Turns out the event was a competition, and the winner was Yaya, who received as a prize two gay guys. Actually, they were chefs, and they raided the apartment's tiny kitchen to cook up a gourmet meal for Yaya and the guest of her choice. In this case, it was Norelle. This was Yaya's lame attempt to reach out to her red carpet basher, but during their heart to heart, they didn't seem to really connect. Norelle explained that she felt a wall around Yaya, to which the dancer replied "It is a wall with nine blocks that spell 'competition.'" Norelle looked perplexed as she tried to figure out the high level analogy. For the record, "competition" has eleven letters. Great Ivy League education at work people!

The next day, the ladies headed out to see their platinum blonde boy-toy, Jay Manuel. He announced that the photo shoot would include diamonds which made the girls cheer with delight. Diamonds, yay! Oh, and there'll be a tarantula too. Yay!-- whaaaaa? Yes, in an effort to cater to the spider chic sector of the fashion industry, this week's photo shoot featured an itsy bitsy spider crawling up the model's top. And by itsy bitsy, I mean big and furry. Eva broke down into a sobbing mess at the thought of a hairy arachnid having its way with her. Jay tried his best to mollify the situation by saying there will be EMS on standby. If it's not so bad, why the need for an EMS, Eva asked. "We have EMS here all the time," Jay reassured. Yeah, because if any of Janice Dickinson's silicon mixes with the botox and cocaine in her system, she'll go into cardiac arrest. Chances are she won't die, but man will she be annoying about it.

Nevertheless, the ladies sucked it up and posed with the little beast. Nicole seemed quite at ease, and I kind of wanted to say "Uh, Nicole, there's a huge spider on you, just so you know." Ann took the photo op as a chance to try out her Gloria Swanson impression as she flared her eyes like the Sunset Boulevard star. Other victims included the normally beautiful Norelle who adopted a severe look that succeeded in making her look very mannish (that's not a good thing). Eva meanwhile continued to cry as the prospect of a spider on her face scared the bejesus out of her. With this meltdown coupled with Coral Smith's near death experience on The Gauntlet, I think it's safe to say that spiders and bitchy divas do NOT mix.

At the panel, Tyra greeted the models with her hairstyle of the week - giant, curly afro. More voluminous that Stacie J's of The Apprentice, but not quite as docile as Scary Spice's, Tyra's expansive dandelion poof threatened to muss the well groomed suit of fellow judge/real life M&M, Nolé Marin. Rebecca Weinberg, fresh from making herself look even dumber, served as this week's guest judge and administered the panel test: the models had ten minutes to choose one of four hats and generate a look around it. It was a fairly unspectacular mission, but we did see some great sparks from Yaya who balked when the panel called her drab. In an effort to prove that she was not cliché, Yaya noted that she specifically did not wear the kente hat, especially because its fabric was sub-Yaya level. That's great. Shut up.

The judges then took a gander at the spider photos, with one of them awkwardly introducing an image by saying "and here she is accessorized with tarantula." Is that possible? Are tarantulas an accessory now? I suppose scorpions are SO 2003. Tocarra's photo was an all out disaster for the judges, with Janice saying the spider looked like a "tarantula mole." Isn't that what Janice calls her-- oh nevermind. Nolé meanwhile commented that it was a "great picture for the tarantula." GREAT. I'll have to remember that for when I watch America's Next Top Tarantula.

Surprisingly enough, Eva's photo rocked the competition. She explained to the judges how scared she was, to which Janice replied "Try posing on a live crocodile, honey." Why is it that when Janice says that, it just sounds gross. Is it maybe her way of soliciting sex? Nevertheless, the time came for Tyra to stand above the models and engage in her monotone I-Know-We-Just-Giggled-At-Dinner-But-Now-You-Are-My-Bitch voice. As she handed Yaya her photo, she berated the haughty wannabe. By attacking the Kente Hat, she was being very, VERY insulting, Tyra said. We then cut to the Kente hat crying in the corner.

Yaya apologized and meekly returned to the pack as Tocarra and Ann faced the wrath of Tyra. You're both failures, Tyra stated. Hey, tell us how you really feel. Tyra continued to smackdown the two models, ultimately cutting Tocarra. Tears were had by all, and I'm sure this week we can look forward to another scene of a guilty Tyra in bed. I suppose it could be worse. I don't even want to know what Janice looks like when she wakes up in her crypt of chemical preservation that she calls a "bed".

What do you think? Was America ready for a plus-sized supermodel?

Posted by B-side on November 15, 2004 11:56 AM