TVgasm Recaps

So rumor on the street is that America's got talent. Hmm. Well according to this Simon Cowell two hour season premiere, if America does have talent it's well hidden. What America does have is balls. The balls to get up on stage in front of millions of people and dance with a donkey. What America also has is The Hoff. The Hasselhoff. That's of course in addition to an octogenarian stripper, lots of jugglers, Cirque du Soleil rejects, nose floutists and rapping grannies. It's no major surprise that most of the talent comes in the way of singers (American Idol) and dancers (I'm sure Diddy and MTV are out there somewhere with a reality show you'd be great for), and most of the laughs come inadvertently from The Hoff. But, hey, it's summer, it's hot and Idol is a distant 7 months away. This'll have to do for now.

Chandelier 1, Hasselhoff 0.
In perhaps the most bizarre injury from England since Lindsay Lohan cut herself on a broken teacup in Brian Adams' home, David Hasselhoff has undergone emergency surgery today after a mishap in a London gym bathroom resulted in him severing a tendon in his arm. I know it all sounds very homoerotic in an Al Reynolds sort of way, but apparently this injury was not due to any man-on-man action. Instead, it was the result of an unfortunate chandelier incident. An AP article states, "The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said."

This of course begs many questions: why was there a giant, dangerous chandelier over the sink? And how did The Hoff manage to hit it with his head? Was he shaving with a ladder? And if he were to hit the chandelier, wouldn't he have had to hit it quite hard to cause a virtual downpour of glass shards? What was he doing whilst shaving that caused such an aggressive reaction from the chandelier? Perhaps he was mimicking one of David Beckham's best headers. Or maybe he was reenacting the excitement he displayed upon seeing a 60-year-old stripper on America's Got Talent. Or maybe he was just acting like an idiot.

Either way, we wish him a speedy recovery and hope this shaving/chandelier/possibly-gay-bathhouse injury won't impede his ability to buzz people off the stage with Brandy and Piers. Read the full article here.

America's Got Talent has officially become my summer television drug of choice. I want to be better than this show, than the Hoff, than the Reege and than Leonid the Magnificent, but I'm just not. In week two, America's Got Talent gave us, in my opinion, one of the greatest television moments of the year with Leonid's God rant (check it out here, but beware, there is no way of watching without ceasing from laughter). There was more than a Russian immigrant drag queen who could balance knives on his chin this week. Well, I think there was, I can't remember anything except that, so let's take a trip down memory lane and see what else Brandy got to check out.

This week was the last week of auditions on America's Got Talent, and unlike American Idol, or even America's Next Top Model, that doesn't mean that we're done wading through the crap. Oh no. For every Bianca Ryan who made it through there are 5 Rapping Grannies. And yet, I can't stop watching. And even worse, I can't stop loving every minute! I believe there must be a special place in TVgasm hell for people like me, but I don't care. This week, there was no super huge talent mixed in with the puddles of crap, and no Leonid the Magnificent to keep me lauging with unintenional glee. So yes, I'm damning my immortal soul over a subpar episode of America's Got Talent, but this guy dances with a blow up doll. It's totally worth it.

This week on America's Got Talent, the Semi-Finals began, which means that the crap from the audition round has been waded through and now we're at a slightly lower level of crap. How lovely. Oh who am I kidding? In the fight for my immortal soul between the smartly written and beautifully acted Deadwood and the shitshow that is America's Got Talent, The Hoff has brutally killed Swearagen and pissed in his skull. And I'm okay with that. Let's see what the semi-finals brought us, shall we?

Does anyone even care anymore? Sadly, I still do. So, even more sadly, there will be another installment of this recap. But I've made some very important, very big strides in the fight against America's Got Talent. For one, I have realized that the "talent" in question isn't so much the problem, as the show itself. The production values are horrible, the judging is almost as bad as American Idol and the Reege, while America's granddaddy can;t be expected to save every moment of every show on television. You add all that up, and it should equal a cancelled Season pass on my DVR. But no, I'm too weak. Just a few more weeks, though, I promise. All I need to do is see Bianca Ryan win one million dollars, and I'll put us all out of our misery.

Hold on a second. He's gay, isn't he?

Ah, summertime. The glorious months traditionally thought to be a television wasteland, after all of the good shows have had their finales, are no longer so. Well, actually, it is still a wasteland, but at least it's an entertaining one. At least during summer we have no question about the quality of the programming; we just accept that it's going to be beyond ridiculous. And thus: "America's Got Talent."

After last week's circus of a season premiere, I was actually, in my guilty pleasure heart of hearts, sort of looking forward to tonight's Los Angeles episode of "America's Got Talent." What kind of crazy wild antics would they have tonight? More bratty kids? More vaudevillian entertainment? Perhaps the Hoff would move his eyebrows?

