The next day was photo shoot day. "Miss" J Alexander greeted the girls dressed in a Hilfiger-esque outfit that was a far cry from the disheveled tranny look he had previously harnessed. Then an extravagant drag queen showed up - and while America was able to piece this one together quickly (J Alexander is dressed like a guy today, so that's clearly Jay Manuel), the models were a little slow on the uptake. Cassie in particular was a few beats behind the band.

"This is a really ugly woman," she said in an interview. Uh, yeah. I expected her to add, "She even has a penis!" When everyone finally put everything together, Cassie responded with a simple "Gross!" Wait 'till you find out how he has sex, Cassie.

Anyway, the purpose for these stunts was to introduce a photo shoot where the models would dress like themselves and their alter egos. In the case of Ann, that meant getting dolled up like Marilu Henner for one photo and then like Grace Jones's long lost white sister for another. As for Cassie, her alter ego seemed to have an uncanny resemblance to Gary Oldman in Dracula (in a dress, natch). Yaya announced that her alter ego was a 17th century courtesan, which is totally cool because I never knew that 17th century courtesans had leather fetishes, but according to Yaya's outfit, dominatrix chic was all the rage in the Jacobean court.

Tocarra meanwhile was wishing her alter ego was skinny. She and the wardrobe lady got into a spat, culminating with Tocarra getting pinched in the back. Later, when the entire experience just became too much for her, Tocarra cried about how hard it is to stay upbeat. Unfortunately I had to mute the TV at this time, lest her dog whistle sobbing attracted the neighborhood pooches.

Eventually, it was time to head to "panel", as they call it. The models were greeted by Tyra Banks, who apparently was fresh back from some sort of Mad Max enthusiast conference. For the test, she announced that the panel (featuring Marc Bauwer) would pretend to be a fashion label called "House of Je Ne Sais Quoi", which is only mildly more amusing than the runner up name, "House of Really Dumb People Passing Judgment."

As usual, the panel drilled the models, with Marc Bauwer at one point insisting "I want to see some spark." And by "spark", he meant botox. A whole truck full. Honestly, I don't know how that guy drinks water. During the deliberations, Janice made the stunning comment that "Eva's still short." In other news, Janice is still an ugly plastic surgery disaster.

After a heated debate on who should go, Tyra Banks took her regal stance above the models and entered her weekly robot mode: "I have seven photos" she announced somberly. Wouldn't it be great if she went into robot mode more often? Hey, Tyra - do you have any change? "I HAVE THREE NICKELS." Hey, Tyra - want something from the vending machine? "I HAVE A SNICKERS BAR ALREADY." Eh, it's probably funnier spoken rather than read.

Anyway, the final selection came down between Tocarra and Cassie, with the latter girl getting the boot - no pun intended. The good news for Cassie is that she can return to her boyfriend and never have to see again those scary men who kiss other men and sometimes dress like women. The bad news? Oh, just an eating disorder. Yay!

Posted by B-side on November 4, 2004 12:57 PM