And speaking of which, the next Golden Idol Award goes to the Proudest Family moment. This is actually quite touching. The nominees are Elliot's mom at his homecoming, Kat's dad crying at just about anything, and Chris's wife being supportive at the auditions. Awww. They're all so touching. But there can only be one winner, and it's just who I expect (and hope): Claudette Yamin! Yay! I love Claudette! Ryan hands her the trophy, and in one of the creepier and unexpected responses of the evening, she says she's going to keep it in bed with her. Gross, Claudette! Ah, but we still love you.

Claudette then introduces Elliot on stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," she says, "My Elliot Yamin." Awwww. It's a simple sentence, and yet it touches the heart. It touches the heart, dammit!

Elliot then walks out on stage and begins singing "One" by U2. He's really grown on me quite a bit, and I'm happy to see him again. He's then joined by Mary J. Blige, and as soon as she marches out in her bug-eye glasses, Elliot winds up relegated to the sidelines, waving his arms around like seaweed in the tide. Mary J. completely dominates and upstages for almost the entire performance. At the end, Elliot quietly lurks back into the "duet," but he totally overpowered. I hate to say this, but this is why he didn't make it to the final two. He just doesn't have a big enough presence on stage. If anything, he appears mildly star-struck by Mary J. Blige. By the way, random observation: the design on Mary J. Blige's top makes it look like her breasts are sweating. Not lactating. Just sweating. Did anyone else notice that?

Breast sweat?

Anyway, the song ends with Mary J. one-upping Elliot with ever vocal run he goes on. The two wave to the crowd, and then Mary J. is off to the wings faster than you can say "Okay, gimme my check!" Smell ya later!

We then hit up another commercial break, and when we return, it's nap time! Oh, I'm sorry. I meant, it's Carrie Underwood time! She sings "Jesus, Take The Wheel," although I think a more apt song would be "Jesus, Kill Me Now." [ed. note: this song was actually "Don't Forget To Remember Me"] The song is boring. Carrie is boring. Everything is boring. It seems like it will never end. But it eventually does, and then it's time for another Golden Idol Award. Okay, this was amusing before, but considering that each of these "awards" come with about ten minutes of old, unedited footage, I'm growing a bit tiresome. Nevertheless, this category is the Randy Jackson something-or-another -- it's for the most eloquent person of the season. And who's the winner? Rhonetta, the prostitute with the blonde wig and sparkly top. During the auditions, she was the one who when dismissed by the judges went on a long, profanity-laced tirade about Paula, the competition, and who knows what else. Anyway, we see her rant again, and then afterwards, Ryan says, "Rhonetta is working tonight." Oh no he di'int!! Oh no he di'int!!! Ryyyyyan!! You DAWG!!! He just made a prostitution joke!

But as it turns out, the producers have taped a segment with Rhonetta accepting her trophy. It's another rant filled with curses and whatnot. It ends with her attacking some poor PA (who probably has herpes in about three different spots now). This entire bit may have been entertaining a half an hour ago, but now we're getting antsy in our seats. Less filler. More results!

It's mildly appropriate that we transition from Rhonetta to Taylor singing, "In the Ghetto." He's joined by Toni Braxton, who looks like she and Rhonetta might actually shop in the same place. She's essentially wearing a nightie on stage, and the low angle camera comes dangerously close to seeing right up her skirt. On top of that, she seems full of all sorts of sexual energy, and at one point, she actually grabs Taylor's hand, places it on her hip, and then makes him caress her. TONI! This is a family show! A family show that just profiled a prostitute, but a family show all he same! Scandalous! Who would have thought she'd be into Taylor Hicks? She must have a thing for 55 year old men.

Ho Patrol!

Anyway, the two "whoo!" at each other for a few minutes, and then it's time for... a commercial! And then, after that, it's time for the women's medley. It begins with Katharine singing, "Man, I Feel Like A Woman," and then the rest of the songs are all "I am woman, hear me roar! WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN." Poor Mandisa. I love her. I wanted her to be in the top two with Chris. She's tragically stuck wearing some too-tight pants, and let me tell you, the low camera angle does not help matters. She's a big girl. Pants were not the way to go. Perhaps she should have taken a cue from Monday's Apprentice and donned some XXL culottes instead.

We also see the ever forgettable Lisa Tucker. It looks like she has a mustache, but after further review, she's hairless. She's simply stuck with one of those upper lips that always seem a little darker than the rest. A tough fate for most women. Maybe she'll grow out of it.

Posted by B-side on May 25, 2006 11:15 AM