It Ain't Over 'Til Tocarra Sings - 
by B-side
Is America ready for its first plus-sized supermodel? Uh, no. That's what we learned in yet another gripping installment of America's Next Top Model. Yes, this week the Reubenesque run of Tocarra came to an inevitable halt as she was quietly erased from the group photo like so many failed models before her. It was a decision that Tyra Banks no doubt agonized over, seeing how she's lately become the resident Dr. Phil of the group. How much does Tyra care about her girls? A lot. In fact, the show kicked off with Tyra inexpliqueably bawling in bed about the fate of erstwhile model Cassie and her rampant bulimia. As she vented to a random woman that I'll assume was her mother (or maybe a transient drag queen), Tyra let us know that she cares, man. She really cares. It was a very Schindler's List moment as Tyra moaned that she could have done more to help. She could have done more! This gold ring - she could have sold it to pay for Cassie's therapy! This necklace - two more sessions. This pin - one more session. One more session!
While America's first plus-sized forehead model cried in her PJ's, the girls were up to their usual babbling in the apartment. Yaya found another opportunity to talk down to the girls when she asked a burping Ann if she ever thought the lo-carb thing might just be a gimmick. Yeah, because the modelling world is never linked to gimmicks. I wonder if she'll still be complaining two years from now when she'll be known as "Yaya - the girl from America's Next Top Model"? Not that it's gimmicky or anything... Meanwhile Eva had her own issues to deal with. She explained to the camera that people don't realize she has layers. What she didn't say was that those layers were annoyingness, loudness, and annoyingness again.
With life threatening to become dull and squalid in the apartment, the producers sent in some pep to get the girls off their booties. A curious knock came to the front door, and when Ann opened it, a mini pride parade waltzed in. Actually, it was just image specialists - an Emmy winning stylist (Rebecca Weinberg, coming straight from the trendiest Shabbat dinner EVER) - and two guys from a publicity firm whose name I did not deign to jot down. HA! Rebecca did a critical assesment of each girl's wardrobe while the two guys questioned the models and coached them on how to act in the spotlight.
As expected, Rebecca met resistance from Yaya who treated her Earth Mother garbs like they were artifacts from the 18th century. "If you're going to do a toothpaste ad, are you going to wear a dashiki," Rebecca asked. Depends. If it's Dashiki Toothpaste, I think the answer is yes. Side note: since when do supermodels line up for Aquafresh ads?
While the fashion disaster that was Rebecca Weinberg critiqued the aspiring models, Tocarra met with the two publicity guys. She started off by dropping a bombshell: "I am a full figured model." Good God Tocarra, we KNOW! You don't have to state it every episode.
Later, the gals headed to NYC's west side for a good ole fashioned steak dinner. Yaya dressed up for the occasion by putting her hair in some bizarre Grace Jones-ish 'do. Suddenly, while the girls were having what I'm sure was a charged intellectual conversation about the works of Sartre, forehead gigantism victim Tyra Banks joined the table. The girls all squealed with delight and fake hugs were had by all. Within moments, Tyra was mooching off the girls' plates and delivering another one of her vapid pep talks. As she discussed the challenges of being a black supermodel, Tyra explained "I have a lot working against me. You see, I'm an idiot and that does NOT help." Okay, well, she didn't say that last sentence but I think it still applies (says me, the guy not earning millions and without a hit TV show).
The next day, Nicole - sporting bizarre racoon eyes - played a little prank on the house when reading the Tyra mail. "We're going to Europe!" she shrieked with Eva and Ann, a spectacle that brought forth all the roommates like curious hamsters sniffing out cheese. When the joke was revealed about thirty seconds later, Yaya scoffed about the immaturity in the apartment. Yes, joking is SO middle school. No mature, self-respecting Nubian Queen would ever reduce herself to "humor", whatever that is.
What the Tyra mail actually did say was that the models would be going to a department store to meet sartorial mishap Rebecca Weinberg. There, they learned they'd have fifteen minutes to pull together a look they'd be wearing to an afternoon event. After a chaotic montage, the gals all found their shwag and headed back to the apartment where Tocarra complained about how hard it is to find couture her size. Eva empathized, saying that her concerns were "rationable." At which point I think we all had rationable thoughts about Eva's edumacation. Apparently her grade for English was "Done good."
Anyway, the ladies all went to a faux-red carpet event where they modelled their new clothes. A nosy, British reporter for US Weekly drilled them with questions, trying to get dirt on the models. No one named names, except for the vacant Norelle who noted that she didn't get along with Yaya. Oh Norelle. It seems like she may have been dropped on the runway a few too many times.
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