America's Next Top Model: Modelling's a Drag - 
by
[Guest writer: JadedBitch.]
Girls jumping around on their beds wearing nothing but skimpy tank tops and panties? It's Girls Gone Wild! No, actually it's just the opening scene for America's Next Top Model, cause you know, that's what all supermodels like to do with one another. We then zoom in on Cassie, who is busy doing pilates in her thong. Why, that's exactly what I wear when I do my leg circles! I just find it brings that much more freedom to the workout!
If anyone was wondering what book Tocarra was reading, it was Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha. I could tell by the blurred out cover. Though, later on in the episode, she apparently has finished with that novel and moved herself onto something else which I did not recognize. What a quick reader, that one! I guess when you're a plus-size, you don't exactly feel like bouncing around on beds or doing "The Hundred" in your gaunch.
The girls whined about being fat as they re-enacted last week's trampoline photo shoot on their mattresses. "I have some pudge!" one squealed as she swung her pillow at another. Then Rizzo came in wearing a wig and made fun of Sandra Dee. Actually, it was just Norelle, and she wasn't wearing a wig, but she did demonstrate her lyrical gansta skillz when she said, "I'd like to be more abby, right now I'm still a bit flabby." This was followed by a "Yo, 'sup dawg?" nod to the camera as she shoved her hands into her armpits and yelled, "Boyyyyyyeeee!" Wow, who woulda thought that after the braces come off, out comes da rhymez!
The next morning, Yaya answered the phone only to be greeted by what seemed to be a recorded Tyra message. "Hi, it's Tyra! I need you all to meet me in twenty minutes. Dress like you're going to panel and bring comfortable shoes! Seeya!" I mean, it must've been a recording cause who calls people and just starts jabbering away at them like that? I thought she was going to tell Yaya her library book was overdue or offer her a new long distance package.
When everyone congregated in front of Miss Tyra, they found it was time for their "Go Sees" which some of you may remember from previous seasons means they have to go to a bunch of designers and try to sell themselves while resisting the temptation to cry as they get judged on their walk, personality, and looks. The person who scored the highest would win a rack of clothes from one of the designers.
She-Man Ann (see, I'm a lyrical gansta too, Norelle! Boyyyyeeee!!) pleaded her case to the camera by saying that she was prettier in person than in photos. Sure, Ann, that's what they all say. In fact, I'm actually prettier with your eyes closed.
The first stop was designer Nicole Miller, who was looking for a Miller Girl. This sounded like a bad beer commercial, didn't it? Did she not realize that the Miller Girl label was already taken by some sorority originated by the brewing house?
Norelle joined the ranks of She-Man Ann when she said that she was "so retarded." Somewhere on his sofa, Big Brother 2's Bunky zapped off his TV. (For the record, I'm with Bunky on this one. I hate the word and don't ever use it. Except of course, when writing this recap for TVGasm.) Wow, so that now makes two mentally challenged models (that we know of)! And here we thought Amanda the Blind Chick had it hard. Norelle, I think you proved your "retardedness" when you tried to rap earlier on. Or maybe it was when you bailed on the runway during the Heatherettes fashion show. Either way, what I'm trying to say is: we know.
In other news, Amanda the Blind Chick forgot her shoes. Did she not listen to the Tyra recorded message? Bring comfortable shoes! Everyone else slipped on their model-esque flats, while Amanda slummed in her Converse sneakers. "I thought she meant comfortable! Oh that's right, I'm a model. Comfortable equals flats. DUH! I'm so retarded!" Now where is Star Jones when you need her? Instead, Amanda decided to go shoe shopping, accompanied by Ann, Eva, Tocarra, and Cassie, all of whom could not resist the lure of a shoe store. Even though they only had 15 minutes to get to their next appointment and their "careers" were on the line here, shoe shopping seemed much more important. Priorities!
The other girls that didn't go (i.e. the boring ones), left with the car and went to the next designer, Nanette Lepore. Ann, Amanda, Eva, Tocarra and Cassie ran around frantically trying to find their next destination which involved a tussle between Tocarra and Ann, who managed to get the information on where to go but only wanted to share it with her lesbian lover Eva, or as she likes to call her, Mommy. WTF! Tocarra literally had to rip the memo out of Ann's powerful man-like hands.
In the end, the Boring Girls (Yaya, Nicole...and I don't remember the others) waited in the lobby of Nanette Lepore for everyone to arrive before going in. They were 20 minutes late, which evoked a lecture from Ms. Lepore. When she was done, the judging began. The girls were graded like cattle. It looked like a scene from Are You Hot? with Ms. Lepore playing the role of Lorezno Lamas. All she was missing was the laser pointer.
Tocarra encountered her first problem with sizing, when they could barely find anything for her to fit into. The rest of the episode would feature more plus-size trouble and surprisingly, without any GONG! sound effects.
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