Unfortunately, what we got was less biting sarcasm from Piers, even lower standards than ever before, and a whole bunch of auditioners who'd gotten lost on their way to the "American Idol" and "Last Comic Standing" tryouts. And no, The Hoff didn't move his brows.

Welcome back for another fun-filled 2-hour episode of "America's Got Hoff!" Tonight's episode saw krumpers, a slew of fine young men for Sharon to paw at, and a weak attempt at drama by the Hoff himself. How dare he try to out-tantrum an Osborne?!

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

As I look upon last week's New York episode of "America's Got Talent,?" all that comes to mind is, "What the hell???" As in, "What the hell is with a show whose title is grammatically frought with error?" and "What the hell is with David Hasselhoff's attention-whore personality disorder?" and "What the hell is with a recapper who waits six days to give TVGasm readers what they so obviously are dying to read?" and, as my boyfriend so eloquently put it, "What the hell happened to Piers' balls, man?" Well, fear not, dear readers, O. Snapp is back (though Piers' balls are still nowhere to be found). Now all I have to wonder is, "Does America Have Talent???"

Finally, after what seemed like eons of auditions episodes, we are down to the top 70 most talented people in America. Going into this episode I thought, "Now what? Everybody's good? What's there to make fun of?" Ohohoho, don't you worry, dear readers, this episode was fraught with the shittiness we've come to expect from The Hoff 'N' Gang. By the end I was agog (as I'm sure you will be too) with the prospect: THESE are our talented masses?

Well, kiddies, the producers spent a whole hour of airtime showing us who got through to the hallowed Final 20. I will not bore you with the play-by-play of that; it was boring enough to actually watch it. Instead, I came up with a little game for y'all to play instead. More after the jump...

This week began the first section of the semifinals for the thinly-veiled Hasselhoff ego stroke masquerading as a talent circus. This is supposed to be the part where we start to see a higher concentration of gifted people than not. Don't get your hopes up, home viewers! There was still a satisfactory amount of crap to be seen. The judges are still crazy, but at least during this episode I got some nice additions to the ol' spank bank. Welcome to "America's Got Talent!"

A'ight kiddies, tonight was part deux of the "Tuesday Night Event" to show us the last ten performers up for your consideration and tell us which losers are really losers, and which losers are only losers for one more week. The Jerr-ster assures us tonight will be "a night to remember" but I feel that most likely, sitting alone with a notebook and drinking micheladas while watching David Hasselhoff and making fun of him to no one in particular does not a festive night make.

Doesn't he look like a grown-up Chucky?

So it's the 8th week of this retarded show and after the guilty pleasure of watching hordes of massively untalented people go home, the sweet taste of condescending satisfaction wears off and we're left with the filmy aftertaste of the top ten. While the contestants cuddle with their inflated egos at night, I lay awake and wonder why Boy Britney and Kashif got through so far. I'm all for diversity, but... Terry Fator is different. These guys are just plain shitty. And so, through yet another painful week we sit through Piers being crotchety, Sharon being kittenish, and the Hoff sucking everyone's proverbial cock with bad puns. If you skipped the show because of the eye-rolling injuries it causes but wonder whether America's still "Got Talent," don't worry. I suffer so you don't have to.

"Yep... Still drunk"

Last time on "AGT"... well, who the hell knows what happened? Last time "AGT" was on, I was on a beach in a foreign country. And I guarantee you David Hasselhoff was the last thing on my mind. The show doesn't even have a proper recapping section because, hey, let's face it, every episode is the same, except with one or two fewer people, right? Anyway, I come to find that the people left on the show are Terry Fator, Julienne Irwin, Robert Hatcher, the Glamazons (REALLY??), Cas, Butterscotch, Sideswipe, and Douchey McDouchertons. I guess there's no accounting for taste. Hey, shocker! Each act is singing-based! I'm telling you, there's a 3-judge show just like this that's already on nine months of the year. As Jerry leads us into the show, we're told that this is the finale. Wait, what?? The finale??? The finale!!! YES! I've never had a better back-from-vacation gift in my life. Welcome to almost-the-last-episode of America's Got Talent!

OMG you guys, tonight was the AGT Results show, and may I say I've never been more excited for a season finale in all of my life? Not because of the immense amount of excitement that has built over the course of the season or for the love for characters within my heart that has grown; oh hell no! I'm excited because after tonight I won't have to look at Jerry Springer's hyperbole-spitting face ever again unless I'm watching his real show. Tonight we get to find out which loser ain't such a loser after all, and we get to bid 3 losers goodbye. (Goodbye, Piers, Sharon and Hoff!) Welcome to America's Got Talent!