I think the three nominees sort of stunk. Crystal was a good choice, but the other two girls were whatever. The producers could have found two other worse auditioners. Okay, I really have to relax.

Next is Outstanding Male Vocal. We see that guy Marlowes try to sing Alicia Keys, and we see that one dude from Chicago with massive pit stains. You remember him. He's the one who suddenly began to yell "IT'S NIGEL! IT'S NIGEL! IT'S NIGEL!" in the middle of his song. But the winner is Dave Hoover, that annoying dude who jumped around all over the place. He actually comes on stage to accept his award. "Comes" is too subtle a word. It's more like he leaps out of nowhere and engages in a seizure of joy, briefly falling off the stage (literally) in the midst of his rapture. I bet Paula wishes she could join him. Anyway, a model brings a trophy out to Dave, but he's too busy tossing himself around the stage to realize. Instead, she slowly leaves the trophy on the floor and backs away carefully. It's like she's leaving food for a tiger to come eat. I kind of hope that Dave falls and impales his head on the trophy, but alas, that is one Idol miracle that never comes to be.

Commercial time, and when we come back, it's time for another episode of "Puck 'n' Pickler!" This time, Kellie learns all about the crazy world of lobsters. As she reads about them, a waitress holding a tray of live lobsters appears undetected by Kellie's side. Pickler eventually notices and is so startled that she literally falls out of her chair. Literally. "Oh my gaaa!" she later says as if the head of Big Foot has been presented to her. She is totally shocked by these lobsters. They might as well be aliens. At one point, she even pokes (or attempts to) a lobster with her fork. I can't wait for the next installment of "Puck 'n' Pickler." Rumor has it she'll come face to face with a dinner roll.

Then it's time for all the guys to sing. The big Idol video screen parts like the Red Sea, and out walk the men dressed in black and led by the one and only Ace Young. Let me just put it to you this way. This gaggle of dudes makes West Side Story look like the height of masculinity. Making the entire scene seem even more ridiculous is Kevin Covais -- a.k.a. Chicken Little. He claps his hands together in a big, dramatic way, as if to say, "Alright, y'all. The party is HERE!" And of course, the party is most certainly not there.

Reservoir dawgs.

The guys sing for a little bit, and then Taylor struts out, blowing on his harmonica. Seriously. This guy is potentially our next Idol? I can't even imagine it...

We then see Ace, Elliot, and Kevin singing, and as usual, Kevin is blatantly out of place. He eventually hits some really low notes. It's kind of like his way of saying, "Yeah, mo-fo's, I DID hit puberty!"

Just when I think the medley is ending, the guys all bust out some Fleetwood Mac. Oh, just finish this already. Ace then runs into the audience and hugs what I assume is his dad. If it's not his dad, then Ace has a lot of explaining to do.

Too much! Too much!

Eventually, the big number draws to a close, and we cut to commercial. This break is very important because it features the last silly Idol/Ford commercial of the season. It's a pretty lame one too. No, not lame in the way that they're always lame. I mean that it's basically just a clip show of bloopers from the past twelve weeks. Boring.

Afterwards, we find Katharine and Taylor on stage with Ryan. Our plucky host presents them each with a Mustang convertible, causing Taylor to lurch back and do a "Heeeyyy!!!" Seriously, stop seizure-ing! ENOUGH ALREADY! You could tell him "Oh, I found a penny," and he'd already be swaying back and forth, letting out "Whooo!"s and "All right!"s. Granted, a new car is pretty cool, but still, my point remains.

And for those of you wondering, the answer is no, Katharine's dad did not cry at the news of a new car. You never know what'll set off those waterworks!

Posted by B-side on May 25, 2006 11:15 AM