Lost In Translation - 
by B-side
What's more fun than watching a bunch of model wannabes claw for survival in a cramped New York City suite? Watching them claw for survival in tiny Japanese cubby holes! This week's episode of America's Next Top Model took our plucky divas and transported them to the strange and foreign land of Japan where they did their best impersonation of a Sofia Coppola film (and for the record, I thought this show was infinitely more entertaining). Of course, any field trip to Japan would not be complete without a sendoff from UPN's promotional department. No, the women didn't receive complementary Smackdown T-shirts (at least, not yet). Instead they were paid a visit by Taye Diggs, who can presently be seen in Kevin Hill, which - oh by the way - airs directly after America's Next Top Model. Mmmmm.... UPN synergy. In other news, Scott Bakula just finished a stint on "Girlfriends" (he plays Sharif).
Before Taye or Japan could have their way with the ladies, important body-image conerns needed to be addressed. Specifically, Norelle noted that she wanted collagen, or as she calls it: "Colla- colla- collgin?" This declaration jumpstarted a round table discussion about which body parts each girl wanted — thighs, breasts, shoulders, brains. Oh wait, scratch that last one. It should be noted that Yaya only wanted a proper, respectable Kente hat that was NOT made of cheap fabric.
Apparently somewhere along the way Nicole cracked a joke or at least said something because the girls suddenly all marvelled at her personality - as in "Wow, you have a personality!" Nicole then confessed that she likes to keep her personalitly away from the judges because she doesn't want to act like a "tard" in front of the panel. Yeah, why show your personality when you're being judged on, you know, your personality?
Perfectly unafraid to showcase her personality was Yaya, who's made quite the inroads in the Pontification Sciences (or "Pontifi... Pontif... Pont-whaa?" as Norelle would say). "It's easy to sit back and get big headed," Yaya said big headedly. Little did she know that Tyra Banks would be prescribing her an overwrought metaphor to take care of that. But more on that later...
Anyway, the best Tyra mail of all time arrived with a cryptic message that simply read "Prepare to die." YES! The moment we've all been waiting for! Oh wait, it was only a coy tease, not the harbinger of a Tyra Banks slaughterfest. Sigh. The gals all gussied themselves up and headed to what appeared to be a Christian Publications Bookshop. No, seriously. It said that on the sign of the building. Alas, the Big Tent Revival I was momentarily excited for turned out to be a wrinkly acting diva slouched in a chair. Seeing this old bag scowl at the ladies made me wonder if the "prepare to die" note would preface some sort of beat down with pickled herring from Zabars. Instead of a bagel & lox inspired melee though, the woman (Sande Shurin - not related to Sandy Duncan) subjected the would-be models to a method-acting crash course. First they were ordered to close their eyes and access their emotional bodies, an excercise even Sande had to proclaim sounded "airy fairy." Of course, that caused Norelle to open her eyes and squeal "Fairies!! Yay!"
With the Sande Shurin acting seminar underway, the instructor then asked all the models what they saw when they reached their emotional bodies. Amanda burst into tears. Oh my god! Deep memories of sexual abuse? A dead sibling? A lost love? Actually, none of the above. Amanda just saw a rose. Doesn't sound sob-worthy, right? What if I told you it was a rose murdering another rose? Yeah, that's right. Who feels like a jackass now? Nicole meanwhile saw something "inappropriate" and out of embarrassment simply said that she saw nothing. I guess we all know who was thinking about some steamy rose-on-rose action.
All this airy fairy junk wasn't for naught as Sande informed everyone that they would be performing a death scene. Norelle quietly noted "I'm not a good die-er." Was she implying that she's tried before and it just didn't work out for her? Or is she just an idiot. I'll take my chances with the latter.
Anyway, as mentioned, Taye Diggs showed up to read through the death scenes. I couldn't help but feel badly for the guy as he politely smiled through his civic UPN duty. The producers meanwhile cooked up some tricky dialogue with more multi-syllabic words than you could shake a stick at. Was it me, or did this montage play out like the climactic scene in Soapdish?
The models were all fairly terrible in their acting debut. Eva seemed to sniffle decently through her deathbed performance while Nicole sat pert and upright in bed as if she were expecting breakfast. Amanda dazzled all with her stunning French accent (Champs Elysees is not pronounced chaMPs Elises) before she "died", moved her head (spasms?), and then died again. The winner of the contest, however, was the aspiring Angela Basset that we commonly know as Yaya. As everyone groaned their faux-happiness towards Yaya, Tyra Banks descended on the madness dressed in a nurse outfit and brought news that everyone would be going to... Tokyo! This was about as close to Dadaism as UPN gets, people.
Anyway, the gals were particularly excited about their trip to Japan. Ann commented: "From what I understand, it's like New York." True. Except it's Asian and completely different. Norelle, meanwhile, was still grappling with the subtleties of the population: "I don't know what they're called. Japanese people? Or Tokyo-ans?" Norelle then found a dictionary to look it up but found the task too difficult, especially when she realized the dictionary was only a pillow.
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